I bloody love Black Sabbath

Yeah, I’d like to be able to say something profound or mind altering, something that would help heal the sick, help the poor and win the war on terror, but sometimes all you can do is express your love for a band. (Actually, that’s something I do frequently, but that’s beside the point) I recently re-purchased their first album and listening to it again reminded of just how damn good this band is. (Yes, I consider it the first metal album – Purple and Zeppelin come close, but none are more black than Sabbath) It’s hard for me to imagine how much of an impact that thing must have made when it first appeared all those years ago. I first heard it many years back (On vinyl no less!) and it scared the heck out of me. I thought myself familiar with all things metallic (Being young and ignorant), but that thing genuinely unnerved me, in a way I’d not felt since I saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit.*

I could talk for hours about the guitar work of Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler (Bass) and Bill Ward (Drums) are one of the greatest rhythm sections ever to take the stage and there’s Ozzy. By all rights, a voice like that should work, especially not not compared to the metal singers to follow him. For someone who helped birth a genre, he sure doesn’t sound like those who came after. It’s a voice like no other, thin and kinda whiny, nothing like the leather lunged screamers like Rob Halford or Bruce Dickinson or the more guttural technique of Tom Araya or Chuck Billy.

I’m not a musician, so I can’t discuss musical technique or theory. Yeah, Iommi strings his guitars differently after his accident (That cost him several fingertips on his fret hand) but I’m stuffed if I can work out how it makes his playing different. I don’t know how to explain what they do, but what I do know is this: IT’S FUCKING AWESOME. I’m sure you’ve heard Iron Man thanks to it’s inclusion in the MCU,but there’s more, far more to them. There’s the rumble of bass that opens Children of the Grave, the 7 minutes of DOOM that is War Pigs, the solo in Wheels of Confusion or the opening of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, a guitar riff that can LEVEL CITIES. Don’t believe me? Listen and BE PROVED WRONG. Just reinforce your house first.

I didn’t see them when they toured on the 13 album a couple of years back, lack of funds and the public slanging match between Osbourne and Ward put me off. I did however get to see the lineup led by Ronnie James Dio (Who joined after Osbourne was fired) in 2007 and it was one of the greatest nights of my life, even with the idiot a few rows over who spent the whole show screaming for Paranoid. You’re up in the nose bleeds of the Entertainment Center – do you really think the band are going to hear you? The best part was when someone finally explained the band would only play Dio era material and he started yelling for Holy Diver. *sigh*

I guess my final words (For know) are this. Ignore the mud slinging and public wars of words, the reality TV show and every word that Sharon Osbourne ever says. Just listen to the music. It’s more than worth your time and the damage to your hearing.

*It’s been at least 25 years and I still refuse to watch that film again. I am unashamed of that fact.

Musings

There are many things that annoy me.

Some have said too many things, and I’d agree with that. I also agree with the people who think I should see someone about this, to try to identify the cause and maybe help me mellow a little. But, no matter what I do, I can’t help having to restrain myself from a ‘Malcolm Tucker meets the Hulk’ level of grand fury (Also a great album by The Bellrays) upon seeing a badly stacked dishwasher full of un-rinsed dishes. We all have our irrational hatreds…

In other thoughts, a question that’s been plaguing me of late: ‘How is Mark Gatiss’s work on Sherlock so good, and yet his Doctor Who’s are so average?’ Yes, I’m one of the few that are on record as enjoying Victory of the Daleks and Dame Diana Rigg’s scenery chewing in The Crimson Horror was a delight, but that’s balanced by the relative blandness of The Idiot’s Lantern and Robot of Sherwood. No, I don’t think Robot was as bad as some say (It’s no Fear Her or The Time Monster), but I’d put money on it working better for Matt Smith’s Doctor. I’ve really enjoyed Capaldi’s Doctor, even when the stories haven’t been as good. I won’t go into spoiler territory (As my wife will read this and she’s not caught up yet), but I think this year has gone really well, despite an un-named recurring monster still not getting very much to do despite great hope.

There’s also the whole ‘everyone has heard of the Doctor and seems to worships him’ aspect, which has mercifully been cut back of late. I don’t know exactly why it irritates me, but it does. That may be due to my increasing hostility (To further escalate the hyperbole) to the Tenth Doctor, or I’m just a cranky old git. It’s a combination of Russell T Davies not being able to write a season ender if his life depended on it (See Last of the Time Lords or Journey’s End) and the way that Tennant’s Doctor was being written (Tooth and Claw and The Shakespeare Code come to mind first). People have died, many of them messily and horribly, and you’re joking about getting the Queen to say ‘We are not amused’? Fuck you. Another script run through might have picked that up a bit – it also could have made Nightmare in Silver a bit less shit (It was well acted for the most part, but I hated those two children).

