Picts or it didn’t happen.

How can I wear the harness of toil, and sweat at the daily round?
While in my soul forever the drums of Pictdom sound?
Robert E Howard

It’s been a mixed last few days. Brutal heat, bad sleep and the news that Ravenswood LARP have cancelled their 2026 event. I don’t blame them, the reasons were more than sensible, but I’m still a little sad about it. Still, that’s something to look forward to in 2027, which is nice. Looking at the LARP Calendar has shown mostly battle games, and that’s not dramatic enough for me. At some point I’ll make it to a Concord and continue to foolishly hold out hope that Path of the Warden will return, but there’s precious little else out there that works for me. Still, I’ve managed to find one!

Spurred on by wifely approval and the fact that two of the 3 factions had sold out their ticket allocations, I’m going to Lost Settlers mid next year! The two sold out factions are the Barborillas, inspired by 17th Century Germany and Spain, and the Orthos, who have a British redcoat vibe. Now, I’ll miss the chance to dress flamboyantly, or Sharpely, but the faction I’ve joined (who still have tickets available!) are the Broch’Tir, who are inspired by ancient Celts, Gauls and the Picts. In short, that’s my jam, as the Skindred song goes. The chance to play with black powder weapons (albeit represented by band guns, rather than cap firing weapons) is one I’ll miss, but the chance to get my Celtic barbarian on? OH HELL YES.

Now, it’s still in the early stages. I’ve been excitedly bouncing around character ideas, looking at what kit I have that’s suitable and works for a Victorian winter. There’s also the matter of sticking to the game’s cultural brief, which sadly means modern kilts are out. Though if I’m reading it correctly (and I really hope I am), the old school great kilt is allowable to a certain degree. And at that point dear reader, I may have let out a burst of joy that even BRIAN BLESSED might have considered a bit loud. I’ve not found a suitable tartan or fabric yet, and I’ll need to get cheat pleats installed, but I’ve wanted to own one for years, and this is as good a time as any.

The two main ideas I’m tossing around are as following:
1: Big Game Hunter. Quiet, sneaky bastard, but reliable and a provider for his tribe.
2: Old Warrior. Cheerful, enthusiastic, and desperately ignoring the fact that he’s getting old.
I do have a loose third concept, but it’s more an additional idea. See, the players have been exceptionally well organised and set up a Google Sheet that has character details, and only a couple of them have taken any sort of medical skill, and from past experience at Path of the Warden, a healer is always useful. Now, from what I’ve read of the rules, combat is rather lethal – armour doesn’t add to it for starters, merely cuts down the stages of healing. Yep, none of this healed in seconds by magic nonsense at this game, no. There’s also a solid warning to bring suitable kit for a new character should the worst happen. I’m reminded of a story from a friend who had a character at a Concord event last about 12 hours, but those 12 hours were glorious.

Side note: the threat of death also happens to be something I enjoy in a LARP.

I’m leaning towards the second option, or an unholy combination of the two, mostly owing to wanting to be A: useful and B: social. It’s an important lesson to remember in LARP (along with remembering to eat and wear comfortable shoes), that while the likes of Batman and Wolverine may be fun on the page, playing an anti-social loner can turn out to be not very much fun. I’ve also inquired if any other players in my nation are interested in some IC romance during the event, but it’s early days. There’s plenty of time to sort out romantic entanglements before hand. Besides, I don’t even have a character confirmed yet!

As for inspirational material, it’s no surprise my first thought was Robert E Howard’s tales of Bran Mak Morn, the Last King of the Picts. Despite Bran appearing in few stories compared to Conan or Solomon Kane, Worms of the Earth and Kings of the Night are bona-dife Howard classics. Other reading is some Osprey books on the Picts, and I’m pretty sure I have a couple on the Roman invasion of Britain kicking about. On that note, the films Centurion and The Eagle are due for a re-watch (Or in the latter case, a first one) and I dug out my copies of season 1 and 2 of Britannia. Fingers crossed I make it more than 3 episodes in this time. Still, there’s David Morrisey and Ian McDiarmid chewing the scenery with merry abandon, which helps. There’s also the 2004 King Arthur, the Doctor Who episode The Eaters of Light (written by Rona Munro, who also wrote Survival, the last story to air in the classic series) and the 2007 film The Last Legion which I sold a friend on watching by saying it had Colin Firth in Roman armour. (That’s not a lie to be clear, but I’m not sure it salvages the film itself)

It also means I have the chance to possibly buy a new sword or axe, not to mention taking my long bow into (fake) battle again. It’s been far too long since I’ve shot it. There’s the gorgeous leather cuirass I bought at a medieval fair a couple years back I’ve hardly worn and while it would require taking the Instrument skill (A tough choice, given there’s only 5 skill slots), the temptation to buy the largest blowing horn I can find has noisily reared it’s head again. Sure, I’d likely need to walk a kilometre or two into a nearby National Park to practise with it, but I’d rather spare my neighbours that horror. Still, could be worse – I could be singing.

So yeah. I’m in that early stage of a new game excitement. It feels wonderful to have things in the calendar that aren’t my brain doctor appointments. I’m kicking around ideas for Pheno next year and still have the occasional thought of making another attempt at working on another LARP event. Either way, it’s lovely to have things to look forward to. May you as well.

“Time, Professor. It is all a matter of time…”

The title is in observation of the fact that numerous parts of this were drafted in my head when I awoke in the early hours of the last few days, but then forgot them when I awoke the next day. I’m certain I’ve lost some cracking jokes, but I’ll also take any opportunity to reference City of Death, the serial that has the single finest joke in all of Doctor Who, classic or modern, and why I can’t help but think of the Mona Lisa as ‘that dreadful woman with no eyebrows that couldn’t sit still.’ It could also reference that Covid shot my passage of time to bits, given I recently saw a joke that referenced Kendall Jenner giving a cop a Pepsi, and then found that ad was from 2017. *sighs* I mean, I know a lot of my cultural references are old, but I’m aware they are. Having that sneak up on me was less than welcome.

Most of what I’ve been doing the last week has been work, and it’s been relatively calm. Sure, there was the parade of right wing nutters that went past Saturday afternoon, but they stayed outside. At first I wasn’t sure what the theme was, as we’ve had a few pro-Palestine protests go past in recent months, but upon sighting the ratio between people wearing Australian flag capes and police, as well as a placard that read “Australia needs a Trump Card”, it wasn’t difficult. I resisted the urge to stick my head out the door and mock, but I did get some snark in with customers inside the store at the time. I did have a pair of LARP swords with me in a bag behind the counter, but there were there mostly for moral support. I knew they were there, and they made me feel happy. It’s also the closest I’ve got to actually using them in far too long, but I’m still in a state of miserable inaction on that front, as opposed to getting my shit together and getting to an event/writing one.

