Some more brainstorming

First off, while I’m starting to get the hang of the new WordPress, the (lack of) speed that it runs on my tiny laptop makes it infuriating to use. About as infuriating as I’m finding Jedi: Fallen Order to be. It’s beautiful to walk around in, but the sheer number of jumping puzzles, instant death encouters and the distance between save points mean a simple hop, skip and a jump can take far longer than I’d hoped for.

Anyhow, to the point of this entry. Headgear has long been a bane of mine, having a large and odd shaped head. Helmets are a nightmare, I continue to be surprised there’s a fencing mask that will fit me and hats are a constant struggle. And then on the weekend, I saw this.

To say I was struck dumb in awe at such a thing is putting it mildly. True, there’s also this, or a gorgeous tricorn or this hat that seems to promise shade for three. But a purple leather cavalier hat is jsut *chef kiss* And here comes the issue, while I have the money, having sold a bunch of old Warhammer gear, I find myself angsting mightily about spending it. It’s been a long time since I felt like I could spend on this sort of thing, and I’ve more than a bit nervous about pulling the trigger. Well, it’s part cost and part “Where will I actually be able to wear this thing?” (Before you say anything, I’m all but certain my sister would murder me for wearing it to her wedding.)

It’s had me thinking again. Sure, the hat is suitable for Blackpowder and Bloodlines, assuming that runs again, but how many other games would be worthy of such a magnificent piece of headgear? And as such, my brain got to working about a Musketeers themed event. As with many of my ideas, this is brainstorming to keep the brain occupied and ticking over and not indication of an event on the way.

At the outset, it’d be very heavily inspired by the RPG’s Honor + Intrigue and All for One: Regime Diabolique, along with the NZ LARP Musketeers. Further ideas may well be mined or inspired by The Cardinals Blades series of novels and various of the cinematic adaptions of The Three Musketeers. I may pinch an idea or two from the Musketeers games I’ve run at cons, mostly the alternate universe parts. For those who didn’t play those games, I mean stuff like when anarchists tried to infect King Louis XIII with lycanthropy, or when the Duke of Buckingham, driven mad by his lust for the Queen, released a Kraken in the Seine river. You know, regular stuff torn directly from the history books.

What would I want out of this? A chance to dress up and swash my buckle of course! Something different from the usual Arthurian high fantasy LARP for another thing. to try to find a gap in the market, so to speak. Mostly, I want the chance to feel like I’m in a Musketeers film and the hope that the rest of the players and crew would feel the same. It’d likely be a weekender rather than a monthly game. As for kit, I’d want thrust safe swords if possible (It continues to delight me just how much of Italian rapier fencing can be boiled down to “Here is my sword point, kindly run onto it.”) and band or cap guns to represent firearms. As for costume, flamboyant hats and fancy cloaks are always a good start.

If you’ll excuse the purple prose, here’s a rough blurb of sorts:

The year is 1637 and Paris is a city in crisis. The nobility dance and make merry, gorging themselves while the peasantry toil and starve. The Kings Musketeers and the Cardinals Guards brawl in the streets, while underneath those streets is said to lurk a Court where miracles, of a sort, are performed and injuries vanish as quickly as an unguarded purse.

France’s enemies besiege her. Spain and England look enviously at French lands, and plot and scheme to conquer her. But those are far from the only threats. Rumours swirl of darksome cults conducting hideous rites, of fearsome beasts lurking in the sewers and of demons manifesting by the light of the full moon.

France is beset by darkness, but it is always darkest before the dawn. What she needs is heroes, men and women willing to risk their lives for love, honour and country.

All for one…


Look, it’s far from my best work. I’m struggling to get across the intended tone of the game, which is far more high action derring do than grim and gritty. But it’s late and I’m trying to get this to a stage where I can hit post and go to bed. I also have no idea what level of magic I’d use, whether NPC only, Hammer Horror style ceremonies for the PC’s to dramatically interrupt or formal wand and sword duels. I may do some further brain storming on this.

But now, to bed. Be seeing you.

Creativitity and crisis.

it’s funny how those two go together.

How am I? I’m still in the getting used to things phase with my new brain drugs. Getting into a new routine, is starting to come together. The brain is… fuzzy. I’ve noticed the sedative effect quite a bit, not so much on the knock me out level, but there’s been moments when they’ve kicked in and I’m slightly slurring my words and trying not to collapse. Crom only knows what a full strength dose will do to me. It’s been pointed out that my temper has been a bit more hair trigger than normal and while I’m not happy about that, I’m trying to take things in perspective. I’m hoping that’s part of the adjustment period and will smooth out soon.

