“What daring! What outrageousness! What insolence! What arrogance! I salute you.”

Re-reading the Locke Lamora series had me thinking about thieves and fantasy settings.  It also has me swearing more, so you might want to brace yourselves. I have a splitting headache, have just drunk a lot of water trying to deal with it and there isn’t any painkillers or ice cream in the house (Admitedly, I just ate it, though there was barely more than a spoonful), so I’m a little grumpy.

“Someday, Locke Lamora, someday you’re going to fuck up so magnificently, so ambitiously, so overwhelmingly that they sky will light up and the moons will spin and the gods themselves will shit comets with glee. And I just hope I’m still around to see it.”

Anyhow, thieves in fantasy settings. So, the cliche is, near as I understand it, is for all black, some sort of leather armour, a shortsword or rapier and a cosh. (A blackjack, not a Vorlon.) Why? Conan could steal everything in your house with nothing more a longsword and a loincloth. Fafhrd and the Grey Mouser didn’t have much more. Hell, there’s a group of theives in Zamora who wear nothing but a red silk loincloth when on the job, though there’s few gamers I know I’d want to see in that. Anyway, dressing that way is loudly announcing you’re up to no good, and it’s the sort of thinking that leads to a moment in the first D&D movie where the protaganists are trying to hide, and are all wearing black cloaks. Actually, it’s the sort of thinking that leads to the D&D movie, and who wants that?

“I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he’d confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized.”
Everyone in the room stared at him.
“I called him an asshole, too,” said Locke. “He didn’t like that.”

I spent a bit of time a while ago looking at playing a thief in a LARP I’m in (Remembering that partially kicked this off) and there was some hilarious ‘advice’ and kit on offer. For starters, there was more black cloaks that I’ve had hot dinners and all manner of ‘armour’, stuff like this or this that screams “I’m 15 and trying to be Evil McEvil”* and is covered with enough nickle studs that if anyone shines a torch near you you’ll light up like a fucking Christmas tree. Shit like that is not subtle and while I’m somewhat lacking in criminal knowlege, I’m fairly fucking certain some degree of sublety is required.

“I was badly misinformed, I deeply regret the error, go fuck yourself with this bag of money.”

Which brings me to why on Earth would you want to wear all that stuff? I mean sure, it get’s the point across that you’re (apparently) someone not to be trifled with but that brings attention. Why not go the quieter road? Play a merchant or noble (Or at least pretend to be those things) and con people out of their coin with a smile rather than a blade – leave them penniless and thanking you for it rather than swearing a blood oath. (Ah capitalism!) I heard about someone in a LARP recently who decided to play someone like the Joker and expressed that by wearing all black and backstabbing folks left right and center. That, to me, is abnormally fucking stupid. It’s the worst sort of “I’m Chaotic Neutral” BS I expect from 14 year olds and it should be savagely beaten out of people. Well, not literally. But I’ve had some players over the years that I wouldn’t have minded had they accidentally walked into heavy doors. I’ll teach you to split the fucking party 20 minutes into the module…

“There’s no freedom quite like the freedom of being constantly underestimated.”

There was a point to this, I think. I guess it could be to ignore cliches and try to plan ahead? Sure, my knack for that is roughly equal to Cory Bernadi’s talent for not being an asshole, but at least I realized that. Every so often I’ve tried and it’s failed, but I keep fucking trying. In a game a few years back a friend of mine pulled off a scheme that almost elevated his character to godhood and I had no idea about it until I was technically dead. The lance was meant to kill the dragon (and did), but did a bit more than that. I got better. At least that’s what I think happened, I’m Captain Oblivious when it comes to that sort of thing.

“Mew,” the kitten retorted, locking gazes with him. It had the expression common to all kittens, that of a tyrant in the becoming. ‘I was comfortable, and you dared to move,’ those jade eyes said. ‘For that you must die.’ When it became apparent to the cat that its two or three pounds of mass were insufficient to break Locke’s neck with one mighty snap, it put its paws on his shoulders and began sharing its drool-covered nose with his lips. He recoiled.”

Was there a point to this inarticulate fury**? Not really. It could be to put some actual thought into your characters and don’t have them wear stupid things. Well, unless it’s dramatically appropriate. Or you’re acting as a distraction for the actual thieves. OK, it’s less a point and more ‘things I think are stupid.’ I’m trying not to put this as some sort of ‘One True Way’ thing – by all means feel free to coat yourselves in more spikes and studs than Rob Halford, but know that also means I’m going to laugh at you, long and loud. And that’s OK – you’re welcome to laugh at me as well. Given my love of kilts, it could be said I encourage it.

“When you don’t know everything that you could know, it’s a fine time to shut your fucking noisemaker and be polite.”