Speaking of customers, most of mine continue to be lovely. Even if I don’t remember them when they return. The area my work is in adds some atmosphere, from the occasional yelling and whooping from the alley, passers by playing music on Bluetooth speakers (who should be jailed if I had my way) and the folks who walk by screaming, whether into their phone or at the sky. The human who encouraged it’s dog (I don’t recall the person’s gender) to piss right next to our front door. I was going to to say something, but was struck dumb in shock, before filling an empty bottle with water and washing the residue away. And the café across the alley ways background music and their overuse of Queen’s Greatest Hits. There’s only so many times I can hear Bohemian Rhapsody – the least they could do was play the Muppet version,

There’s the people who haggle, those who want one thing that we don’t have, or who seem to refuse to acknowledge me. Overly intense chess players, people who want phone cables and video games (neither of which we sell), or are simply lost and need directions. I occasionally wonder if any of them ever found their destination, or if I’ll be haunted by them in whatever afterlife I wind up in. The occasional one who wants to tell me far too much about their characters/campaigns, but I’m certain every game store employee get’s those. And then we have those rare few who make me want to draw forth the Black Sword, announce “BLOOD AND SOULS FOR MY LORD ARIOCH” and let Stormbringer do what it does best. Though I haven’t wanted to smack a customer quite so hard as when one put a copy of the Avatar RPG Uncle Iroh’s Adventure Guide on the counter and started singing Leave From The Vine to me. Bastard. (To be clear, I know him outside of work and it was meant in fun, but still)

I do have a few catchphrases as well!
When selling dice: “And as always, may they roll better for you than for me.”
Battletech: “Have fun crushing your enemies.” (I haven’t gotten to tell any of them about my wedding vows, but when/if we get a new Conan the Barbarian RPG in stock it’ll happen)
Avatar: The Last Airbender Magic cards: “I hope you get some cabbages!”
Finding something a customer has walked past: “You didn’t miss it, you just hadn’t looked their yet.”

Getting back to the strange, there’s been a few conspiracy nuts. One said by embracing Halloween we were encouraging child murder – that was different. Some seemingly come in to try to mess with me – there was a spectacular one yesterday who stuck her head in, yelled “What the fuck, totally weird man” then left. Alas, she returned about 30 seconds later, enquiring as to my state of mind, to which I said I’m keeping busy and could I help her? I was told I could, and I quote, “Suck on my pussy flaps please!” and she left again, excitedly telling the tale at someone in the street. She could have been high, or just trying to shock a mundane, I don’t know. I kept a polite silence as to her offer, though the line “Not even if I was single” did pop into my head about 30 seconds after she left and later that night the thought of calmly saying ‘Sorry miss, I suck dick’ made me chuckle a little. It’s been a few years since I’ve said something that’s made the rest of the room stop and stare at me after all.

The baseline anger and frustration continues though. It could be the ever increasing length of Black Friday sales, given some stores were running them all month it seemed. It’s another unneeded example of the creeping tide of American cultural imperialism (I prefer Creeping Death), but seeing Christmas stuff in stock in mid October was infuriating enough for me. My views on Halloween boil down to ‘If it makes you happy, then go for it’, but I though it was meant to be a buffer before Christmas started? Clearly not. As with many things in life…. *shakes fist at sky* CAPITALISM!

Regardless, I’m looking forward to a day off, almost as much as not getting Black Friday ads for a while. I continue to block ads for shitty retro game emulators and curse the addition of AI options to seemingly everything I look at. I may have something of a grudge against ads and their overuse, but that comes from my time working in TV. My social batteries are fairly tapped out, but I’m trying to keep thinking of it as the good kind of exhausted, if that makes sense? It’s been long enough that I should be adjusted to it, but I’m still feeling like I want to hide more often than not. I’m not sure what this means for my recovery time, but I guess we’ll find out when/if I get a chance to. As for the rest of my brain, seeing a piece in the Guardian on toxic humility certainly applies to me, but telling myself that I can do good things on a regular basis? Believing in myself? Mostly it reminds me of how much my wife hates my knack for self deprecation. I’d like to say I’m getting better at avoiding it, but it’s as if it’s an awkward internet photo – it’s always there, no matter how often I delete it. Gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth indeed.

Not sure what else I have to say at the moment. It’s late and I should sleep. In case I don’t get the chance to say it, I hope you have all have a wonderful holiday season and only joyous things happen to you and yours. I may frequently be a miserable git who would like nothing more than to make it through this time of year without hearing a single bit of Christmas cheer, but that doesn’t mean I want that for other people. May you take joy however you find it. Glory to you, and your house…

And so as you hear these words, telling you now of my state.
I tell you to enjoy life. I wish I could, but it’s too late.

Some list entries and a little Kombat,

Before we start, for reasons I’ve long forgotten I felt compelled to start this with some of the items on my Bucket List. Feel free to compare and contrast to your own.

1: Attend a venue with a cloak room and check in an actual cloak
2: Form a shield wall/testudo when exiting a peak hour train. We get out, then you get on. That’s how this functions.
3: Run a LARP in a BBC quarry.
4: Run a LARP that has a cavalry charge with players mounted on hobby horses.
5: Stand at the base of the Eiffel Tower, look up and yell “BYE BYE DUGGAN!”
6: Dramatically entering a room/event to Anvil of Crom OR kicking in a door to the opening of the Funky Gibbon.
7: Do a Ramones based tour of New York City. Visit where CBGB used to be, shed a few tears at Joey Ramone Place and see the wall against which the cover of their first album was shot. I’m not a religious man, but that’s holy ground as far as I’m concerned.

But what have I been doing outside of work, sword and depression? Sure, I’ve been kept busy blocking ads for AI and shitty video game emulators, and continue to contemplate taking one of my LARP swords in to keep behind me at the store on Black Friday. But outside that, I was watching The Ministry Of Ungentlemanly Warfare and the idea that it’s basically a stealth prequel/sequel to The Man from UNCLE popped in my head, so it’s film review time! I’m not touching that film yet, as I haven’t finished it, so it’s time to review *90’s electro guitar noises* MORTAL KOMBAT! Oh, and the 90’s Spawn film.

It’s been a bounty of unexpected nostalgia, or unplanned stupidity depending on your take. Either way, choosing to watch the 90’s Mortal Kombat and Spawn films was not a sensible move on my part, though it ended well. Having not seen either since their initial cinema release (I’ve never claimed to have had good taste as a teen*) and seeing them turn up on Netflix. Yes, I know I have a nostalgia problem, thank you for letting me know… I probably shouldn’t be left alone for quite so long when I’m in this state of mind. Anyhow, let’s begin! First off, I’d long forgotten that both films gave Frank ‘Megatron’ Welker a gig, though having the big bad of your film have the voice of Doctor Claw is slightly less than intimidating, and that’s without mentioning the shonky late 90’s CGI. Spawn’s highlight was Nicol ‘Merlin’ Williamson both chewing all the scenery and being oddly restrained at the same time, as least compared to his turn in Excalibur.

Martin Sheen is there solely for the pay cheque, but looks less embarrassed than he does a couple of years later in Babylon 5: River of Souls. I have to give points to John Leguizamo for coping with the clown makeup and costume, though that may have hidden the look of ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ as he delivered his dialogue. As for the lead, Michael Jai White reminds me of Mark Dacascos, in the sense they’re both skilled martial artists and solid actors who deserve better careers, It wants to be all 90’s and grimdark, but it doesn’t have the skill set to get it over the line. I paid to see worse films as a teen (Super Mario Brothers comes to mind), but seeing Jai White trying his best to elevate a mediocre film, it just made me want to watch Black Dynamite again. But let me ask you, how can you not want to watch a film where Richard Nixon pulls out a set of presidential nun-chucks?

As for Mortal Kombat, it’s all about Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa chewing the scenery. About the only thing I recalled outside that was the mystifying even at the time casting of Christopher Lambert as Raiden, but his repeated use of “Heh heh heh” and “I don’t think so” were oddly amusing. I think he, Tagawa and Linden Ashby (Johnny Cage) were the only ones who enjoyed themselves, given how seriously everyone else seems to take things. Or it could just be their acting coaches told them to scowl in place of character development, cause it sure as hell ain’t in the script.