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Things inside the head… aren’t great, despite what’s going on. Because yes, the petty issues still crop up, the minor frustrations still  irritate and the general malaise of 2020 weighs heavily on me. (My brain has an amazing knack for turning molehills into mountains.) But I keep on reminding myself that, despite all those things, there is good in my life that’s the result of my actions. That I can do good things, and that I am cared about and above all else, worthwhile. Some days that’s easier than others, but I keep trying. Yeah, there’s still things I’d like to change about myself – my no sugar diet has slipped more than a few times in recent months and not just binging on the no sugar added stuff. I’m not proud, but as I’ve said previously, I knew there would be slip ups along the way. Gotta keep trying.

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But there’s also the well, revelation is putting it a bit too high and mighty, that all this has a darker side. That spending all this time with my head in other places is nothing more than a distraction from reality. And yeah, I’ll own up to that good and quick. Look, reality and I, while we get along, we’re never going to be great friends. If looking out the window daydreaming was a sport, I’d be an Olympic champion at it. And the times when I’ve tried to, the brain hasn’t always enjoyed it. Because yes, reality isn’t always a great place to be, let alone in 20 fucking 20. But damnit, I’ll take all the joy I can get right now. I still have the odd thought about becoming a hermit in the woods, but that’s tempered by knowing how that would affect those I care for, and who care about me.


(I haven’t though of that song in well over 20 years till today.)

I’m in a creative spurt, feeling in a good enough place to want to GM a regular game again and by Crom that feels good. Praise from my sword instructors last session had me quipping ‘Woah, tonight’s been great for my ego’ and I’m not joking. I was knackered, but the good kind. I’m not sure how to put it, but rapier may be my weapon of choice, even over longsword. I always thought longsword would be the one, owing to having the most experience with it (and it being the closest thing to a lightsaber), but it seems there’s facets to me I’m still discovering.

It could be the fact that we’re training with steel, or the lovely people in the class or any number of things, but holding one just feels… right. The first sword fight I saw, well the first one that didn’t involve a lightsaber, was the Duel on the Cliffs (Yes, it gets capitals) in The Princess Bride and it may have made even larger an impression on young me than I thought. Plus, rapier allows me to swash my buckle, if you know what I mean, and I’m ALL FOR THAT.

It’s also got me thinking of the next Blackpowder and Bloodlines, assuming it returns (Please?). So, instead of an idiot noble big game hunter, I’ve been brainstorming a grizzled old soldier (Fuck it, the grey in my beard is natural and it’s time to embrace it) or former bodyguard who, in keeping with the theme of our group, has fled the royal court. Perhaps there was some indiscretion on his part, perhaps someone he failed to save, or shouldn’t have slept with (Oh Pax Europa, I hope you run again). Sure, I’d need a stab safe sword and dagger and while Calimacil’s rapiers are stab safe (To my knowledge,  unlike those from Epic Armoury) they’re also not cheap. There’s another bonus to this concept: IT’D BE CLOAK AND FANCY CAVALIER HAT TIME PEOPLE!

To switch topics, I’ve mentioned the Game of Rassilon podcast before, and I wish to sing it’s praises again. A recent episode had me damn near weeping with laughter, that being the live show from last Gallifrey One, Valentine of the Daleks. In place of their usual characters, there was the 2nd Doctor, and his companions, Ian Chesterton, Tegan Jovanka, Craig Owen and his son Alfie, aka Stormageddon, aka Warmageddon, aka the Oncoming Stormageddon. It’s a level of ridiculous that reminds me of my con games and it brings me so much joy.  My highlight from season 1 was Amelia Earheart using percussive maintenance on a small Hadron Collider, but having Stormageddon aged up to a teenager thanks to being near the Doctor regenerating (Albeit with the aid of a lot of story points) was damn close.

I know actual play podcasts aren’t everyone’s thing, but I urge you to give it a shot. (Also, it’s a lot shorter than Critical Role) Secondly, there’s a 2 part arc in the second season where the Doctor and her companions (Along with Staff Sergeant Puppers, a canine member of UNIT and a VERY GOOD BOY) face down a sort of sapient depression and well, it gave me ALL THE FEELS, as the kids say. It was rough to listen to, but handled wonderfully. Were it possible, I would hug them all, but as I can’t I thanked them on Twitter. We do what we can, and thanking people who’s work I love seems a good use for it.