I guess I just prefer the ‘mysterious stranger arrives and horrible stuff happens’ approach to the show, cause there’s more, well, mystery. (Yes, very fucking profound) It’s the era I grew up with (I have a weird mishmash of the 7^th and 4^th Doctor themes in my head and can still remember my first cliff-hanger – Ep 1 of The Deadly Assassin) and that I identify most with. Mind you, as my wife pointed out, with her wonderful knack for irritating logic, the former is a natural consequence of the latter, so yes. (I still have hope that someday I’ll win one of those arguments, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

I still remember the feeling of ‘what the hell is this?’ when I saw that moment…

Lastly, I’ve been contemplating joining another LARP and the system has all but guaranteed I’m going to play Rogues and nothing but Rogues. Why? Because the damage system requires the player to call “Sneak Attack” before striking and being a long-time fan of the webcomic The Order of the Stick, that’s an opportunity I can’t pass up. Ah, so you’re distracted by reading this are you? SNEAK ATTACK!

You Rebel scum…

So yeah, it’s been a while… *cough*

It’s been an amazing week for nostalgia, with the re-release of classic space combat games X-Wing and TIE Fighter. My response to this has ranged from an initial scream of HOLY ZARQUON SINGING FISH to having to restrain myself from squealing with joy (Hey, I was at work) to walking round with a grin on my face so wide that it threatened to snap my face in half. And this is in the same week that Captain Marvel and Black Panther movies got announced, so it’s not like I’m short of geekgasm.

That’s basically how I looked when I first saw the press release.

Those games are a massive part of my adolesence, since it’s not like I was doing things like partying, drinking or spending time with the fairer sex. Ahem… X-Wing let me live out a childhood dream of taking part in the attack of the first Death Star, which I then never managed to complete owing to it being ludicrously difficult. TIE Fighter, on the other hand, was where I took my first steps on the dark path and found that playing the bad guys can be incredibly fun. (See the TV show Leverage for more of that) It also had several features that X-Wing lacked, such as backing up your scores if you got killed, being able to match speed with your target and the TIE Defender, the most broken Starfighter EVER. You also got a second campaign, where if you talked a with a mysterious Cloaked Figure, and completed a bunch of hidden objectives, you got an awesome tattoo slowly branded on your arm by FORCE LIGHTNING, a tattoo that I’m unashamed to admit I wanted badly when I was 14, and still do a little at 34.

See – told you it was awesome.

Just flying a TIE Fighter itself was amazing – the sound of the things is practically engraved on my eardrums. Hell, the only reason I’m writing this and not playing the games is my lack of a joystick, something I intend to rectify over the weekend. Then I’ll be 14 again, it’ll be back to my youth, or at least the bits of it I actually like remembering. Now, if they can also re-release X-Wing vs TIE Fighter and X-Wing Alliance, then I may be so happy the universe will shatter.

PS: I still want one of the Imperial Officer uniform caps, despite the fact I’m sure I’d look ludicrous in it. But I did once buy a pair of WW2 flying goggles solely to wear to a Crimson Skies Clix tourney, so I have some history in that department.

The Babylon Project: Part 1

It was the dawn of the third age of mankind, ten years after the Earth/Minbari war. The Babylon Project was a dream given form. Its goal: to prevent another war by creating a place where humans and aliens could work out their differences peacefully. It’s a port of call, home away from home for diplomats, hustlers, entrepreneurs, and wanderers. Humans and aliens wrapped in two million, five hundred thousand tons of spinning metal, all alone in the night. It can be a dangerous place, but it’s our last best hope for peace. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2258. The name of the place is Babylon 5.

Ahem. As a large component of this blog is me yelling at you about things I love (Or it would be if I posted more often), I’m going to take you through one of my favourite shows, Babylon 5. I’ll try to avoid spoilers where I can and I’m also not going to touch on the whole ‘Which came first?’ issue with B5 and Star Trek: Deep Space 9. Suffice to say that issue has kept internet message boards flaming for years, with the two fandoms openly hostile, something that helped prompt Majel Barrett Roddenberry (Widow of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry) to appear during season 3, as a gesture of goodwill to calm things. More about that later…

Beautiful ain’t it?

The show was planned around a 5 year arc, unlike much episodic TV at the time. There’s no end of episode reset button either – events carry on, relationships mend and fracture and plot points from early episodes can and do come back. Yes, this means you have to watch it all, just in-case you miss an obscure bit of plot. It also has an impressive knack for quality, even if the A plot of the episode is a bit weak, the B plot will make up for it. This also got us genuine character development – look at the evolution of Londo and G’Kar over the 5 seasons and the changes are astounding. Oh, and in another important distinction from Star Trek, humanity are still frequently a bunch of dicks. There’s none of the utopian society hippie nonsense from the 60’s, just humanity – flawed and emotional, as capable courage, compassion and acting like total *bleeps* in equal measure. All that and the station has toilets and the uniforms have pockets!

The main cast of season 1

I was introduced to the show around the time season 5 began airing, which left me with a lot of questions, not all of which could be answered without spoilers. It took a few episodes, but I was soon hooked. I also have the show to blame for my love of the mandarin collar and for almost any foreign accent I do to turn into Londo Mollari within about 30 seconds. (My wife thinks it’s a great impression by the way) It’s near unique in that its creator J. Michael Straczynski (AKA JMS or the Great Maker if you’re being formal) wrote 92 out of the shows 110 episodes –including all of seasons 3-5, bar 1 episode and that was written by some guy named Neil Gaiman. (Fun Fact: He got an an alien race in the show named after him!) It also had ships that obeyed the rules of physics in space (And the Starfury is a beautiful thing), the first large scale use of CG in televison and a wonderful knack for episode titles – Parliament of Dreams, And the Sky Full of Stars, The Geometry of Shadows and Ceremonies of Light and Dark to mention but a few.