Oh, and one last thing: don’t try to play the mysterious loner or the last of your race or any of that shit- you’re just going to be bored when no-one talks to you, you very special snowflake.

OK, I’m glad I got that out of the system. I’ll try to be cheerier tomorrow.

*Just go and buy a Slayer album instead. It’s better for you and cheaper.
** The more I think about it the more I wish I’d called this site it.

First off: an animated adaption of the long lost Doctor Who story Power of the Daleks is coming. I might be slightly excited. More Second Doctor? Oh hell yes.

Moving on, I have a couple of things to add to the ideas list, both live action games. The first idea comes from my (lovely and talented) wife, and is set in the world of Scott Lynch’s Locke Lamora series. It’d take place just after after the first book in the series (That being The Lies of Locke Lamora) and the criminal underworld of Camorr is in a bit of a state. I’ll be vauge in regards to spoilers for those who haven’t read the books (You mean you haven’t raced out to get them? I’ll wait. *taps foot impatiantly* You’re back? Good.) Basically, the remaining underworld has gathered on the Floating Grave to discuss what come’s next. Tension is high, there’s almost certainly likely members of the law enforcement community among you and after what just happened you don’t trust anyone. So, what happens next? Is the Secret Peace re-established? Has one of the Shade’s Hill mob become a new Thiefmaker? Do the thieves run rampant and let anarchy take it’s place? Or does everyone just get drunk and put off the idea? There’s scores to settle, deals to make and a heirachy to establish. No matter what happens, thiefy shenanigans will ensue.

I’m still unsure about the writing process – for starters, I’m certain that there’s no way I could do Sabetha* justice. Trying to write it so the world comes alive as it does in the books, rather than a D&D knockoff (Which the books most certainly aren’t). Mostly I’d need to re-read the books several times to keep the details fresh, immersing myslf in Lynch’s wordplay, world building and knack for hilarious profanity and oh the horror. Re-reading the books also might have influenced my choice of possible characters in a hypothetical Seventh Sea LARP a friend of mine has been talking about, though it’s mostly down to what character will let me use my Londo Mollari impression all game.

The next idea is a stranger one. The Prisoner: The LARP. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then I both envy and pity you. Pity: cause you’ve not seen one of the finest, strangest, most brain-meltingly good shows ever made, but envy, because you get to experience it for the first time. Short version: a secret agent quits, is drugged and awakens in a mysterious place called The Village** where everyone is known by number not name and a sucession of people (All named Number 2) attempt to find out why he left. And then it get’s weird. Attempting to keep the mood of the show wouldn’t be easy – do we keep it in the 60’s, or update it? I think there’s a story that could be told there. I may not be the person to run it, but I’d like to be involved. I could operate Rover perhaps?

There’s not a huge amount out there of other source material – a sequel comic series (Which creator Patrick McGoohan ‘didn’t hate’) and a GURPS sourcebook, while Big Finish Productions have adapted the show for audio and Iron Maiden have a couple of songs referencing the show (Singer Bruce Dickinson is a big fan). So if we were to update it in the modern era, there’s plenty of scope. After all, the number of cameras around the Village would probably be less than is now around Sydney’s CBD…

Lastly, on a more personal note. I am old, and getting older. For the last couple of years I’ve been contemplating a tattoo, and by that I mean seriously, not the ‘I want crossed lightsabers on my back’ idea I had at 14. So, I think my 40th is an appropriate time – I have over 3 and a half years to confirm what I want and try not to weasel out. Naturally, my thoughts turned to Doctor Who and not wanting to settle for the standard ‘Doctor’s face’ or ‘show logo’ tattoo, I set my mind to wandering. I’m sure I’ve seen pictures of someone with the 4th Doctor’s scarf around their arm, but that’s a little big for a first one. I can’t remember whether wife or I (Probably her – she is magnificent after all) came up with the idea of something based on reverse the polarity, but the current leader is the word polarity but backwards, probably somewhere on my shoulder. That is likely to change though, not just casue I just saw a tattoo of the rings of a Karthani Bondsmage, which is horribly tempting as well.

Be seeing you…

*No spoilers, but Thirteen Gods she’s a magnificent bastard and then some.

**Also the name of the local shopping center where I grew up.

So, pondering writing games in licensed settings over the weekened and I returned to my love for Babylon 5. It struck me that I’ve not really had an idea that I felt was well, worthy of the setting. Part of that, well most of it, boils down to my love of the show and not wanting to screw it up. My games tend to be B-movies and I’m OK with that. I could manage something like The Parliament of Dreams or Soul Mates without much trouble, but something like Comes the Inquisitor or  And The Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place, yeah, that’s not going to happen. Aha, but during a discussion with Wife on the way home, Sunday, I might have cracked. Sure, it’s mostly inspired by the episode Learning Curve and what little I remember from the TV movie The Legend of the Rangers, but here goes.