To get serious for a bit, life isn’t easy, nor is admitting you need help. I know I’ve talked about this before, but if you’re going through something, then please, tell someone. Talking may feel like one of the hardest things you can do, but it is worth it. It took me a long time to admit that I had an issue, and longer to start taking steps to deal with it in a worthwhile fashion. Look, I have a lot of regrets. Several lifetimes of them all rattling around the head. But taking that step towards therapy is not one of them. Taking so long to is, but then I remember that I took that step and I don’t feel as bad.

Be seeing you…

Hush now – spoilers.

Not sure how to start this, so here goes. My week started with something wonderful, as I saw a kid pretending a stick was a lightsaber, and humming Duel of the Fates to boot. I managed to stop before grabbing a stick for myself and challenging him, as that would have been well, awkward and inappropriate. I was sorely tempted to congratulate him though. I also started my new meds on Friday.  The brain hasn’t been messed with too much yet, but I’m getting knocked about (metaphorically speaking) trying to wake up in the mornings. Nothing new there. I knew the pills would knock me out, at least that’s one of the side effects listed, but the adjustment period so far has been… interesting. I’m hoping things settle soon.

I bouted for the first time last week at rapier, and while I was far from great, according to the others I’m parrying really well. I just need to remember to attack as well. Mostly I was distracted by that half second of “Fuck me, that parry worked!” and only then does the brain remind me to shove my sword in my opponents face. My footwork also needs work, but I already knew that. Either way, something in my fencing is working well, and I’m really pleased with that. Showing improvement means a lot to me.

On to gaming news: one of the games I play in will be winding up, so I’m getting ready to pitch ideas to the rest of the group. It’s welcome that I’m in that frame of mind to try to run a regular game again, given the brain goblins about how my last couple of attempts have gone. It’s equally lovely that the rest of the group seem OK with me pitching, that they’re willing to have me as GM again. Means a lot.  I’m now back in the position of of ‘I have ideas, I have adventure seeds, but no fucking idea how to convert that into a campaign.’ At the very least, I have a better idea and more planning work done at this point than previously, so that’s something.

I’m also suffering through having two absolutely mind blowing game ideas that I need to keep my trap shut about. I’ve learned from past mistakes, in that in the old times I’d have spilled the beans and either not run them, or had massive demand and then botched them. Keeping in under my hat means I can work on it more, and it’ll hopefully be as good as I imagine it. As for the ideas themselves, one was my wife’s, and ones half mine, half hers I believe. She makes my games better and I can’t thank her enough for that. I’m sure I could set her up as an adventure coach if she wanted.

As for the game’s themselves, I’ll spare you the full scale pitch, but here’s the short versions.

Torchwood Sydney:
Aliens exists, and it’s your job to hunt them down. Some to capture, some to give a stern talking to. You may be wearing a trench coat or have a knack for posing moodily on a rooftop. The plan to run it is as more alien whackiness (The Corsair comes to town, and demands you take them out for drinks!), with the odd bit of alien horror. To put it this way, I’ve no plans to run Countrycide or Children of Earth.

Crimson Skies:
The year is 1937, America is broken apart into smaller nations and you’re part of the nation of Hollywood’s newest militia squadron. Dramatic derring do, swashbuckling in the skies, and you’re on a highway to the danger zone! (I still haven’t found a big band cover of that song, but I should probably watch the film) Also, Errol Flynn will cameo at some point.

The Troubleshooters:
1960’s espionage. It’s our world, but different. How so? Well, last year a joint French and Japanese operation sent a rocket to the moon. The PC’s would be a mix of people, from scoundrels, spies and who knows, who may be working for a mysterious ministry, or for mutual gain. During play, they stumble across a world shattering/conquering conspiracy that they have to thwart! In short, globe trotting action adventure that fits in a BBC studio or parts of England redressed to look foreign.

This will be the one that takes the longest to appear, as the rulebook was only Kickstarted this year and has been Covid delayed.

So, that’s what I’m working on. There’s a common thread, in that I want each of them to be fun. As I’ve stated previously, I like a large element of fun in my events, I don’t really do the grim and intense so much. You know, there’s reasons why I’m not running anything cyberpunk or post apocalyptic…

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Be seeing you…

Expelliamus Mr Bond? How quaint.

Yes, there’s important stuff to talk about, and I’ll get to some of that soon, but I need to talk about something else first. Look at this.

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Do you see it? It’s a fucking shoulder holster for a magic wand, do you not understand how damn cool that is? DO YOU? I haven’t wanted to play a wizard in a LARP so much since, well, ever. And yet the first image in my head wasn’t of a fantasy game, or Harry Potter. No, I first thought espionage. The Cold War, but with magic instead of nukes. Spell duels in darkened alleys, desperate escapes from shadowy forces, high stakes gambling and cocktails in fancy locations – less Potter, more Bond. I’ve been racking my brain to try to work out a setting I could use it in – the closest so far is Urban Arcana, a D20 Modern sourcebook.  The Rivers of London series did come to mind, but doesn’t quite has the feeling I’m going for.