It wants to be all gritty and ultra violent as the games were, but’s hampered by a low budget, limited technology so it’s more of an 80’s ninja movie filled with unnecessary backflips and spandex costumes, but it doesn’t pretend to be anything else. Despite my mockery of it’s CGI, the limited abilities of it’s cast (To be fair to Bridgette Wilson, she was a last minute replacement and didn’t get anywhere near as much fight training) and costumes, the Goro suit was genuinely well done. Clearly that’s where a lot of the budget went. Overall, it’s very much a sign showing the way to the future for Paul WS Anderson’s directorial career, though it’s too early for his ‘this movie was an excuse to show off my wife’ phase of directing, as that began after he married Milla Jovovich. My theory on his 2011 The Three Musketeers was Jovovich had been shooting an audition reel to play Black Widow and things got out of hand. On that note, Blade Trinity is vastly improved by treating it as Ryan Reynolds making an overly elaborate audition tape for Deadpool.

Going further down the rabbit hole, that led me to watch the 2021 Mortal Kombat reboot, and that was a hell of a lot more fun. It’s still not great – the plot is formulaic, the cast are mostly unknown to me with the exception of Hiroyuki Sanada, who I’m always happy to see. I could say it’s a top tier video game adaption, but that’s also a very low bar. In it’s defence, it’s a lot of fun, had solid fight choreography and wasn’t hamstrung by having to tone down it’s violence to appeal to a younger audience. Indeed, it takes great delight in the way people can murder each other, with fists, blades, gardening tools and even a large hat all being put to ferocious blood splattering use. The fight scenes vary, and don’t extend their welcome, something I couldn’t say about certain almost never-ending fights in John Wick 4.

The film’s MVP though, is Kano. Oh fuck yes, you magnificent bastard. Throwing an Australian yobbo into ‘Enter the Dragon with magic’ may not seem like a smart idea on paper, but he’s the film’s highlight and I will die on that hill. (I’m definitely taking notes from his performance for the next time I play the Yowie at Ravenswood) There’s a noted lack of over the top scenery chewing from the bad guys in contrast to the 90’s incarnation, but on the whole it’s a vast improvement. It’s still not what I’d call a good film, but it’s an entertaining one and that’s all I expected from it. I’m actually looking forward to the sequel, and that’s something I didn’t expect.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing with my time of late. Worthwhile or worthless, I leave up to you. Be seeing you…

*To quote the speech I gave at my sister’s wedding, “She had a short lived love of the Spice Girls as a teen. It was the 90’s, I don’t judge. I am yet to grow out of my teenage love of Iron Maiden, and have no plans to do so.”

The Ups and the Downs

Post con crash continues. It could be that, a spike in my depression or general exhaustion, I’m not sure. Maybe I’m getting more social contact through my time at the store, and my system is still adjusting to that. Am I putting too much emphasis on sales reflecting my self worth? Could it have been going straight from Pheno back to work with no recovery time messed with me? Is the unstoppable approach of Christmas even earlier this year making things worse? In the words of Ronnie James Dio, “Who the fuck knows?” Either way, I’ve been tired, unfocused, cranky at times and generally sleepy. Well, more so than normal. I posted about it elsewhere, not wanting to ring any alarms, more talk through it in the hope it’ll move on. While the low mood hasn’t moved on as as far I’d have preferred, I did get a lovely and gratifying amount of support and care shown my way. For some reason that continues to be unexpected, despite the long history of the people in my life being wonderful. I’m sure my wife will say I should expect that, but that’s low self esteem talking!

I’ve made it without buying too much random stuff to try to cheer myself up. Well, mostly. I’ve got a few Sharpe paperbacks from a local second hand bookstore, finally found a copy of The Klingon Art of War that was in my price range (Accursed Ferengi!) and since B5 Books was about to close down, I treated myself to the ‘What the hell happened?’ series about Crusade in digital form. Yes, I normally prefer the physical books, but this meant I could purchase more and I’m still scarred from moving. The deadline helped, otherwise I may have gone for a Captains Coat (Still not sure if wool or cotton), or adding a very pretty axe to my collection. The quest for dopamine is a tricky one, as all too often I buy something, get the minor hit and then get home where it gets added to the pile of other random unused stuff. Yes, I am looking at the stack of LARP weapons I own and have barely used. I really miss LARP – the camaraderie, the stories, the cloaks. It’s a glorious moment heading to an event in costume and have a small child look at you, then accusingly at it’s parents as if to ask “Parent, why am I not wearing a cloak right now?”

Once again, with pretty much every mention of LARP, it reminds me of the fun and makes me want to do more, and most of that is interstate. So, what do I do with the kit I have now? Do I go to the shops in costume (I don’t know if I’ve gained a reputation amongst my neighbours yet), or try to write something that I can actually run? We all know what my track record is like with that sort of thing and it’s not great. Sure, I’m contemplating one for Pheno next year, but a single session three hour freeform scores lower on the difficulty scale than a full day LARP. There’d be a similar amount of rules though, as Path of the Warden converted me to a minimal rules (I believe it’s called Nordic, but don’t quote me on that) approach. It’s a vicious circle – I buy stuff that could be used at LARP and that makes me happy, but rarely actually get the chance to use it. Maybe I should stage some small scale costume parties or wear a cape when I’m working in the store?

Switching back to the miserable, the recent malaise has been that bad it’s kept me from sword. Well, that, and an issue with my left hand – I’ve been getting wrist soreness and the muscle on the back of the hand has been sore. I think it was down to a heavy jacket (Yes, my mid life crisis rock and roll one) pressing down on that part of the hand rather than anything more serious. At least, I hope not. It seems to be recovering, though from time to time it’ll flare up and make itself known. I’ve been back at sword the last couple of weeks, and while it’s a struggle from time to time, it feels really good. I train with a lovely bunch of folks, and the welcome back’s were much needed, as nervous as I was walking back in the hall after the time off.

There has been some definite good news though – planning for the next Ravenswood LARP event has kicked back into gear, and I’m excited for it. Based on how Coach was received last year I’m ecstatic, and planning for a bigger and better Phys Ed experience, one with on and off field participation! (I’m also really hoping Spiritual House get’s some new students, so I can be the Yowie again.) New costume plans, games and ideas are floating around, and I’ve been very good and not overwhelmed the admin chat with them, or even asked any of the faculty staff if they wanted to do something IC romance wise. Tickets are on sale now, so if you want to cast some spells and have some fun, get on it! Yes, Western Australia is a trek, but the game (and the people behind it) are wonderful and well worth it. I’m really hoping to not be the only one from NSW next event.

*Never thought I’d want to hear Sauron saying “G’day cunts!”*

In other good news, I have secured tickets to a special event, as one of my favourite comics is returning. Officially, he’s here for his day job as part of the BBC Ashes coverage team, but he managed to book some shows in around that. He’s the Prince of Puns, the Baron of Bullshit, the Cardinal of Cricket Stats, the one and only Andy Zaltzman! You may know him from his recent Taskmaster UK victory, The Bugle podcast (It’s former co-host being some guy named John Oliver) his other radio and TV appearances, or the pun runs I keep playing to people when I introduce them to the Bugle. He’s also responsible for why I can’t help giggling at the merest mention of Silvio Berlusconi as well as my introduction to the Iron Sheik and for those I am eternally grateful.

