So, uhhh. Long-time no write? I’d like to claim that I’ve been doing something super-secret, but that’d be bullshit on par with the Abbot government’s climate policy. Mostly I’ve been writing games for conventions (My last one was Doctor Who based, the next involves Ewoks, but more on that later) and spending TOO MUCH GODDAMNED TIME at work. Moving along, it’s time to talk the thing that virtually everyone is talking about today. Be warned the prose may get a little purple.
Three words. Three simple words, by themselves perfectly innocuous, but when joined are more powerful than you can possibly imagine: “Chewie, we’re home.” And with that, my heart skipped a beat and both I and my inner child were weeping with joy.
Have your eyeballs exploded with joy and nostalgia? I know mine did.
I’ve been trying to describe my feelings for the trailer, but the best I’ve been able to come up with compared it to the awe and reverence I held for Elle McPherson when I was 14, a line that earned me a well deserved glare from my wife. I can’t properly put into words just how life-changing the original films were for me, but one of my earliest memories is of seeing Return of the Jedi at a neighbour’s house and I’m guessing it made one hell of an impression. I’m pretty sure I had little to no idea who these people were or what was going on, but from that day on the hum of a lightsaber was permanently seared into my eardrums and remains to this day. (At least, what little of my eardrums my niece, godson and love of heavy metal have left me.)
I could complain about the lack of Leia and the relative lack of female characters, (Which ties in somewhat with Hasbro’s pretty fucking terrible record concerning action figures of female characters), but given the encouraging statement from Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, that seems set to change. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. (There’s also no Lando, but we knew he wasn’t going to be appearing. He is getting his own comic series though.) True, we don’t know if the mysterious Sith, or the Chrome Trooper are female, but getting more than one female character is an encouraging sign. That’s pretty bloody depressing, now that I think about it.
As for the contents of the trailer, everything seems to be in a blur. Luke’s narration, pinched from Return of the Jedi, but referring to Vader with the line “My father has it.” Does that mean that Vader has returned? Parts of the internet seem to think so, with the glimpse of his melted helmet only intensifying that. (Surely Abrams has learned from the John Harrison fiasco to not pull that stunt again?) We saw the exchange of a very familiar lightsaber (I’m looking forward to the explanation of where it’s been all these years), a robot hand (presumably Luke’s) patting R2, the cute rolling droid (Which was a practical effect, not CG), the Millennium Falcon flying around the inside of a crashed (and upside down) Super Star Destroyer, X-Wings in formation, explosions, new stormtroopers (one in chrome with a cape!) and the mysterious Sith with the funky cross guard lightsaber ripping things up. And then that moment – Han and Chewie back in the Falcon, which I’m going to assume they haven’t owned for some time. Damn you Abrams for punching me right in the feels… Oh, I want that jacket that Han is wearing. NOW. Costumers, do your thing!
Compare that to the leaked trailer for Batman vs Superman. SPOILERS: It’s dark. Being filmed on a mobile phone doesn’t help it, but it’s not a great impression when all you can say is Affleck’s Bat-Voice isn’t as stupid as Christian Bale’s was. I’m pretty sure that Zack Snyder has missed the point of Superman, or is purposely trying to tank DC Comics movie division. The TV they’ve been making has been fantastic, but the non-Batman movies are well… less so. And whoever is in charge of the Suicide Squad movie – not hiring CCH Pounder to play Amanda Waller is a really stupid decision. Let me put it this way: The Flash is about to give us a sentient, telepathic gorilla, Arrow has given us the boxing glove arrow and yet we still can’t get a Wonder Woman movie made, though that film has lost and gained a director in the space of a week. True, Marvel aren’t much better in that department, but A: they have the advantage of having set up a shared universe earlier and B: the Marvel films, for all their flaws, are stupid amounts of fun. Still, so long as someone dubs over Jason Momoa’s Aquaman with Batman: The Brave and the Bold’s I’ll be happy.
I’ll leave you with the idea for my next con game: Black Ops Ewoks. Try and tell me you don’t want to play a meter tall cuddly murder machine. You can’t can you?