I was reminded of an old idea about a Shadowrun parlour LARP about choosing a team, followed by several rounds of laser tag to simulate runs and that’s an idea I’d still like to do something with someday. My wife and a housemate floated the idea of a spaceship game, where you had to costume both yourself and the area behind you (To represent a starship bridge) and I’d be lying if I wasn’t trying immediately to brainstorm making a Klingon style bridge in my spare room. Enjoy overly macho overacting, me?

Anyhow, back to the holster. My wife giving me approval to buy one to wear at an upcoming wedding (And if my sister is reading this, no, I don’t mean yours) was the icing on the cake. I’m mostly holding off buying one right now as I have several brain doctor appointments upcoming and I’m hoping they make one that’s left hand draw. From looking at it, it seems like I could move the holster to the right side (I use a sword in my right, but write and shoot left handed), but I don’t know for certain yet.

So, to the important stuff. The Torchwood RPG idea I had kicking around has popped into my head again and I’m penning flavour text for it. I’ve also been writing and casting NPC’s for Crimson Skies, and finding that delightful. I’m on the few days between brain drugs right now, and am (slightly) frantically trying to distract myself from said brain right now. It’s entirely possible that’s the reason for this burst of activity, but I don’t care – it’s a burst and I’m trying to channel it into something useful for once. And look, if making the Torchwood team investigate a virtual gaming setup that makes them deal with Tom Baker’s Elf King from the 1st Dungeons and Dragons film is wrong, then I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT.

Look, we all know my brain can be, shall we say, overly enthusiastic at times, so distracting it from worrying about what my new brain pill could do to me, I reckon is a good thing. I can’t change it, so why devote time to worrying about it? After all, things are good – I’m back at sword and thanks to selling some old Warhammer books, have some cash to put towards kit. Life isn’t too bad, all things considered.

And yet, I’m still nervous. Because I don’t know when all this will end and can’t hope to, I’m trying to take it day by day. To look out for an end date is folly, up there with invading Russia in winter, or Palladium Books releasing a book on time. I dunno, I’m just having trouble seeing an end to this. And yet, I have to have hope that it will. Because without hope that things will get better, what is there?

Sleep beckons. Be seeing you…

Define ‘interesting?’

Had another brain doctor visit yesterday, and I’m now to be on a new anti-depressant. Hooray for me I guess? This means weaning myself off my current drug, taking a few days to clear it from my system and slowly starting up the new drug, as it’s a higher dose than my current one. This promises to be… interesting. I’m hoping things will work out OK, but I’ve got another doc appointment in a month to see how things are going.

For some reason I was reminded recently of a long held dream/nightmare – to perform Search and Destroy by the Stooges at a karaoke event. The closest I’ve come to doing so was at an engagement party a few years ago*, though I’m not sure if the sound system had the track in question. That was probably a blessing for the rest of the event, as the other people there seemed mostly filled nice, normal, God fearing folk who in no way deserved to be subjected to my atonal howling, let alone what I might possibly do when under the effect of that song. If you can listen to that song and not be moved…

As for what else, the left shoulder has mostly recovered from Sunday’s unexpected cricketing, but the right thigh is pretty sore from sword last night.  My lunges are slowly improving, though I’m still trying to nail my back foot to the floor during them. The legs are complaining about that activity as well. Walking today hasn’t been fun. It felt good though (Something I never thought I’d say), and not just the praise from my instructor and the other students. I’m a sucker for praise at the best of times (Positive affirmation is one hell of a drug) and I seem to be latching onto another source here.  It makes the struggle worthwhile. I enjoy the practice, but knowing I’m getting better means a hell of a lot.

I don’t really have anything else to write, actually yes I do! I recently discovered the Game of Rassilon podcast and I’m almost to the end of season 1. It’s an actual play of a group playing the Doctor Who RPG and it’s delightful. To set things up, an as-yet un-numbered incarnation of the Doctor is traveling through time and space with a late 90’s slacker and Amelia Earhart. Yes, the Amelia Earhart. To say more would spoil, and I learnt my lesson about that**! So yes, it’s well worth a listen and makes me want to run the game.  I suppose I can’t give a higher compliment to it can I?

