I might have spent a little too much time indoors of late, as I’ve started absentmindedly composing bad Viking-esque poetry about my house, which I’ll spare you. You’ll thank me. Also, I tried to introduce my godson to Star Wars, which didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. When Darth Vader made his entrance on the Tantive IV, I was hoping for something, I don’t know, fearful or terrified, a reaction worthy of one of cinema’s greatest villains. Instead he turned to me and asked:’Is that Batman?’ *sigh*

It’s been a big week for that galaxy, with the first official announcement of the cast list for Star Wars Episode 7. Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher are returning, along with Max Von Sydow (Flash Gordon), Andy Serkis (The Lord of the Rings), John Boyega (Attack the Block) and Adam Driver (Girls) among others. We still have very little detail as to who’s playing who, nor how large a part the original cast will have. There’s a report that Ford’s part is gigantic (Yes, there’s a very cheap joke there, but I’m not going to make it), but that could just be Abrams doing the ‘No, it’s TOTALLY not Khan’ routine again. On that note, can we get someone to punch him in the junk if he tries that again, please?

For that matter, what about the ‘You Rebel scum’ guy?

There’s one thing that’s been nagging me about it though, and others have put it far better than I can, namely io9’s Annalee Newitz: where the hell are the women? Let’s break it down shall we?

The original trilogy: Princess Leia.

The prequel trilogy: Padme Amidala.

The new film: Princess Leia and an unknown role

We have Carrie Fisher and Daisy Ridley and… that’s it. Apparently another female lead will be joining, but that’s still not nearly enough. Yes, 2 major female characters is more than in the entire original trilogy, so it’s progress. It just happens to be piss poor progress.

Now, there are female speaking roles scattered throughout, but they consist of Aunt Beru, Mon Mothma, Jocasta Nu (The Jedi Temple’s librarian) and a few random background extras. Aayla Secura doesn’t get a line, let alone to draw her lightsaber before she’s gunned down by Order 66, to add insult to injury. With the word recently that the Expanded Universe (Novels, video games etc) won’t be canon for the new films (Though they’ll continue to mine it for ideas), it does rob us of a lot of fantastic female characters and also lessens the chance of Benedict Cumberbatch or Hugo Weaving playing Grand Admiral Thrawn. However, if we can get close to an equal gender representation, then that is a price I’m happy to pay.

For all the terrible parts of the EU (Darksaber and The Crystal Star, I’m looking at you) there were some amazing female characters – Mara Jade (Who started out trying to kill Luke and later became his wife), Han and Leia’s daughter Jaina (Who became the Sword of the Jedi), Imperial Intelligence chief Ysanne Isard and warrior princess Tenel Ka. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Anyhow, the old material will remain in print under the title Star Wars Legends, with the covers to the first four ‘new’ novels released this week.  The first will tie in to the new animated series Star Wars Rebels, with the others spotlighting Luke Skywalker, Grand Moff Tarkin and the Lords of the Sith, Palpatine and Vader.

It’s amazing the power that one simple sentence still has over me.

Warners have confirmed that Zack Snyder will be directing Justice League, with the movie set to shoot after he finishes Batman vs Superman, which will hopefully get a better title before it’s released. Speaking of that, it’s gotten even more crowded, with actor Ray Fisher cast as Cyborg. Warners are said to have another nine films in development, with Fables and Sandman said to be among them. But really, who cares about any of that – Stan Lee has shot a cameo for Guardians of the Galaxy!

Joe Quesada has confirmed that the Marvel Netflix series will be part of the MCU, Tim Blake Nelson is now part of the Fantastic Four reboot, where he’ll play Harvey Elder, better known as the Mole-Man, the Spider-Man spin off Sinister Six could be shooting next year and there’s been talk of an X-Men TV show. Me? I’m just hoping they update the theme tune from the 90’s cartoon.

Microsoft are planning a TV show based on the roleplaying game Deadlands, SyFy US have announced a plethora of new shows, including adaptions of Frank Miller’s Ronin, Lev Grossman’s Magician series and the time travel story Pax Romana. Here’s hoping that A: some of them actually make it to the screen and B: they’re actually any good. They also announced a third Sharknado film, so it’s more a case of 2 steps forward, 1 GIANT LEAP BACK.

The Good, the Bad and the Undead…

A synopsis has been released for the movie adaption of book series Goosebumps, plans are afoot to bring The Phantom back to cinema screens and Kevin Smith is working on a Christmas themed horror movie, Anti-Claus. Wasn’t he talking about quitting movies after Red State, or did I miss a memo? The Assassin’s Creed movie has a new director, Steven Spielberg is to direct a new version of the Roald Dhal story The BFG and Hugh Jackman reckons the third Wolverine film will be his last time playing the character, which is fair enough.