I’m not sure how to end this, I’ve been bouncing back and forth. I’d like to say there’s light at the end of the tunnel and that it’s not a freight train and that would be mostly right. Have I spend more time wanting to do something than actually doing it? Emailing the NSW police to ask if I can import a flintlock cap gun instead of writing plot? (I did get a response, but it merely quoted the act at me, and not, as I asked, give me a Yes/No answer as to if I could or not) Have I spent time idly musing about a slow introduction of a supernatural element into a setting and the risks/rewards inherent in that? Really, I’d just be happy to be able to get up in the morning and get something done before having to leave for work, that would be bloody lovely. Surely that’s not too much to ask?

*I didn’t come here to be attacked, and yet here we are.*

Good night, sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

The post event blues

And once again comes to post con crash. Slightly lessened for me this year but having to go straight back to work as opposed to recovery time, but it’s been relatively busy, so that’s kept me from too much angst. The comedown is still there though, as is the adrenaline crash. The flood of ideas for next year has continued, but more on that later. An ugly part has reared it’s head, and that’s feedback. As always, it’s terrifying to see, soul shattering to read, and left me in a crumpled heap. To be clear though, I have zero issue with it’s author, and he was kind enough to clarify what he’d said and add some quite lovely things afterward. Feedback is like a bad playtest – it hurts at the time, but it makes for a better product. Some things I can work on, other things have become part of the fabric of my events. I do regret not checking with people on pronouns and comfort levels, and am willing to admit that I was running off a “It’s one of my events, surely nothing too horrible can happen” and at times did tell people to please speak up if they were uncomfortable. I like to think that people would feel OK doing so, and can only pleased that people who choose to play my events are wonderful and who wouldn’t be jerks. It’s not an actual defence, as I had a few first timers, but I assume the best of people until proven otherwise.

(Although I could probably use a Co-GM to stand beside me and tap me on the shoulder when I’m about to go off topic, anecdote or have let players fart about for too long, no matter how much fun they’re having.)

The flood of ideas has continued. Well, less flood and more ‘I’m temporarily hyper focused on this until something else comes along’. I have met my brain before. The first idea was the ‘escaping the rest home’ and that’s mostly been about what is the actual point of the adventure and what archetypes are the PC’s inspired by. Inspirations have been the following:
Autolycus (Hercules/Xena)
Locke Lamora
Ffarhd and the Grey Mouser (In this version they’d be a couple)
Catwoman
Lupin III and Fujiko Mine (If you don’t know these names, run, don’t walk, to legally attain a copy of The Castle of Cagliostro and watch it. You’ll thank me afterwards.)

As for the plot, friends on BlueSky have been ‘helping’ with that. Perhaps the children of the PC’s are slated for execution, or borrowed their tools and need to be saved, before the PC’s are incriminated as well? Makes for a nicer idea than breaking out to see the sun one last time before the end, or a thinly veiled knock off of Bubba Ho-Tep, which I’m not sure I can manage as a GM either. As funny as that film was, it was also a lot bleaker than I was expecting. I do like the idea of choosing characters by picking a prop responding to that character’s style – the assassin get’s a dagger, the thief get’s lock picks, con artist a false moustache, etc. In no way do I claim the idea to be original, but it amuses me so it’s not being discarded.

The other idea arose from a sartorial desire. I’d idly posted about wanting tailors set up near cinemas, so I could walk out of a movie and commission versions of things I’d just seen (It’s been a dream for a while) and in an effort to explain myself, said I’d had an idea for a pirate freeform, but didn’t really have an idea short of “Let’s Dress as Pirates: The Freeform.” Since then, there’s been encouragement, a little regret at not dressing up recently, and several ideas, some less cursed than others. The current most spectacular one is the Multiverse Pirate Gathering, in which the likes of Captain Hook, the Pirate King, Davy Jones and Long John Silver (The Tim Curry version, in case anyone wondered) have a get together.

I adore my friends that they’ll jump on stuff like this. For all the chaos it can cause, it makes me feel incredibly loved. It’s eerily similar to how Australians will automatically back each other up when bullshitting to Americans, I suggest something utterly stupid and they emerge yelling things like “Write it!” and “When are we getting a second Fair and Balanced game? And before you monsters say anything, the answer is no. As for the pirate game, the Multi-Vaaarrrrsal Committee* isn’t a bad one, but mostly I’m vexed by how, despite his not technically being a pirate, can I sneak a cameo from Redbeard Rum in?

The other topic that’s been vexing me is a possible supernatural element to it, mostly is there something that hasn’t been used overmuch, or is unexpected? Skeletons, zombies and voodoo (Mostly the Hollywood version, but some more historical) are all much part of the legend these days and what else could there be? We’ve all seen the Kraken, battled zombie pirates and the like, and while I’m normally the first to jump for the old clichés, I find myself struggling for something new. Not sure why to be honest, but my ideas so far have been monkeys empowered by dark magics that fling explosive poop and piss acid, or borrowing an old idea of mine and using drop bears (AKA, crew in bloodstained koala onesies with giant foam claws) and neither of those are exactly practical for a convention one-shot. And no, I’ve no idea where the idea for the monkeys came from.

*“Wake up hon, a new Pirate LARP just got announced!”*

Bedtime now. I’ve worked all weekend, and am back at it tomorrow. Sleep well, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

*It’s a working title.

Phenomenon: 2025 Edition!

Another Phenomenon has finished and I find myself back at home again starring at reality. As always, I’m shattered with exhaustion and semi lucid, but running 9 sessions from 11 will do that to you. Good times. Quotes from my event will be in italics scattered about, with no context given. (As far as I know they’re all correct, but feel free to correct me if not) Consider that incentive to sign up for my events in future, as my players are fucking hilarious. Anyhow, let’s commence the recap!

Overall, it’s been bloody lovely. There’s been some wonderful compliments towards me and my event, though the highlight was being told in another game someone was trying to describe an NPC’s hair and beard, which was summed up as “Just like Gav.” I’m very pleased by that, and have made sure not to ask who the NPC in question was. The event organisers and volunteers continue to be lovely, supportive and encouraging and I adore them for it. It feels like being back amongst my people when I walk in, and that was before I found out that I was A: in the same room the entire con and B: it was on the ground floor and close to a bathroom. It’s the little things that can matter the most.

“Lawrence, I’ve been informed you were trained at some sort of Police Academy. I’ve seen those movies and I’m not impressed.”

“How’s things been? Apart from the cancer?”

“Of course they can fit it in the engine, they don’t call it a mini gun for nothing!”

Anyhow, my event. There was frantic re-writing beforehand (I look back fondly on the first of my Musketeers games which was play-tested a month before the event, something I’ve never managed again) and stress. I may take too much joy from people enjoying my work, but I continue to be nervous before my con games. As always, after the first session I shouldn’t have. One of my regulars commented it was his 2nd, maybe 3rd, Pheno with his first session being my game, and he was very pleased by that. Post session, there was quite the sigh of relief. Had a player later either at her first con, or her first roleplaying game (I don’t remember), but if that was her first game she’ll be stunning going forward. Felt good to be back in the saddle.

“They don’t expect the first explosion, but we’ve got more explosions to come.”

“The recoil on the shotgun will lift us higher.”

“The motion tracker from Aliens, but for printers.”