Be seeing you…

* The night ended well though, with my lovely and talented wife performing Iron Maiden’s Run to the Hills for me.
** There were times when I was showing my wife Babylon 5 and I would get slightly over excited about upcoming events/episodes and accidentally spoil things. This went badly, about as badly as when she’d discover that I’d pinched romantic lines from it to use on her. Hey, it worked. I regret nothing! 🙂

Watch how I soar…

So what’s been up with me since last we spoke? Not much, but it’s been good.

I made it back to rapier on Tuesday night, and while my arms aren’t happy with me, my brain is. I never thought I’d say it, but I enjoy the exercise. I despise the idea of gyms, but exercise while actually doing something I’m ok with. Look, it’s good to have fitness goals, and I have some: to be better at swords, last longer in a mosh pit and to be able to keep beating Godson in arm wrestling for a while longer. And, to quote John Rogers, I need to live long enough to piss on a lot of graves.

Speaking of Rogers work, the first table read for the Leverage sequel series happened this week, and I’m not sure how to feel. I love the show and am more than happy to have the characters, well most of them, back but I don’t know how to feel. I mean, it’s 2020 and I keep expecting to have the rug pulled out from under me you know? I guess I’m just nervous that it won’t be as good as the original, and that Timothy Hutton’s absence will cast too long a shadow over things. Still, I’m taking the show’s return as good news and hanging onto that. (There’s also the hope that we’ll get a fresh source book for the RPG.)

Had my latest session with the brain doctor Wednesday and I seem to be making progress. I’ve been modifying my coping mechanisms an I think it’s starting to show results. She also mentioned the Serenity prayer at one point, and for a second all I could think of was Alan Tudyk…

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Yes, I’m extremely proud of that joke. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

The Crimson Skies brainstorming has continued. I don’t have an arc idea yet, but I have a vision in my head of someone with a cocktail in one hand and a gun in the other and Miss Phryne Fisher came to mind. Sure, there’s the obvious issues of that series being set around 15 years before the time period I’m writing in, but historical accuracy has always been more of a bug than a feature in my events, as those who’ve played my swashbucklers can attest to. An opening scenario is being bashed around as well. Mostly I’m trying not to overthink my approach to this, as well as my nerves about trying another campaign and running it online.

The brain does like sweating the small stuff, such as what planes will the PC’s start with, what should the squadron be named and what’s their colour scheme? You know, the small stuff that by rights most of which the players should be deciding. Not that I have any of them yet, though there’s been some interest. I should also start compiling all this into a Google Doc – I’ve been jotting down notes on the trip to and from work, but it’s time to start putting some order to things I’m going to take it any further.

Lastly, it’s been a long day but it ended well. The Stooges: Live at Goose Lake was released today. I made it in to Red Eye Records about 5 minutes before closing and got the last copy they had. It is, a wonderful thing and by that I mean it’s messy as all hell, but when everything clicks, it’s incredible.

Time for sleep. Be seeing you.

Expectations, revelations and… air piracy?

What’s been going on of late? Let me fill you in.

Unsurprisingly, Niece did not take to Babylon 5. According to her, the 1st ep was dull and while there were a couple of bits she liked in Parliament of Dreams, by her face she’d checked out halfway through. A friend on Twitter suggested I try In The Beginning, but that’s both A: full of spoilers and B: I’m not sure she’d manage that right now. With some fairly heavy pancake based bribery I might be able to get another episode or two past her (I’m hoping that will be Signs and Portents), but it won’t be for a while.

To make it worse, I arrived home late on the Friday night, having made my first accidental trip to Woy Woy in about 20 years and walked in on her steadfastly refusing to watch Muppet Treasure Island, as in her words ‘puppets aren’t funny.’ Look, she’s 12, and admitting you’re wrong at that age isn’t easy. She’d convinced herself that she wouldn’t enjoy B5 and she didn’t. But not liking the Muppets? It’s like being a heavy metal fan and not liking Maiden. Or, to put it another way, INCONCEIVABLE!

Going back to B5, watching the early eps again reminded me of the vast amounts of world building in the show, and also of how much I want a cape like G’Kar’s. There’s parts of that show’s wardrobe I’ve long wanted – I’m still tempted to put a tax return into getting the lapels taken off a jacket to look like Sheridan’s S5 wardrobe or a replica of Marcus’s Ranger outfit. Again with the swashbuckling. Cape wise, I’ve wanted one for a long, long time, something like this or maybe one of these. I’ve put them off, by dint of not being in stock, not in Australia or not having events to wear them at. Thanks Covid 19! A friend suggested buying one as a belated birthday present and having just made some extra cash from selling an old Warhammer 40K book, I may well take the plunge. I do enjoy swashing my buckle, if you know what I mean…

Rapier will hopefully be starting again soon on Tuesday nights and while the plan for Saturday class has changed, I’m still hoping to make it back there as well. Before the break, the plan for term 4 in Saturday class was sword and shield followed by sword and buckler and I’m a bit sad to miss that. Maybe next year.