The Star Fury – almost as cool as the X-Wing and scientifically accurate to boot!

The titular station is the fifth of the Babylon stations, intended as a diplomatic outpost in the wake of the Earth-Minbari war, which started thanks to the mother of all diplomatic SNAFU’s and ended in mystery, with the Minbari surrendering on the verge of victory. Why? That would be telling… As for the station’s name, that’s simple – it’s the fifth of the Babylon stations. The first 3 stations were destroyed by sabotage and the fourth, well that’s an interesting story…

In true SF tradition, each of the races has a distinguishing feature – the Narns are lizards, the Minbari have bones coming out of the backs of their heads and the Centauri have some of the most awesome hair ever seen. One of the things that JMS was striving to avoid was the rubber forehead look so common to TV aliens and for the most part he succeeded. Perhaps the greatest example of thing was Vorlon ambassador Kosh, who resided in a sealed encounter suit and spent his time being mysterious.

The Jukebox. (Kids, ask your parents)

So, I’m giving you a brief look at big episodes season by season. We’ll try to avoid spoilers, but some minor ones may slip past, more so as we move into the later seasons. It’s an average first season, containing more than a few of the standard SF tropes (Alien martial arts tournament, rubber suit monster etc), but those episodes are saved by either the B plot (As previously discussed) or by dropping hints at future events. Yeah, the CG is dated, but this was done 20 years ago on a tiny budget (Rumor has it roughly the half of an episode of Star Trek, but what shines are the story and character, something it shares with classic Doctor Who. And there was a rumour that JMS wanted to hire Tom Baker to appear in his Doctor Who costume in the background of an episode…

I’m bypassing the pilot movie, (The Gathering), mainly because I don’t own it. Instead, we kick off with the first episode aired, MIDNIGHT ON THE FIRING LINE:

Well, it’s a pilot, and as pilots go it’s not bad. We meet our main cast (Well, most of them), get a fair whack of exposition (The Narn and Centauri hate each other while the Vorlons take cryptic to new levels) and the scene is set for the show. I’ve seen better pilots and I’ve seen worse. Still, the payoff for the running gag about Garabaldi’s (second) favourite thing in the universe is magnificent.

MIND WAR:

Wait, is that Mr Chekov dressed in black? Why yes, that is Walter Koenig and he’s fantastic. We know human telepaths exist (As they do in several of the others races), but it’s our first look at their governing body, the Psi Corp and well, they dress in facist black. What were you expecting, pastels?

SIGNS AND PORTENTS:

The episode that gave the season it’s title, the first time we meet Mr Morden and the first major revelation of what was to come. And it all starts with a simple question, just 4 little words: “What do you want?”

A VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS PARTS 1 AND 2:

Londo Mollari reciting the Hokey Pokey. There’s a hell of a lot that goes on in the two-parter, with some great revelations and future events hinted at, but really, what more do you need?

BABYLON SQUARED:

One of the great mysteries of the show is answered (Well, sort of…) and more questions are asked, which is what happens when you involve time travel. We also meet Zathras and to hive any hints as t what I’m talking about would be criminal.

CHRYSALIS:

The first season finale, in which a conspiracy is unearthed, Ambassador Delenn embarks on an alternative lifestyle and a whole lot of stuff happens. There is happiness and doom in equal measure and a dark cloud on the horizon, with none of that ‘everything wrapped up nicely’ BS, cause that’s not what this show is about.

And so we come to the end of season 1. Uneven and in some places down right terrible (TKO, I’m looking at you) in places, but worthy of praise, it did it’s job of introducing characters and hinting at things to come pretty well. What really makes it was when you’d seen the entire show and realised just how much of the ground was laid during season 1.

So, what does Ambassador Kosh actually look like? What the hell happened to Delenn? What is this mysterious new enemy? Some of these questions may be answered soon, when we look at season 2, The Coming of Shadows…

WHO’S USELESS NOW?

We’re a bit short this week, as I’ve been busy being gainfully employed. Naturally, this has curtailed the amount of time I can spend writing for you, but A: they pay me and B: I have an ID photo that’s not too bad, which is a nice change for me, given that my driver’s license makes me look like I’m about to commit an act of jihad. (ASIO, I’m joking. Please don’t break down my door)

Anyhow, we’re here to talk about one particular item of news. You might say there’s been a deluge on this subject, possibly a flood or maybe a drenching. Certainly a shower, or maybe an oversaturation. Calling it a tsumani is more than a bit tacky, but it’s certainly more than a drizzle.