Overall, the game itself went as well as I’d hoped for, though I’m willing to admit some sessions were better than others. Nothing to do with the players, but I’m the first to admit my 1st 2 sessions on the Sunday weren’t quite up to my usual standards – the first session on daylight saving day is always a crap shoot and 3 players left me scrambling to fill a few more gaps. The afternoon session was restrained, owing to a friend of mine’s kid being a player. The kid was spectacular though, and thoroughly deserved the trophy I gave him. Anyhow, that restraint might be how the late session Sunday ended up as a torrent of filth. I may have cracked open that particular Pandora’s (Shoe) Box, but the players ripped it open and let the horror flow freely. Turned out the movie in that session was part funded by product placement/sponsorship from Wikifeet (If you don’t know what that is, don’t search for it) and the level of filth went to 11. Thousand.

“The good news is, I’m a notoriously bad shot. The bad news is, I’m shooting to wound.”

“That might be the worlds largest Rick-Roll?”

“There’s a bunch of settings on the side (of the taser): Recharge, Tickle, Incapacitate, War Crime.”

The final 2 sessions (On the Monday of the con) were minimal dice, maximum narration. We were all incredibly tired, on the same level and I spent a lot of it trying not to collapse from laughter. I think the morning session was the point at which we mutually tried to connect the film to as many fictional universes as possible. So, the people who freeze frame the film will spot shout outs to this company, mentions of these fictional companies and various actors are either in cameos, or in the background. 1 session had Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny playing a characters parents, while the scores at the virtual target practise software in another had the names J Steed, M Smart and I Gadget. I bloody love my players, especially when they match my style of crazy.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever described an axe being touched as sensual.”

“The only people I’ve upset is the Homeowners Association and I can take them.”

“If it’s an Eastern European possum, then it’s a raccoon, and has a moose friend and I hate them both!”

The following are out of context highlights. Brace yourselves.
The mysterious island the bad guy’s base was located on was shaped like a large foot in the ‘funded by Wikifeet’ session. They entered the caves underneath through a gap between the toes.
Me hearing a player mention using an AR15 and immediately thinking “AR15 – when you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucking student in the school, accept no substitute.” I’m not proud.
One of the hacker’s contacts being the actual Nicholas Cage.
All the sex dungeon jokes in one session.
The ways some groups took over the villain’s organisation. Some were intimidation, most involved murder, and in one case a PC snuck up behind him and cut his throat while he was on a zoom call with his underlings.
The way the driver’s (played by Helen Mirren) car having an increasingly large central console with the standard gears being Neutral, Reverse, Drive and Donuts.
What was possibly the world’s largest Rick-Roll.
A bomb detonation being stopped by a knife being thrown into a hand. (I like to think wherever he is that Clancy Brown smiled at that point)
The running gag of “technobabble” “In English?”
Wanting to hear Helen Mirren say “Ooops, had the silly thing in reverse.”

“You didn’t kill my father, will you stop saying that!”

“I’m not that much of a dick, I’m only a mild amount of dick.”

“Valkyrie, Miss Piggy, either way they’re both women we’re not going to fuck with.”

It was fucking glorious. I didn’t get sick this year, even if the plan to nap in my spare sessions didn’t quite work out. The joy of compliments, and plotting new ideas. Some of them include:
5 versions of Batman have to work together. (There may be a secret session with 4 of them being Adam West, with the last PC being the actual Adam West)
Staff at a fantasy charity shop dealing with cursed magic items.
Elderly thieves have to escape from a heavily fortified retirement home.

Anyhow, time for sleep. You should be planning to attend next Pheno.

Stabbing and falling and punching and crawling…

No, the title has nothing to do with my mental state, it’s more that Halestorm’s version of Dissident Aggressor (Surely I don’t need to state the original was by Judas Priest?) is a stone cold banger. You could also take it as a meditation on what it takes to get through some days, but I try not to get too philosophical this early in these things.

So, what have I done of late and why haven’t I written? For starters, my left wrist has been wonky the last few weeks, and it’s kept me from sword. I shouldn’t be able to hear grinding when I rotate my hand, right? To say nothing of the muscle on the back of my left hand tensing up. Yes, I know I should see a doctor, but I’ve had stuff on, OK?

I attended the wedding of 2 friends last week, and was very good and kept to the dress code (New kilt, yay! Also, it has a pocket!) and didn’t take a LARP weapon with me. I first met the couple through LARP, hence the possibility of weaponry, and have been at a few weddings that could have been improved by carrying one (As could almost everything), but I was fairly certain that doing so wouldn’t have been appreciated. So, instead of causing a scene, I was good, and wish the rest of the happy couple’s lives together be as happy as a Maiden gig when Fear of the Dark kicks in.

I’ve had a couple of bits drafted, the longest one being about the Triple J Australian Hottest 100 and how WRONG and UTTERLY STUPID the voting public are. Yes, my tastes aren’t shared by the masses and ordinarily I have far less of a problem with that, but Khe Sanh getting more votes than Highway to Hell? Made things even worse seeing the songs that came in 101 to 200, to add insult to injury. Alone With You was at #160? (I’m) Stranded only came in at #124? NOT A SINGLE RADIO BIRDMAN TRACK? I’ll spare you my further screaming about it, but seeing Ben Lee’s Catch My Disease there did make me want to punch something. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but I fucking hate that song.

Yes, I hold musical grudges as bitter as any of the other illogical grudges I carry with me long past any sane expiry date. Surely that’s no surprise by now? It’s rarely against performers themselves (Unless they’ve done a shit cover of something I love), but there’s far too many songs out there who’s success utterly mystifies and/or infuriates me. For example, I take a large amount of delight from knowing that everyone involved with the song Groove Is In The Heart will eventually die. I don’t want them dead now, to be clear, but knowing it will someday happen is something I look forward to. It’s much in the same way that John Rogers (Leverage creator) once said “I do cardio because I need to live long enough to piss on a lot of graves.” Anyhow, I scrapped that piece after seeing that First Dog on the Moon beat me to it and did it in a way far more amusing than I could. I do humbly disagree with him on the best Ramones lyric though, which is clearly the opening of “I Just Want To Have Something to Do.” Tell me I’m wrong. *waits* YOU CAN’T CAN YOU?

(The Turnbuckles and Scientists are also well worth your time. EDUCATE YOURSELVES HEATHENS!)

The main distraction was my event for Pheno, which I tested last weekend and it… Didn’t go well. All hail to my playtesters for their patience and tolerance, and the feedback given will make for a much improved event. I wasn’t ready, even more so than normal, and it showed. I’d also committed the cardinal sin of not talking to my wife about it, which is the first thing I generally do with my games. Yes, it had been nearly 2 years since I’d GMed and have been rattier than normal (Turns out the retail part of my job being quiet of late weighs on me more than I thought), but that doesn’t excuse things. Still, changes have been made, plots rewritten and the enterprise is shaping up nicely. Moral of the story is, thank your playtesters people, they are worth their weight in dice!

In other long delayed achievements, I finally passed my driver’s test and am now allowed to drive solo! I thought I’d fucked it up again so being told I’d passed meant restraining a yell of triumph. It also meant I managed to get my P’s before Niece, Age 17, got her full license, but she has things that are alien to me, like self esteem. After a shaky start, I’m now perpetually torn when behind the wheel between a burst of nerves as soon as I see another car near me and wanting to scream “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU INCOMPETENT P’TAKH? May Fek’lhr visit your soul with a thousand tortures before you next sit behind the wheel!” If you’re going to road rage, do so in a way that utterly confuses the person you’re screaming at. And don’t get me started on pedestrians – “Lady, there’s a crossing barely 50 metres away, why in the actual fuck are you trying to cross here?”