Switching topics, for nostalgia’s sake I fired up Crimson Skies: High Road to Revenge on the Xbox last night for a couple of hours and gods, I love that game. I’d also finally realized that the voice of the main character is Timothy ‘Lassie from Psych‘ Omundson. I loved the clicky game from the early 2000’s (I still have a bunch of planes for it) and the PC game which I own but don’t have a system that can run. GOG.com, hurry up please? It reminded me of how much I dig the world, both the more slightly more grounded clicky and PC versions and the batshit nuts mecha zeppelins with lightning guns of the Xbox game.

It also reminded me of how much I’d love to play in the universe in RPG terms and while there was a board game version, there’s not been an official RPG. Savage Worlds seems a natural fit, which has the added benefit of me not having to learn a new system. Possibly Spirit of the Century or Atomic Robo, or do I go all out and write a convention freeform? I do enjoy dressing up for that sort of thing… There’s no shortage of anti-heroes and out and out villains, swashbuckling, zeppelins and pulp whackiness. As that feeling started to wave over me, filled with promise and ideas I smacked myself upside the head and reminded myself that I already have a game to write, one that has a deadline. There’s been progress on that, but also a lot of fiddling and research. I’m getting closer to when my head starts to work and the words really start to flow, thankfully.

Still, there’s been a revelation, that should not be a surprise to those who know me.
Ideas, I have them. Out the waazoo. Constantly. My brain and Google Drive is stuffed with ideas and part written concepts.
The drive to actually have them completed? That’s not so much there.
And that’s been the way, for as long as I can remember. Other people harassing me to get stuff done sometimes works, but can lead to resentment. Deadlines help, in some cases. But generally panic. there’s times when things will click and start to work, but it’s the matter of trying to get stuff down on the page that can be a struggle.

The second not a revelation is thus: I can love a setting to bits, but there’s no point in running something in it unless I have an idea for what to do within it. My short lived Conan LARP fell over cause I’m very possessive over the setting, as we’ve previously discussed. I need an idea for it, otherwise it’s just me going “I love this thing, why don’t you love it as much as I do” but without demonstrating why it’s actually fun. That’s been a failing of mine for a long time and while I’m sure I’ll fall victim to it again, at least if I recognize it I can try to guard against it.

More to follow. Be seeing you…

*smouldering glance across a crowded room*

So, Pride and Prejudice is done, I have watched all 6 episodes.

Thoughts follow:
Every time Julia Sawalha was on screen, I kept hoping they’d sneak in Dexter Fletcher somewhere in the background.
I kinda want a spin off of Mr Bennett giving no fucks for any stupidity, in the same way I want one for Foggy and Stick from Daredevil.
Colin Firth has a damn good line in brooding. There were points where I wondering if he was being paid by brood rather than by line. He’s not exactly my type, but I can certainly understand why he’d inspire such a dedicated following.
I am very much looking forward to viewing Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, if only to see the fight between Elizabeth and Lady Catherine my wife let slip happens near the end. Lordy, the verbal smack the lady in that scene delivered deserved to be met with a glove slap and words of challenge.
My wife continues to be amused at how much I was heckling the screen at various points. Ordinarily I’m one of those “You talk during a show, you can die alone” kind of people, but I couldn’t help myself getting caught up in it. It also helps that I’m fairly certain my wife can recite it from memory, so I wasn’t interrupting things. And now, my soon to be brother in law (Who hasn’t seen it yet) has no excuse!

In other news, I have my first brain doctor appointment in a couple of months on Wednesday, and by Crom, I’ll have some stuff to talk about. Some good, some bad and some ugly. You know, the usual. The brain has been up and down, but I’m trying to keep it together. I was amused to find that my wife is the only one of the 4 of us in the house that isn’t going to the same psychologist’s practice. I’m in agreement with a housemate that she should go for a few sessions, if only to go “Augh, those fuckers I live with!”*

Operation: Indoctrinate Niece Further into Geekdom (I should have had something that makes an acronym really) is progressing well.
ME: Do you know the price for your next visit?
HER: *sighs* Babylon 5…
I’ve told her it’s OK if she doesn’t like it. It’s not that OK, but it’s OK. I also may have joked last time we saw her that when next we meet it’ll be the dawn of the third age of mankind…  The stories of her D&D campaign continue to be inspiring, notably in her enthusiasm and love for the game, and I’m told her dice collection is growing at great speed. I’m very, very proud.