What could have produced such an ocean of watery attempts at humour? Well, it’s finally been confirmed that Jason Momoa is playing Aquaman in Batman vs Superman. As you remember, it was rumoured a few months back, but no-one had the decency to actually confirm anything until now. As far as I’m concerned, this is a really good thing – Momoa’s a fine actor who has the physicality to pull it off. That and given his early stint on Baywatch Hawaii, he’s used to wandering around wearing little, which I’m confident will be part of the marketing. (Look at what Marvel did with Thor for starters…)

My biggest worry is that Snyder will GRIMDARK it up, also my biggest complaint about Man of Steel – Superman walking the Earth to find himself was an interesting interpretation, but the orgy of destruction that was the end of the film just didn’t seem right to me. That’s not what I go to see a Superman film for – he’s the guy you look at and think ‘If only more people were like him’, rather than the guy who broke Metropolis. I guess I like seeing heroes who are enjoying themselves, like Chris Evan’s Johnny Storm in the otherwise forgettable Fantastic Four films. That might be my love of Batman: The Brave and the Bold talking, but that show’s Aquaman was amazing. If it’s wrong to want a hero who thinks everything is OUTRAGEOUS, who calls people ‘old chum’ and bursts into song from time to time then I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT.

How can you not love that?

That wasn’t the first piece of news though – earlier in the week Zack Snyder was on his way to work and heard two radio DJ’s making fun of Aquaman, so he proceeded to call in to defend him. (It’s worth noting this is pre-announcement, give the ‘Not to say he’s in my movie’ denial) So, Zack Snyder, you had my curiosity, now you have my attention. By way of apology, I take back two of the horrible things I said about Man of Steel!

To top it all off, there’s word that Warners is working on not one but two scripts for an Aquaman solo feature. Apparently, this is to ensure the best quality script while ensuring it meets deadlines, but to me it’s a shitty thing to do to a writer. I get you want to get a movie into production, but making writers compete in some sort of script writing Thunderdome doesn’t guarantee you a better film, just more stress and one guy pissed off his script wasn’t chosen.

Look, I’ve made my fair sure of jokes in the past, when I probably shouldn’t have. As my wife pointed out, Namor doesn’t get jokes made about him, but who outside of comic’s fans has heard of Namor? I guess all I can hope for is the movie takes a character best known for being a joke and make him awesome again, the way he should be. And failing that, I’d be happy with footage of Jason Momoa singing the ‘Rousing Song of Heroism,’ if that’s not too much to ask?

I’ll be singing that for the next week. Pity my housemates.

GABBA GABBA HEY!

Some have asked after reading my recent piece on the Ramones for more on just why this band means so much to me. Well, be careful what you wish for.

Firstly, I stand by my original recommendation, which is go out, buy the first 4 albums (Ramones, Leave Home, Rocket to Russia, Road to Ruin) and It’s Alive, then take them home and listen to them, preferably at a police attracting volume. But, since you require more than that before committing your hard earned monies (Sensible in this day and age), then HEY! HO! LET’S GO!

To begin, consider the opening lyrics to Rockaway Beach, from the album Rocket to Russia:

Chewing out a rhythm on my bubblegum.

The sun is out and I want some.

It’s not hard, not far to reach,

We can hitch a ride to Rockaway Beach.

What, you mean you aren’t already sold? Tough crowd you are…

Let’s look at the music then. It’s simple 3 chord rock, with little more than guitars, bass, drums and vocals, played at a speed that may sound tame today, in an era that contains Slayer, but in the mid 70’s was faster than light. Why is this so special? Consider the state of ‘popular’ music. Pro Tools, Auto Tune, an ocean of manufactured pop acts and bands that only exist in the studio (You want to call yourself a musician, you play live) and all those goddamned TV talent shows, stuffed full of people singing the same shitty pop songs and deluded into the belief that they’ll be ‘stars’ for longer than 5 seconds. Yeah, I’m sure they’re lovely people, but I don’t care. It’s that instant stardom mentality that’s destroying music as far as I’m concerned. Anyhow, back to my point. There’s something refreshing about a song that’s nothing more than 3 chords and verse, chorus, verse. Solo’s? Fuck that. Extended instrumental passages? Go away. Virtuosic playing? You must be joking. It’s liberating, inspiring and all those other bullshit motivational words. You didn’t have to sit in your bedroom for fifteen years practising, all you needed was 3 chords and the guts to get onstage and that’s something that’s needed, badly.

It’s no bullshit music, all killer, no filler and even if there’s a song you don’t like, at the speed they play it’s over before you know it. It’s wasn’t any one person, but a mix of all four of them that made the band what it was. Combine Johnny’s ferocious down strumming (Which was basically all he knew how to do on the guitar), Tommy’s rudimentary drumming (He was set to manage the band, until their lack of suitable drummers put him behind the kit), Dee Dee’s autobiographical song writing (53^rd and 3^rd wasn’t just a song…) and Joey’s amazing voice (It should be the dictionary definition of teen angst) and everything just worked, like a musical Frankenstein’s monster, or Voltron.

And they wrote about everything. There were songs about teenage boredom, cretins, loneliness, axe murderers, bizarre family, shock treatment, drugs, violence and other subjects that make for great pop songs. And love. Oh, were there ever love songs… From ‘I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend’ (Fun Fact: that played at my wedding) to ‘She’s a Sensation’, ‘She’s the One’, ‘Oh Oh, I Love Her So’ and ‘I Just Want to Have Something to Do’, which contains possibly the most perfect opening lines in anything*:

Hanging out on Second Avenue,

Eating Chicken Vindaloo.

I just want to be with you,

I just want to have something to do.