On the bright side, as a reward I bought another LARP sword! #treatyoself The store it came from didn’t have the axe I was after on the day, but given the time it took to get to the event they were at, there was no way in hell I was leaving without a weapon of some sort. Now, if only there was a game near me I could use it at, as all it’s doing currently is sitting next to my writing desk ready for me to twirl it dramatically from time to time. There’s worse uses for a blade. Alas, the next Concord came up too quick and it’s too close to Pheno, and the battle games near me aren’t my thing. At least, I assume they’re still running. It’s back to the old position of ‘if I want something that’s my style I’ll have to be part of the GM crew.’ Either way, it’ll have to wait till after Pheno. I’ve already had 2 workable ideas for 2026 (Both tabletops), and I don’t need more getting in the way of that. Yes, I know that’s only a week away, but I’m nervous enough about the bloody thing. No matter how many I run, I still get spooked hoping that people will enjoy it. I choose that to be a good thing.

I’ve also found some more RPG’s I’m keen to try, and they’re all Borg. No, not that sort of Borg. This sort: Pirate, Dukk and Ninja. Me being keen on Pirate Borg should be about as surprising as my wife being a fan of Stray Kids, and Dukk is a post apoc doom metal version of Duck Tales (Woah-oh!), a premise so utterly insane it needs to be on my gaming shelf. There’s one issue with Ninja Borg though, and that’s while it looks near perfect for the sort of over the top wackiness I run, I’m not sure I can support a game that not only foolishly claims ninjas are better than pirates, but sells merch I find personally offensive?

Anyhow, it’s past 1am as I type, and from past experience my writing only get’s less coherent at this point. Good night. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

I AM WOODEN MAN!

*cue Tony Iommi riff*

So, the first batch of photos from Ravenswood Institute recently emerged, and now I understand why players said they had no idea who was in the Automaton suit. I’m still a bit sad that, as far as I know, there’s no footage of him walking around. I completely understand why only approved crew have cameras, as I’ve been at fantasy LARPs where players have had phones out and recording during game play and it BOILS MY BLOOD*, , but to see what it looked like from the other side would be lovely, you know? in any case, I continue to patiently wait for more photos to emerge, and not just ones with me in them.

Took a lot of willpower not to end sentences “This is the way.”

There’s been further planning for next event (Tickets are already on sale!), and I’m trying to be good and not buy more costume parts** yet. It’s helped that I’m mostly fixated on making Phys Ed better, and more inclusive, rather than how I’m dressed. Can’t take the field? I’m hoping at the very least you’ll watch, and that I can get you involved somehow. Being inclusive is important to me, and I want as many people to enjoy my events. Yes, I know I won’t have everyone on the field, but I don’t want people to feel as if they missed out owing to factors beyond their control. The fact that Phys Ed was embraced so eagerly is still a huge weight off my shoulders and brought me almost as much joy as hearing that I made people cry during my time as the Automaton. I was crying during the performance, and it’s heart warming to see the audience felt that way as well.

Work continues to go along. I seem to have a bunch of regulars at the store and my banter seems to be well received. Seeing positive reviews people have left about me has been wonderful. I got to meet Human Nephew*** for the first time yesterday, and he didn’t immediately freak out when he was handed to me, which was nice. My wife said he was really enjoying being patted to the sound of drums, at which I cackled madly with joy. He will be like us! I’m back doing driving lessons again, and I’m not sure what’s more odd, that I told my instructor a heavily censored version about an incident involving a certain Cradle of Filth shirt (If you don’t immediately know the one I mean, I’d turn safe search on), or that I spent most of my last lesson with the opening of the theme to Mr Squiggle stuck in my head. My brain continues to be odd. (On that note, yes, I’m aware of the exhibit and am sorely tempted to make a day trip to see it)

LARP wise, I’m still focused on Ravenswood, continue to be curious about Drachenfest (It’s proximity to Pheno continues to be an issue), have had several WA friends try to get me over for Concord and Lost Settlers announced dates for next year. So many events, so little time… And that’s without mentioning my wife reminding me about the New Zealand scene. I do miss running about with foam swords and shouting, but given I can’t even fly the skull and crossbones from my balcony, I don’t think I should engage in that sort of behaviour at home. I managed to get through Winterfest without buying another weapon, but that’s only cause a dagger I was keen on had sold out when I went back to buy one. Still, the hood I bought helped keep the sun off my face on the Sunday, and that was welcome. As for the upcoming Blacktown event, I’m tempted to take my fencing gear one day, but go in costume the next. It’s been far too long since I wore my giant hat out and more people need to see it’s glory.

A bearded man wearing a giant leather hat. — Is it not magnificent?

As for home, the new place is going well. We’re mostly settled in and unpacked, though renovation ideas are in motion. The feeling of knowing that it’s ours, and we can decorate as we wish continues to surprise me, and given the corridor between the main and bedrooms is now painted a dark violet, that really shouldn’t do so. I’m still not sure what art I want to put there, or above my writing area. Paralysis of choice is real. I don’t know how people can make an immediate decision and not spend weeks agonising over it, but I envy them however they manage it.

The only other planning of note (asides from Pheno), has been for future birthday events. I have a few ideas for combined movies and themes (ie, a theme of weird science and the film The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension), but one thing is confirmed, at least, at the time of writing. My 50th is still several years away, but there’s a film that’s very precious to me that I’ve somehow never seen in a cinema. What film, I hear you ask? Well, it has it’s flaws, and it’s lack of adherence to the source material is pretty damn strong, but the visuals and music made such an impact on me that I invoked it on no less than my wedding day. And really, hitting the half century seems an appropriate day to have the King of Aquilonia’s chronicler tell you of the days of high adventure…

Right. Time for bed. Night all. Sleep well. I’ll mostly likely kill you in the morning.

*I’ve been guilty of taking the phone out during quiet times, but I’m trying to keep a lid on it. Leaving it back in the dorm and trying to be more involved in game helps a lot.
** A weight lifting belt over the front of which I cover with leather, and have something Roy and HG-esque written in Futhark on it, with a wand holster on one hip and a hook for my Aether Ball frisbee on the other.
*** The original Nephew is a a Schnauzer and a Very Good Dog. He got 12/10 from We Rate Dogs, so it’s not just us who think so!

The Festival of the Wand, Part Deux!

It’s time for Part 2 of the Festival of the Wand, aka my look at Ravenswood Institute’s second event! (Part 1 can be found here should you require a recap)This less a recap, more an analysis, with regrets and plans for the future. Let’s get to it.

The emotional bleed continues. It’s been a different sort of bleed to Ravenswood last year, or Path of the Warden in 2023. The former was a ‘That was fun and I can do this’ while the latter was ‘I went somewhere knowing no-one and had an amazing time’, coupled with the intensity of the IC romance. (Fingers crossed that game returns as I’d love to continue the story) I’m used to bleed happening, it’s no shock, but this time it’s felt different. A large dose of relief that things worked, coupled with some regrets (Rational and irrational) and wanting things to have been better. Don’t get me wrong, the players seemed to enjoy it and I’ve heard nothing but good things about the event as a whole, but the standard I’d set for myself was higher. I can hyper focus when things aren’t going well, and yeah, the nerves were stressing me in the lead up. Finding out mine was the last event was something else. Yes, it gave me time to build a relationship with the students and staff, and I got some good roleplay in, but the tension, the feelings of just wanting to get it out of the way and done so I could relax. *whoof*

As for bleed, binging Skeleton Crew has helped take the mind off it somewhat, and it was great fun. Made for quite the contrast with Andor S2, the previous Star Wars show I’d watched. I’m soon to head over to S2 of Doctor Who, though no thanks to the Guardian and the Doctor Who FB page, I’m already aware of the season’s big events. You’d think there would be some sort of policy on not putting giant spoilers in article headlines, or giving it a couple of days before you announce them but no… *grumbles* Mind you, I’ve likely not helped things but continuing to listen to my Ravenswood playlist mixed with a lot of AC/DC, but as associated as they are with the event, they still make me happy. I’ve long been curious as to what the reaction would be if you hooked my brain up to an activity monitor and played the opening riff of Whole Lotta Rosie.