The plan, as much as I have one, is to show her the first episode (Midnight on the Firing Line) then skip straight to The Parliament of Dreams. Because, while they have their moments, Soul Hunter and Born to the Purple aren’t exactly blockbusters and can be skipped for the moment. If things go well, we can easily go back to them. As for Infection, it’s less bad than I remember, but still not exactly great. Parliament, on the other hand, is where we first meet Lennier and Na’Toth, and it gives up this wonderful moment:

I’ve had that song stuck in my head the better part of the last few weeks, so if I can spread it further I’ll be amused.  Plus, there’s also this just as wonderful moment:

I’m not expecting her to like it, but I can hope, right? I’m also hoping to find time to introduce her properly to the Muppets, likely with Treasure Island. It’s that or show her highlight clips on YouTube, from Miss Piggy’s Karate chops to Waldorf and Statler heckling. Gods, I adore those two.

That’s enough for tonight. I shall return soon, where if you’re unlucky, I’ll tell you about the characters I’m playing in my current RPG sessions

Be seeing you…

*Whether she means the humans or possums she shares a house with is still unclear.

*sigh*

My phone’s battery is draining faster than normal, there’s a small crack in the screen in one corner and it needs a new case. That’s also how I feel at the moment. Tired, easily drained and battered. I dented my head on the flap of a cardboard box this afternoon, something I’d been paranoid about doing for basically all my time at my current workplace. Less about denting my head, but more about taking out an eye. For context, the dent is above my right eyebrow so close, but no cybernetic eye required. On that note, it’s 2020 – where are my easily available cybernetics? R TALSORIAN GAMES, YOU LIED TO ME!

Cyberpunk-Art-2-1024x695

Stupid bag of flesh I cart around. There’s been random aches, almost as if every day a different part of me has chosen to go wrong. Not to break, but irritate. The flesh is weak. Not to mention what I think is a massive mouth ulcer somewhere near the back of my top jaw. I can’t find a specific spot to numb it, which likely means the cure involves either less stress or a lot of Vegemite toast. Things haven’t been great brain wise the last few days on top of that, and I’m just aching for the week to be over.

There’s been bright spots mind you. Hearing that Godson, Aged 2 and a Half saw Keanu Reeves on the telly and went “Uncle Gavin?” was delightful. I don’t see the resemblance, but I’m flattered all the same. Secondly, my anniversary gift for my wife arrived late last week, and I’m still floored by the result. All praise to Leigh of Pen and Inkcap (Who also took the photo below) for her gorgeous work! I’m already contemplating commissioning further work from her, both involving Londo Mollari dialogue*. Surprise, surprise I know.

Screenshot_2020-06-25 Pen and Inkcap ( pen_and_inkcap) • Instagram photos and videos

Mind you, that also brought about the horrific discovery that Niece, Age 12 hasn’t seen the Muppets and THIS WILL NOT STAND, SO LONG AS THERE IS BREATH IN MY BODY. Alas I didn’t get time to show her Muppet Bohemian Rhapsody but soon. I also continue take great delight in the stories of her D&D campaign, even if they do occasionally make me feel inadequate as a GM. She’s running 5-6 players, everyone with 2 characters and doing stuff like writing epic songs for slain PC’s. Geez kiddo, leave some awesome for the rest of us OK?

I’m also hatching plans with my wife to introduce her to Babylon 5. I think the introduction will be tricky (We don’t get much time with her, the show’s from the mid 90’s and likely very slow for a modern 12 year old), but I think she’ll dig the epic scope of things. What I want for most, even more than her liking the show, is the chance to see it afresh through her eyes. To see her reactions to events, without expectations or spoilers. What does she think of Londo and G’Kar? How will she react to the first sight of a Shadow vessel? Will she squee mightily at Sheridan and Delenn’s romance? I DON’T KNOW. But I really hope I get the chance to find out. If I see her this weekend I’ll try to sound her out about it.

Sleep soon, hopefully. My next brain doctor appointment is in a couple of weeks, and by Crom will I have some things to talk about. It’s good to talk. With what she’s taught me I’m working through my junk better, or at least not being hammered into the ground for quite as long, but I always look forward for the chance to talk with her. Therapy is good, and I recommend it to all, even if you think you don’t need it.

I want Covid to be over, to see other people in person, and at the same time to be alone. I’m reminded of a gag I saw about how quarantine must be great for introverts and how it’s not, cause there’s all these people in my house and they won’t leave. I love my wife dearly, adore my housemates, but I miss having the house to myself. Not for too long, as that does other things to my head, but I miss it.