But if you really want to know just why I love this band so much, go and listen to Blitzkrieg Bop. That’ll explain it better in 2 minutes than I could given a million years.

*Yes, even Neuromancer.

I sold my soul for rock and roll

“Rock and roll ain’t no riddle man, to me it makes good, good sense”

Truer words have rarely been spoken.

I am, and probably always will be, more than a bit intense about things.

I don’t do casual very well. I was raised in an Anglican household, but left in my early teens. My only memory of church is the look on the face of a clown that was trying to involve me in the day’s games, a look I’d like to say was fear, but was more like “That little prat’s not going to want to do anything.” Religion never did much for me – if more people followed the basic message of ‘Don’t be a dick’ the world would be a much better place, but the higher aspects never interested me. What replaced that in my life was music.

I started slow – I was, and still am to a certain extent, a Dire Straits fan, though I’ve no recollection of how I first heard them. You may laugh (And you’d be entitled to), but I still regard Mark Knopfler’s guitar on Tunnel of Love as a thing of beauty. It was AC/DC that started the path I walk today, when I first heard Who Made Who, then got their Live album as a present later that year, an album that was something of a revelation for me. I stuck with that for a few years before branching out, with detours into Guns and Roses and Nirvana fandom, but there are three bands that stand above all: Iron Maiden (Who I’ve spoke of previously), Radio Birdman and the Ramones. You see, in case you missed the news, Tommy Ramone died recently, which means all 4 of the original line-up are no longer with us. Lymphatic cancer took Joey in 2001, a heroin overdose took Dee Dee, prostate cancer took Johnny in 2004 and now bile duct cancer has taken Tommy. Yes, we still have Marky, CJ and Richie (And Clem, though few talk about him), but all the originals have left us. Numerous end of an era clichés have been banded about, but as much as I hate them, they’re true.

Johnny, Tommy, Joey and Dee Dee

To say the Ramones mean a lot to me is an understatement, like calling invading Russia in a winter a bit of a cockup. I remember an interview with Pete Porker where he said he recalled something from a fanzine, that said “True love is when she means as much to you as the Ramones”, and I’ve basically felt that way since I heard them. From the first seconds of It’s Alive, I knew this was for me. 4 guys, 3 chords, 2 minutes and 1 surname. How can you possibly improve on that?

That band spoke to me in a way that nothing else has – when things were horrible, as they are for all teenagers, the Ramones were there. It was a great purging of emotions, taking all that I felt was shitty in my life and venting that in a blast of audio rage. I can’t claim to have had a shitty childhood (If I could I’d nominate my mother for a well-deserved sainthood), but what teenager doesn’t feel like that at one point or another? You have to have an outlet, and since I wasn’t interested in booze, drugs or God (As almost everyone else I went to high school was), music fitted that quite nicely.

I never got to see them live, the closest I came to that was seeing Marky Ramone in spoken word mode, followed by him drumming with the Spazzys, which was a great show (The story of having to watch Rock and Roll High School to remember making it was a highlight, followed by the random outburst of swearing at a chunk of the audience) It’s not much, but I can say I was in the same room as a Ramone and that’s enough. Hell, during a farewell at my last job I damn near wept when the staff band played Blitzkrieg Bop. Couldn’t help it. Same as when the Dictators played it when they toured in 2003. Couldn’t help it then either.

Live at CBGB’s

I’m too wrapped up in them to try and explain the appeal without you listening to them. I could try, but it’ll be a lot easier if you just go out and buy the first four albums (Ramones, Leave Home, Rocket to Russia, Road to Ruin) and It’s Alive and put them on. It won’t cost you much and will take you less than half a day to listen to, but your life will be all the better for it.

I could (and probably will at some point) go on about some of the other artists who’s work I adore: Radio Birdman’s Radios Appear (Which I listened to for a fortnight straight when I first got it) Sonic’s Rendezvous Band’s City Slang, a song as glorious as the lyrics are changeable or Warren Zevon’s tales of addiction, perfectly coiffed werewolves and headless Thompson gunners. There’s Dub War (and later Skindred’s) ability to take almost every musical genre there is, chuck them in a blender and have music emerge, the about to collapse drug fuelled clatter of the New York Dolls, the effortless brilliance of the Sunnyboys (Who’s Alone With You is up there with Alice Cooper’s I’m Eighteen for best teen angst song ever recorded) or everything about Motorhead, but I’ll spare you. This time…

I guess what I struggle to understand the most is how people aren’t as moved by music as I am. Yeah, I accept that everyone has different taste (the fools), but how you can you not be moved by it? Can you listen to Creeping Death and not want to scream DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE at the top of your lungs? Does Battle Hymn not want to make you act like Conan the Barbarian (or join a gym)? Can you listen to Tony Iommi’s guitar on Heaven and Hell and not want to weep with joy? Cause if music doesn’t affect you like that, well, you have both my everlasting sympathy and pity. That’s what it does for me and I can’t imagine my life without it.

I suppose I should finish this up, so I’ll leave you with this message: LEMMY IS GOD.

END OF STORY

coughhackwheezesnort

We’re down sick this week, so if this instalment is confused and incoherent, if we repeat ourselves, fly off on bizarre tangents, or sound like we’ve ingested a dozen bottles of cough syrup (OR MORE SO THAN NORMAL) then we can only apologize. Right, on with things!