Overall, the game was vast amounts of fun. Everyone bought into the setting and atmosphere, worked with the story and went along with all manner of shenanigans. The horse curse was a highlight, as was the finale to the voodoo doll saga. I’ve no idea how it began, but I assume it was a cursed item. If they can’t keep that bloody cabinet locked they don’t deserve to have one if you ask me. I missed the start of it, but the end involved some screaming and confrontation, Physical’s star player collapsing in the lunch area and screaming how his career was over shortly before one of the screaming folks stabbed a blood bag filled voodoo doll. Just your everyday lunch at Ravenswood, especially given the other lunch break featured the Automaton entering and a mass Remove Curse being cast, thanks to yet another cursed item. That bloody cabinet. At least, I believe that’s what happened, and stand happy to be corrected. I don’t think it was the same lunch, as I’m pretty sure the Sunday lunch I spent as the Automaton, or hiding waiting for students to choose what object they’ll scry. It’s all a blur,

“Oh, Yowies — you eat the ass end of them.”
“Ummmmmm…”

The people. From the faculty, to the NPC Magical OH&S inspector (Who’d been determined to shut the school down, but was thwarted by having his notes ‘accidentally’ destroyed) to the student body, we all seemed to understand what we were getting into. The Inspector played the role of ‘officious jerk’ to a T (From talking to him he’s been somewhat typecast, but enjoys it) and I was a little sad Phys Ed ended without him interrupting me to enquire about student safety, as we’d planned the first night. Playing the person everyone hates can be tricky, but every time I saw or talked to him about it he was having a barrel of laughs. Especially on the dance floor Saturday night – I’ve no idea what was done to him to induce that sort of behaviour, but my money’s on some sort of unholy Fae brewed cocktail. Or Truth Serum. Apparently there was a bunch or two of that being brewed up somewhere on campus…

“Some one summoned a yowie and now it’s in the woods”
“There’s 2 boys kissing in the woods?”

The main con is the distance, both to the venue and how the players are scattered about. From what the orgs have said there’s spin off potential, and I think there would be an audience in my neck of the woods, but I’m not head GM material for it. Support staff, hell yes, but not in charge. It was lovely as players began to arrive and the chorus of “Hey, haven’t seen you since last year” began, but I want to see these people more. (Even if I’m not throwing spells at them) It’s a lovely community and I’m really pleased to share a hobby with then. For example, the two people running the hazing ritual Friday night gave me some chocolate Yowie eggs as thanks afterwards. It’s the little things that can mean the most, you know?

“So, just to clarify. Have you just awarded both of the students who were doping?”

This next part isn’t so much Cons, as things I want to do better/wish I’d done.
First, taking better care of myself in the lead up and during the event, mentally and physically. I need reminders for go the fuck to sleep and eat a sensible amount of food before LARP, though the game catering itself was wonderful. You’d think by this stage my nerves would be better, but nope. I can’t help but be in brown trousers mode, whether for doing something new, or going to the other side of the country to play let’s pretend with rules. I choose to take it as a good thing, that I care about it and want it to go well and I really do. I just need to believe other people when they tell me it’ll go well.

Be more organised. The weather can be planned for (And as I’ve already said, the crew did wonderfully), and I knew kind of what I wanted, but hadn’t worked out what order to do games in and how much time things would take. Also, while I had a few cheerfully insulting nicknames prepared, I do want more.

Doing more, whether that be asking more questions, talking to other players and getting reactions. I barely cast a spell all weekend for crying out loud! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to overshadow the students, they’re the reason we do this. As I’ve said, I also really want the Yowie and Automaton to return, but a minor cameo. Too much of a good thing can ruin it, you know? Getting back to Coach, part of the initial idea for the character was him being announced and at least half the staff facepalming while muttering “By Gandalf’s beard, it’s that guy” and that didn’t exactly happen. I didn’t seem to cause any havoc on campus (the students managed more than enough) and that’s certainly a goal for next year. Still, the students seemed happy to see me, even the ones who only watched my class, and that’s a big thing. The trophy has been taken by the orgs and will be in Physical House’s dorm next year. More Phys Ed has been demanded, and who am I to argue with that?

“THIS IS NOT MOH&S COMPLIANT!”

There’s also a fair whack of things I wanted to do, but didn’t get to, for various reasons. Mostly I wanted to participate more, to establish a reputation. I’ve had moments in games and life where someone will look at me and go “That was you?” and it feels glorious. Sure, of the things I didn’t do I’m glad for – there was a brief moment of temptation to start flirting with the people talking to the Yowie at the dance, but I like to think had the reception been positive I’d have said “I’m sure you’re all lovely, but you’re a tad scrawny and well, hairless for me.” (Though if you think I haven’t done some searching for Ghillie suits or Chewbacca costumes for next year, you would be very wrong) I’m seeking parts that I can add to my costume, but I’m trying to put any purchases off till early net year, or at least till after Pheno in October, which is a lovely convention and I recommend you all attend. I should be writing that game now as I write this.

Still, if I can learn from this and put those lessons into practise for next year, I should be in good stead. Maybe it’ll be one big game instead of some smaller ones or a mini tourney between class breaks? For now, it’ll be a mystery. I’ve submitted my feedback, the orgs are meeting in a few weeks to debrief and plot for the future, and I’m trying to bask in the glow of a job well done, patiently waiting for the event photos (Yes, there’s some of the Yowie and Automaton, not just Coach) and a hell of a lot of lovely compliments.

So, what happens next? Well, for you my dear readers I’ll tell you. Has this piqued your interest? Do you have the urge to cast spells, cause chaos and be abused by a sweary Yowie? Then get on it and join the FB group! Too far away? Ask the orgs nicely, and they may agree to letting you write and run a spinoff! Prepare for next event, and make sure when it’s time you have a ticket to Ravenswood Institute, where too much magic is barely enough!

Festival of the Wand, Part 1!

I have returned from a land beyond space and time, otherwise known as Western Australia, where I’ve been teaching at wizard university (No, not the Unseen one. Sadly). That’s right, it was Ravenswood Institute’s second event and dear readers, I had a blast. Wait, I had a Magic Missile! No. Melf’s Acid Arrow? Thunderwave? Fireball? (OK, I’ll stop now) For I wasn’t a mere student this year, but a member of staff – enter Duncan Kincaid, sports coach and Phys Ed instructor! The following recollections may be inaccurate, be missing important context and will almost certainly contain events I don’t mention during questioning and later rely on in court.

I mean, what other number would I choose? (It looks more purple in the flesh)

I’d enjoyed myself at their opening event last year, and had been kicking around the character idea for most of that time. it appealed owing to the contrast between the more reserved members of staff and a sports obsessed yobbo (Albeit one magically trained) with the short version being “What if HG Nelson taught at [THE MAGIC SCHOOL THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED]?” I’d submitted it to the admins, asking more if I was on the right track than expecting to be given the OK, and to my eternal surprise it was accepted, with a terrifying speed. Learning later the amount of trust they’d put in me, that they saw what I’d brought to the last game and thought my idea could work, was incredibly flattering, and far from the last compliment I’d receive. Still getting used to that. As long time readers may know, I have a teeny problem with self esteem.