Be seeing you…

PS: No, we aren’t any further in Pride and Prejudice. Just in case you were wondering.

* I’m torn between “This is like being nibbled to death, by cats!” or “But in purple, I’m stunning!

Triggers, and how to deal with them?

“Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”
HL Mencken

As quotes go, that’s one that’s stuck with me for a long time*. Sounds kinda badass doesn’t it? It’s been back in the head the last couple of days. I get that based on that I don’t sound too well, but I’m doing better than my last update. The brain is more high than low, even with today’s “Oh hey, that event you were going to pre-Covid would have started today” reminder. As useful a tool as Facebook can be, sometimes I really want to punch it.

I’m also prepping a playlist for my house’s Christmas party, which is to be apocalypse themed. Yes, it’s bold to assume we’ll be able to host one, and not in the greatest of taste, but we were preparing for it pre-Covid and we’re going through with it! My theming, at the time of writing, is pick your own apocalypse. Was it Biblical, did the robots rise up or kaiju emerge from beneath the waves? Have the Daleks invaded, was the bomb dropped, or were the Stars just Right?  It’s far from complete, and needs more Ragnarok for one thing, but it’s been keeping my brain occupied and that’s been welcome.

Anyhow, I’ve been musing and yes, there is a point to this. I have a few triggers. Make that a lot of triggers. Most of these are inconsequential, such as things reminding me of a song, or a TV show. The board game Operation reminds me of Tripod’s The Hot Dog Man**, while the Phantom of the Opera takes me back to a Wharf Revue skit. Normal stuff, at least relatively normal. But as we’ve seen with recent posts, some of those triggers are more potent than others. The things that will take me from a good day to a miserable one in seconds. The things that shatter my self esteem or leave me near burning with rage.

How I deal with them has been an evolving process. I have a long history of trying to ignore them, or distracting myself with something else unhelpful and thus feeling worse later. If crushing my resentments so deep down they become a tiny diamond was a sport I’d be Olympic level. This had me musing about my snapping point. What could it take for me to break? What’ll be my one bad day, the event that’ll make me go full Howard Beale or William Foster? Do I even have one? Probably not, let’s be honest. I’m not a confrontational man by nature, far more comfortable out of the limelight. I’ve a long list of “20 minutes after” lines, things I wish I’d said stacked away in the back of my brain, from missed opportunities, good jokes, or in one case, possibly crossing swords in the parking lot***.

As I’ve said, I’m not a violent man. I’ve had people jokingly bet about the body count when/if I snap, but the older I get the less funny I find that. There’s been times in the last few years when I’ve come closer to giving in to the impulse and lashing out, mostly verbally. Thankfully, things have gotten in the way, sometimes fear or politeness, or just having nothing to say at the time. There’s plenty of internet flame wars I’ve been tempted to join, but the realization that nothing I add to this will help generally holds me back, no matter how eloquent or impassioned my words may be. Whether it’s joining in on a torches and pitchforks mob, or sticking my nose into a heated discussion, I know that staying out, not inflaming things, is the smarter thing to do. But damn, there’s times when I want to roll in, keyboard blazing and vent my rage upon the irritant with righteous fury. Usually I swallow that and go clean the kitchen. Other times it’s gardening, or murdering racists in Red Dead Redemption 2. I’m sure there’s healthier coping mechanisms, but these work for me.

Whatever the task, I find I need that sense of accomplishment to distract myself, to turn to the closest person nearby and say “I did a thing, please notice this!” I told that to my therapist and she responded that her husband does the same thing. It’s always nice to know you aren’t the only one who does something. I’m debating whether or not to move up my next appointment, but for the moment I’m hanging on. I’ll certainly have something to talk about, that’s for certain.

As always, thank you for continuing to read these. It means a hell of a lot to know I’m not just screaming into the void. I didn’t start these to help people, but if just one person knows they aren’t alone, it’s been worth it. Take care of yourselves, and each other. It’s gonna get worse before it gets better, so please, look out for others. Kindness is punk as fuck.

Be seeing you.

* Don’t judge me. The line “I struggle to understand people who say they’d kill for a religion, but then I remember if Optimus Prime asked me to kill someone they’re a dead man” has been stuck in there for longer.
** “OPERATION? GET FUCKED!
*** The line I wanted to use was “I’d prefer to settle this peacefully and without any bitterness but if you have an alternative method you prefer, such as crossing swords in the parking lot, then I accept the challenge.” I’d still like to use the line someday.