First off, there’s a fantastic stop motion short of Optimus Prime battling Devastator, the Basic Rules for the new edition of Dungeons and Dragons have been released as a free PDF and a collection of five hundred fairy tales that had been locked away in an archive in Germany had been unearthed. Last for this bit, there’s some fan art. A young Muslim girl drew herself as various comic characters but with a twist – they’re all wearing hijabs. It’s a lovely concept, especially the Captain America and Hulk which are fantastic.

And may all your hits be Crits!

In what has to be a record for them, Fox have cancelled the ancient Egyptian intrigue show Hieroglyph before it even aired. The show had been given an order straight to series and had completed the first episode before the axe fell. Apparently the show “wasn’t creatively coming together the way executives had hoped,” which is an impressive bit of Buzzword Bullshit Bingo if you ask me. You ordered 13 episodes before making the pilot, shouldn’t you have worked out stuff like that beforehand?

Another teaser trailer for the next season of Doctor Who has appeared, with a familiar sounding voice in it. Another returning monster has been confirmed for the next season, along with word that Michelle Gomez will be playing a character called the Gatekeeper. We’re still waiting for who’s playing the Keymaster though. (Yes, we know we’re far from the only person to make that joke, but it had to be done.) Good news! Yahoo Screen has picked up Community for a sixth season! Dan Harmon is involved, and presumably the rest of the cast, though we don’t know if Donald Glover will return. We have six seasons, now we just need a movie! There’s talk that some male characters in the new Danger Mouse will now be female, Harmony Gold are Kickstarting a pilot for a new Robotech series and Seth Rogen has been teasing the adaption of Preacher he’s producing.

Bryan Fuller is developing American Gods for the Starz network, John Constantine won’t be smoking on TV, which has upset a few people. Hey, at least they didn’t make him an American, have Shia LeBouf as his sidekick and give him a magic shotgun eh? We also have details of a few other changes and Easter Eggs that have been seen in the show’s promotional material. Clive Barker’s Nightbreed is becoming a TV series, Devon Aoki and Peter Stormare are joining the cast of Arrow and Carol Kane will be playing Oswald Cobblepot’s mother in Gotham. Is it wrong I’ll be watching her hoping she sneaks the line “Have fun storming the castle” into the script? Adam West, Burt Ward and Julie Newmar will be appearing at Comic Con to preview the Batman 66 DVD set and the BBC has confirmed four new episodes of Sherlock.

TELL ME YOU WOULDN’T WATCH THAT FILM. YOU CAN’T, CAN YOU?

The first proper promotional picture from Batman V Superman has emerged and well… It’s a bit shit. I’ve read very little Superman over the years, but I’ve never seen him as Broody McBroodyPants, even in the 90’s when he wore a mullet. In order to distract from that, you can read Zack Snyder’s justification for just why there’s a V instead of Vs in the title. (If you want to hit yourself in the head with a brick after reading that, you aren’t alone) Furthermore, there’s talk that the studio hired Kevin Smith to write a fake script solely to leak, which would mean that all the rumours we’ve seen for the past few months are FALSE AND LIES. Why go to that extent? Or, if you’re going to do that, why not leak a version of the script that was going to be used for the Nicholas Cage film to really mess with people’s heads?

The viral marketing for Guardians of the Galaxy has produced this wonderful galactic travel site, Mark Ruffalo has denied a Planet Hulk movie and Colin Treverrow has given us another sneaky look at Jurassic World. A sequel to Enchanted is back on (Hey, better late than never) and Andy Serkis is working on both Avengers: Age of Ultron (Working with Mark Ruffalo) and Star Wars: Episode 7, which has added Billie Lourd, Carrie Fisher’s daughter, to it’s cast. Word is GI Joe 3 will be focused on Dwayne Johnson’s character Roadblock (Which is different from it’s ‘All Ninjas, all the time’ teaser poster), Bryan Singer has teased the opening of X:Men-Apocalypse and a movie version of video game series Thief is in development.

We would bring you another clip from Sharknado 2: The Second One but I haven’t been able to find a version of it that’s available in Australia, which means we’re both cursing region locked videos and very thankful for region locked videos. We do, however, have the first look at Sharktopus vs Pteracuda, which is, well, I’ll let a picture show my thousand words.

Enough said.

The trailer for Dracula Untold has Luke Evans brooding, a whole lot of CG stuff getting chucked about and Charles Dance sounding eerily like Benedict Cumberbatch, there’s men in kilts in the trailer for time travel drama Outlander and the look at To be Takei is well, fabulous. There’s a series of 3 short films bridging the gap between the recent Planet of the Apes films and we won’t be seeing a full trailer for The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies until October, but you can expect a teaser in a few weeks. No doubt they’re busy cramming even more Elf related bullshit into it, between all the pointless side quests, party splitting and other stuff that WASN’T IN THE BOOK OR LOTR APPENDICES. No I don’t like Elves, the pointy eared arrogant prats and no, n-case you hadn’t guessed and no, my identifying with the Dwarves isn’t cause I look more like one, it’s cause it’s A: meant to be the Dwarves movie and B: shit storytelling. I know you want to link to the Rings films, but there’s ways to do it that aren’t quite so well, shit. And don’t get me started on that dragged out, pointless drawn out 20 minutes of running around Erebor – I haven’t been so angry at an action scene since the factory chase in Attack of the Clones.