So, the Rangers are an organization comprised of Humans and Minbari, but are seen to be opening up their ranks to the other races late in the show. So, what if the PC’s are the first group entirely from them? That would mean the PC’s would be a Narn, Drazi, pak’ma’ra, Gaim and Brakiri. (There was temptation to add a Centauri to conlfict with the Narn, but I agree with my wife that they wouldn’t be interested.) They’re on a shuttle in hyperspace on the way to Minbar for the inaguration. Something goes kaboom, the engines are dead and they begin to drift. After fixing the engines (And finding evidence of sabotage), they limp to Minbar, and have 3 days to spend before the inaguration trying to dodge assassins, members of the MInbari Warrior Caste (Who aren’t trying to kill them, but being dicks) and prove to others that they can be worthy of the rank.

So, not sure if I’ll ever run it, but it was fun to work out the idea.

On those lines, the Star Trek:Bridge Crew game that was being talked about. No, nothings happened with it yet, but I know one thing for certain – if we use a Klingon ship I’m writing them. It’s not that I couldn’t write a Federation or Romulan ship, even a Cardassian or Vulcan, but there’s that whole proud warrior race thing appeals more to my macho idiot side (Yes, I do have one. Try not to laugh). Plus, there’s vast amounts of scenery chewing and seeing if I can make the players sing.

As for the post apoc game, I don’t have any updates, other than the idea for emphasising hostipality (Whether in background or a game mechanic) to reference the theme to Neighbours. I’m not proud.

So, not much has been done on the post apocalypse game the last few days. It’s mostly been brainstorming ideas for factions and trying not to plagarize too much from other systems I’ve been reading about. Sure, being able to say “It’s like X” is useful, but I’d like to be a bit more original.

(If you don’t understand the reference, I can’t help you.)

Anyhow, my D&D players have been deciding on their characters for the upcoming campaign. So far, we have the following:

Half Elven Paladin of Sune – part vigilante, part dating service. Very dashing and swashbuckly.

Shield Dwarf Fighter who’s obsessed with the Waterdhavian theatre scene. I’m happy with this as I now get a chance to pastiche The Talons of Weng-Chiang* at some point.

Dragonborn Druid who’s come to tell people to be nicer to the animals. I’m assuming, with the threat of roasting them alive if they don’t.

Human Rogue, son of a noble house who lives to embarrass his family name and is loving every minute of it.

The last player hasn’t decided on a PC yet, only that it’ll be some form of Arcane caster. Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer is the current front runner.I’m hoping for Wild Mage, but that’s cause the Surge table is one of my favorite things.

Campaign kick’s off next Monday night, so I should have an adventure written by then. NO pressure…

*The Jago and Litefoot audios are austonding aural accquisitions.

First off: silly me, I put my hand up and am now running D&D 5E for my home group. Waterdeep, here we come…

Secondly, the post apocalyptic game. (Yes, at some point I will have a proper name for it.) While I’m still in the initial flood of ideas, so I figure a writer’s bible, or at least some sort of framework will be useful. Look, if it distracts me from the “Oh hell, what the fuck have I just agreed to do?” feeling that’s creeps in from time to time, that’ll be a good thing. Here’s what I have so far:

1: I want it to run in my neck of the woods, or close to. Can you blame me?

2: I want it to be challenging. I’m not suggesting ‘You scrounge for 10 hours and find 2 bullets’, but I don’t want things to be too easy. That also goes for combat – I like the threat of death, but not character’s being bumped off left right and centre. Ideally, I’d like the players to feel like badasses, but not have them waltz through encounters. There’s no feeling of triumph without the struggle to ge there.

3: There’s not much desert type area near me, but there is a decent amount of forest. I’m fine with that – the Drop Bears need somewhere to live. Sure, there’s also civilians not to spook and council permission to get as well, but that comes later. 

4: Start small, then expand. I’ve already had one player ask to be a mutant Kangaroo (After a friend commented that I was writing Tank Girl: The LARP) and while I’m not saying no, I’d rather give it 6 months or so then start adding that level of weirdness.

5: Costuming. I love getting dressed for an event, it’s one of the main reasons I LARP, so naturally I’d like to see a good standard of costume. I don’t want to enforce that, but hope that the player base will continue to improve kit over time.

6: Lastly (For the time being): a sense of humour. I’m almost incapable of running a serious event, which is both good and bad for my GM’ing, but I game to have fun, not to engage in psycological torture. Well, not all the time…

More to follow.