So, what happened? Dancing, wizardry, a mechanical beast came to life, strange creatures appeared and cursed items ran amok. Horses, of a sort, cute (and unexpectedly vicious) animals, shouting, far too much rain and some good old fashioned Aussie racism. It’ll make some sort of sense when explained. The Friday was setup and student arrival. A lesson in basic spellcasting took place (as some folks missed it last year which meant they were in strife) followed by after hours shenanigans. There was a request to NPC a Yowie, who was being summoned by the Spiritual Dorm as part of their hazing of new students, with some ‘extra Aussie’ flavour asked for. Challenge accepted! He was meant to be creepy at first, then funnier, but once I got a laugh I couldn’t stop. What followed was regular abuse, insults (*sniffs players hand* “Smells virginal”), some revelations (“How’d you get the name Yowie?” “I dunno, I walk up to folks, they yell “YOWIE!” and run like fuck.”) and more abuse of white people in general. This lead to the recurring question “Are all Yowie’s racist?” and if I had $5 for every time that was asked over the weekend… The summoning circle was broken (as planned) and I escaped, with a loud cry of “Jokes on you dickheads, I’m free again!” It was glorious fun getting to unleash that inner yobbo.

Saturday morning was Magical Foci with Professor Emberleaf, and that was a joy. She’s a wonderful calming presence and as awful as I am at arts and crafts, it was oddly soothing putting something together. Far as I’m concerned, it’s a relaxing amulet to be placed over the dressing room door after a game that helps sooth wounds and tempers. Cursed Objects was next, which meant I was helping with scrying. In short, students were sitting around a table talking to the object in question in a positive tone while crew walked around making noises and trying to put them off. This would last for 10 minutes, with the tension being ratcheted up every 2. The temptation to whisper in people’s ears “Who are you?” and “What do you want?” was presented, and I jumped at it. We almost made one group literally jump when we gently lifted then dropped the table they were sitting around. *maniacal cackle*

Rain meant the Magical Creatures excursion had to take place indoors, but we coped. I can’t say enough how well everyone coped with the weather, which wasn’t great. A Quetzalcóatl’s eggs were on display, and the mother herself paid us a visit (a fantastic piece of puppetry courtesy of the Magical Creatures professor). A pair of her eggs went missing, and it seemed as if the rest were about to be stolen, but I missed the rest of that plot line. IIRC Saturday also saw the Horse curse. Basically, a cursed item had gotten loose, and if you touched it, you believed you were a horse. At one point there was half a dozen of them, students and faculty members alike, prancing about. A staff member timed it beautifully walking up to them playing The Horses on his phone just as the chorus started. *chef kiss* Then it was club time, dinner and the school dance, which meant time for Coach to dress fancy!

**I am darkness. I am the night. I am Coach!**

The dance brought shenanigans, dancing and some light drugging of the inspector who’d come for an OHS look at the school. Oh, and a return appearance from the Yowie. Emerging from the darkness as ‘Every Breath You Take’ played was a beautiful accident I couldn’t have managed if I tried. So, for some folks the first words they heard the Yowie speak was a loud “WHAT THE FUCK? Even I know that’s a song about stalking!” My personal dislike of the playlist bled over, which meant when asked what music he did like, the response was something like “the primal elemental sound of this country. I believe they call it Acca Dacca!” There was more banter, the discovery of his true name (I panicked for some reason and said Artorius, which I’m retconning to Artie) and getting a slightly supercharged spell to send him home. “You hear a loud cry of ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk’ as he disappears.” The super secret faculty after party was crashed by students, and I headed for bed. I’m really hoping the Yowie cameos in future games – I have a head canon vision of him storming into the next dance, marching up to the DJ and demanding “I want a song about a very special lady, and I want it now!” Several minutes of frenzied air guitar later, he vanishes into the night, and I immediately chug a large energy drink/consume half a tins worth of Milo (NOT Kerrigan) to replace what I’ve just sweated. Rock and roll.

Needless to say, I was slightly impaired come Sunday. There was breakfast (Did I mention the event is catered?) and more NPC duty, this time as an automaton with the spirit of the previous Cursed Objects animating it. A long trek out to the woods, waiting followed by more waiting (Some students had activated a curse), but seeing the looks on their faces as it began to move was worth it. There was conversation on the long walk back, and he told the emotional story of his life before and during the scrying ceremony. I cheerfully admit to stealing the entire thing lock stock and barrel from an episode of Crusade, but hearing afterwards that I’d made some of them cry made all the waiting and sweating (By Crom, I’d forgotten just how much sweat dripping in your eyes stings) inside the costume worth it. I was crying too, before you ask.

We also got to be extra creepy during one of the scryings, which was to investigate a cricket ball that had the soul of a small child (I think, I missed a lot of that plot last year) inside. I can imagine that having your eyes closed while 3 people whisper variations on “Mummy, are you there? I’m scared. Mummy, where are you? Mummy, they keep hitting me.” in your ears isn’t fun, but points to the players for somehow not cracking. It was a toss up between that and the specimen jar one, for which I was whispering “I just wanted a chance in life like you. All they do is slice me open and stitch me up again. I can still feel the scalpels…” I remain very glad I was on that end of the ceremony, as I’m all but certain I’d have cracked and fled screaming.

Note: There’s a lot of care taken at the event, with players inputting a list of their dislikes beforehand, and we crew do our best to stay away from them. Also, if you need to step away, you’re more than welcome to put the hand up and walk, no questions asked. Self care is important. The opening for my class stressed there would be coarse language and physical activity, with an overall message of ‘If you aren’t up for it, I don’t need a reason why.”

I don’t have a name for it, but it was $8 very well spent.

Before I’d realised, it was time for Phys Ed, my class, and in the words of one of Australia’s leading stuntmen, “I don’t have the brown underpants on for nothing!” Mercifully the weather had cleared up, and after an opening warning and the casting of a spell of my own devising, that being “Sobrietus, In Extremis”*, we were on! There was sorting them into teams, some meditation and testing how awakened their sense were, by blindfolding half, with the others hurling spell balls at them. It went surprisingly well, with some lovely dexterity on display. A 3-legged race brought out their competitive spirit, with spells being hurled back and forth. Frisbee dodgeball followed and Hot (Potato) Component finished up, with me giving the trophy to 2 players who’d both admitted to taking performance enhancing potions earlier that day. Whoops?

My voice was slightly shot and I was a nervous wreck, but it went really well, and I’m already plotting how to make next years bigger and better, with more audience participation and less illegal doping. Hopefully there’ll be more nicknames, with one player who’d been channelling Elle Woods (Complete with matching Phys Ed lycra – I hadn’t expected her to participate, let alone match outfits) known as Barbie, her more goth compatriot was Wednesday and the school’s resident sports nut, who’s name was Flash, became “Gordon’s Alive.” Hearing people laugh at that damn near made my event. That film is sacred in my house, to the extent there’s a good chance any use of the phrase “I love you” is answered with “But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!”

And it was over, and back to reality. Harrumph. I should sleep now, so I’ll keep you in anticipation for part 2 of the Festival of the Wand, where too much magic is barely enough!

*It was then pointed out the the punch at the dance was non-alcoholic. As it was fey brewed, I stand by my actions.