We leave you this week with a look at several short films made by Toby Froud, son of Wendy and Brian Froud who were part responsible for Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal. Nightmare fuel in foam and felt.

Quote of the Week:

[After surviving a gladiatorial fight, at which point they would have been free]

Miek: No hmpfing! The Red *kik* King to pardoning us now.

Hulk: Red King?

Miek: The Emperor. His planet. We just living here.

Hulk: He runs this stupid world?

Miek: As much as he grabbing anyway.

[The Hulk leaps at the Red King’s seat]

Hulk: Finally. Hulk knows who to smash.

Planet Hulk – Issue #92

Cheers,

Gavin

Sequel? A sequel you say?

Yes, we’re late again. We’ve been working on a Deadlands freeform, played our first game of Nuclear War (Which was, if you’ll pardon the pun, a blast) and doing the gardening. Yep, it’s been another action packed week in my life…

It’s been a week filled with sequels and reboots, which we shall now take you through. MGM is continuing in it’s impossible quest to remake War Games, there’s the first pictures from the updated series Danger Mouse and Thunderbirds are Go along with a teaser poster for GI Joe 3, a film that’s nowhere near production. (If you ask me they should just call it GI JOE: NINJAS NINJAS NINJAS and be done with it) Dean Devlin has confirmed the new Stargate film will be a reboot, Shane Black is writing the new Predator film, though he’s busily insisting it’s a sequel not remake and according to sources the next Terminator film will be called just that. Meanwhile, in a piece of very unexpected but very, very good news, Guillermo Del Toro has announced that Pacific Rim 2 is coming! If you aren’t excited by the prospect of more kaiju vs mecha action, then you might not have a soul. (I’m still holding out for Hellboy 3 though)

At least it wasn’t called ‘Strewth’ or ‘Crikey!’

The first teaser for the new series of Doctor Who is out and I’m kind of surprised – it’s about 2 months till the show airs and we’ve gotten a 16 second teaser and a few leaked photos. Shouldn’t the publicity machine have kicked off by now? Rumour has it the first episode will be feature length, whatever that means, which is something to look forward to, but as to what’s happening we have no clue. This is good, because it means I’m not spoilt about what monsters are showing up, but it’s bad, because I’m not spoilt about what monsters are showing up and thus aren’t squealing with joy about seeing [INSERT CLASSIC MONSTER] for the first time in many years. In other Who news, actress Siobhan Redmond will be playing The Rani in an upcoming Big Finish story, taking over the role from the late Kate O’Mara.

It’s been confirmed that Hulu won’t be bringing Community back, there’s some casting news for the Wachowski’s new series sense8 and Elden Henson will be playing Foggy Nelson in Daredevil. Rosario Dawson has also been cast, though we’ve no idea who she’s playing. The first look at SyFy’s new series 12 Monkeys has escaped, as has a look at the new series of Danger 5, the utterly and gloriously bonkers series that takes World War 2, filters it through badly dubbed 60’s action movies, adds giant robots, mind controlled dinosaurs and all manner of craziness and then turns it up to 11.THOUSAND.

“And for the love of God, DAMN WELL KILL HITLER!”

We’ve a Japanese language version of the trailer for Lupin III, a live action version of the popular manga series that’s had several animated films based on it. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, then go rent/buy/borrow a film called The Castle of Cagliostro NOW. What do you mean the shops aren’t open? GET GOING. I’ll wait. *taps foot* Back now? See, glorious isn’t it? I haven’t seen anything about an English language release, but hopefully there’ll be one at some point. Because I am NOT learning Japanese.

The promo for the BBC America series Intruders (Starring John ‘Life on Mars’ Simm) is mighty creepy, the teenage girl becomes a zombie film Life after Beth looks promising, as does the teaser for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay. The new trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the other hand… Ninjitsu is based on stealth, blending into the environment and not letting people know you’re there. So, how the hell are you supposed to do that when you’re 7 feet tall and built like a brick shithouse? Mind you, I did like the Batman voice joke, so it’s not Revenge of the Fallen bad, but I’m still keeping my expectations low.

Ben Kingsley will voice Bagheera in the live action version of The Jungle Book, Ridley Scott’s next film will be The Martian and is set to star Matt Damon, while the cutest thing we’ve seen this week is the picture of the Episode 7 table read done in Lego. Seriously, there’s not much Lego can’t make better. There’s some things it doesn’t need to make better (Like Big Trouble in Little China or Flash Gordon for example), but I’m sure it could still improve them.

See – told you it was awesome!

Bob Orci has said that Star Trek 3 will return to deep space (Hoo-freakin-ray!), actor Scott McNairy has been cast in an unspecified role in Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Thingamajig and the fifth Pirates film is set to film next year. (Presumably it’ll take that long to transport all the dump trucks filled with money to unload on the front lawn of Johnny Depp’s private island) A movie based on the Monstrumologist book series is on the way and a Blu-Ray set of Star Trek Into Darkness with all the extras collected together (Rather than being spread over multiple store exclusive releases) is finally coming. The only catch is you’ll have to buy the first film again as part of the set, though there’s talk of a refund program being set up. I swear, there’s a special hell waiting for people who release sets like that. A special hell…

Daniel Radcliffe has said he wants to play Robin to Ben Affleck’s Batman, the first pictures from Mad Max: Fury Road are out, as are the first pictures from Suburban Gothic, which has been described as a ‘suburban Scooby Doo.’ It’s a terrible description, but the film does have Kat Dennings and Jeffery Combs, so it (hopefully) will be better than that. The new Fantastic Four movie will apparently have a ‘found footage’ feel to it, Marvel head honcho Kevin Feige has given an update on Ant-Man and Doctor Strange and it’s been confirmed that Nathan Fillion has a tiny cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy. Shiny!

Just when I think I couldn’t have any more of a man crush…

We leave this week with a look at the 60’s Fantastic Four series that never existed (Burgess Meredith as the Mole Man – who do I have to kill the visit the alternate universe where that exists?) and the news that a scientist was ejected from a recent concert of classical music for trying to crowd surf to Handel’s Messiah.

Quote of the Week:

Gottlieb: This is all wrong! There should be three Kaijus coming through, not two!

Dr. Newton Geiszler: There should be three and there’s two? I’m sorry, it hurts to be wrong, don’t it, Hermann?

Gottlieb: I am not wrong, but there is something here we don’t understand.

Dr. Newton Geiszler: Okay. Hermann, we can hopefully argue about any mistakes you made in your your predictive model in the future. But in the meantime, the neural interfaces are way off the charts! If you want to help, help with that.

Gottlieb: Newton, I am not wrong. There is only one way to make sure… and that is to do this… together. I’ll go with you. That’s what the Jaeger pilots do, share the neural load.

Dr. Newton Geiszler: You’re serious? You – You would do that for me? Or would do that with me?

Gottlieb: Well, with worldwide destruction a certain alternative… Do I really have a choice?

Dr. Newton Geiszler: Then say it with me, my man: “We’re gonna own this bad boy!”

Gottlieb: By Jove, we are going to own this thing for sure!

Pacific Rim

Cheers,

Gavin

Musing on a life changing event, aka IRON MAIDEN air guitars

Everyone has that sort of event – you meet someone, read something or hear something that utterly changes your worldview from that moment on. I’ve had more than a few of them in my time. My list includes such things as It’s Alive by the Ramones, Return of the Jedi, and even The Da Vinci Code. (My wife and I were set up by mutual friends at a showing, I didn’t go see it of my own free will. I’m mad, but I’m not crazy) I won’t be talking about those though. This one was sparked by a book, but not any old book mind you. The Book of Revelations, chapter and verse 13:18 to be precise…

Woe to you, O Earth and Sea

For the Devil sends the Beast with wrath

Because he knows the time is short

Let him who hath understanding reckon the Number of the Beast

For it is a human number

It’s number is Six Hundred and Sixty Six…

If I close my eyes I can still see it – I was in my early teens, though I don’t remember what year exactly. A family holiday is taking place, but this is all I remember, outside of the horrors of the walk to the outside toilet. It’s near midnight, an almost perfect time for metal, my headphones are plugged into my Walkman and Three Hours of Power (Triple J’s heavy metal show) is on. All that’s lacking is a thunderstorm, lightning strike or Viking invasion to make it more metal and even then, I’m not sure I would have noticed. I don’t remember what played before or after, just the song that would change my life forever more.

The intro had my curiosity, all doom and devils and a Vincent Price soundalike, then Bruce Dickinson whispering of horrific dreams and evil faces and then it hit my ears. THAT BIG SCREAM. It was the sort of scream that echoes down the ages, a primal scream of rage and frustration, said to have been borne of several hours in the studio repeating the first four lines of the song. The sort of scream that doesn’t just put hair on your chest, it puts hair EVERYWHERE. Pure audio testosterone. Within those few brief seconds I knew, with all certainty in my barely formed teenage mind that I was hooked and I have been ever since.

It’s not just Dickinson’s scream though – Clive Burr’s jazzy drumming, the interplay between Dave Murray and Adrian Smith on guitar and Steve Harris’s bass work (That man’s right hand has to be a machine – it’s the only thing that can explain his bass work) just meld together into something magical. Seeing them live in 2008 was one of the most amazing nights of my life – seeing grizzled mullet wearing men as excited as teen girls outside a Beiber gig is not something you forget in a hurry, let alone a women dressed for an elegant garden party descending into the pit and emerging post show drenched in sweat and beaming. I can’t properly explain the appeal – I could talk for hours about the quality of the song writing, the at times inhumanly skilled musicianship (Watch Steve Harris’s right hand during Run to the Hills), or the sheer joy that the band have for what they’re playing and that they continue to do so. It’s a glorious and magnificent noise that I love with all my heart and I thank the universe daily that I was exposed to it.

So yeah, Costa Zoulio, you have my lifelong thanks. Without that moment my life would be a lot less metal and all the poorer for it. *throws horns*

shoutybeardything

Category rambling