In this week’s instalment of ‘DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE’ comes word of a new Dad’s Army movie. Don’t. Please, just don’t. I’m sure you can make a decent version, but surely this could be stopped before that? It’s pure speculation at the moment, but we could be getting a Sherlock Christmas special, Fox have cancelled Almost Human and a Friday the 13th series is in the works, which is said to take place across different times and look into the Voorhees family past. Dredd’s producer has given an update on the sequel, saying despite Karl Urban’s recent comments there’s very little progress and a new synopsis for Mad Max: Fury Road has been released.

Footage wise, there’s a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trailer, which is mostly the previous trailer with a tiny bit of new footage which makes even less sense. How is William Fitchner both an amoral scientist and the leader of an evil ninja clan? I’m not saying he can’t be both, but there’s only so many hours in the day. We’ve three new clips from X-Men: Days of Future Past and a new episode of the Judge Dredd fan series Cursed Edge has arrived. We end this week with a gloriously cute K-9 poodle skirt. *sigh* It’s great to see geek clothing that’s more than a t-shirt, though I continue to grumble that Her Universe don’t ship to Australia – there’s a shirt there that’s perfect for my niece.

Quote of the Week:

Jagged Fel: “You also have to play politics, which is like piloting an unarmored shuttle through the worst meteor shower in history, and just as productive. I think sometimes the only reason I’m not as unhinged as Daala is because I’m younger.”

Jaina Solo: “My mother isn’t unhinged.”

Jagged Fel: “No, but she left the Chief of State’s office and took up a profession where she could cut people in half when she got annoyed.”

Star Wars: Conviction

Cheers,

Gavin

Welcome once again readers!

We’re sorry for the lateness of this piece, as preparations for my niece’s 6^th birthday party and preparing my Eyecon event have gotten in the way of a regular schedule. It’s also been a sad week, with the death of screenwriter Lorenzo Semple Jr, best known for his work in the 60’s Batman series and actress Kate O’Mara, who played the renegade Time Lord The Rani in two 1980’s Doctor Who serials. Add to that the recent deaths of GWAR singer Dave Brockie and Stooges drummer Scott Asheton and it’s been a pretty rubbish time.

We start this week with the walking dead. A brewery in Philadelphia USA is brewing zombie beer, a beer that’s brewed with cranberries and ROASTED GOAT BRAIN. That’s right, beer that contains brains and doesn’t rot them. Secondly, the zombie apocalypse is coming to Ramsay Street. Yes, soon you’ll be able to watch Neighbours characters doing their usual mundane tasks and family dramas, all the while dodging the undead, in a 5 part web series. Shame they couldn’t just play it on free to air – I wonder if anyone would notice?

In the latest entry of the ongoing series ‘Michael Bay tries to ruin your childhood icons’ comes the first trailer for his reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and its exactly what you’d expect. Explosions, slow motion, the heroes getting very little dialogue and Megan Fox even less. And while the heroine fainting is an overused cliché, in all fairness, if a 7 foot tall heavily armed turtle started talking to me, I’d probably faint as well. Rumours are swirling that the film is headed for reshoots of World War Z proportions (Which had as much of a third of the film redone), but we’ll have to wait and see.

Anyone wonder where they got the cash for all that pizza?

Second cab off the rank is the new X-Men: Days of Future Past trailer which proves once and for all that Sir Ian McKellen rocks a cape. If you aren’t sure who’s who (And there’s a lot of new characters), here’s a helpful mutant roll call TV spot for the film. The Wachowski’s new film, Jupiter Ascending, also gets a new trailer and while the film does look amazing, I have no idea what’s going on. There’s Channing Tatum in Elf ears, Mila Kunis as an alien princess and waitress, some sort of giant gargoyle thing and the one and only Sean Bean, who might survive this movie! Nahhh, I’m just kidding, he’s doomed.

We also have the first trailers for Into the Storm, which would appear to be a larger budgeted SyFy original, especially given the TORNADOES OF FIRE, and Hercules, which has Dwayne Johnson (Who keeps dropping hints he’s playing a DC Comics character) in a lion skin cloak. I still don’t think it’ll be a good movie, but it looks like good dumb fun in the tradition of early 80’s sword and sorcery and if loving that is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

I don’t care what you say, that triple bladed sword was awesome.

Tom Cruise get’s killed over and over and over in the new trailer for Edge of Tomorrow, we’ve a poster and a trailer for Phantasm: Ravagerand a new clip from How to Train Your Dragon 2. A pair of brief snippets of footage from Ralph Bakshi’s animated Lord of the Rings has surfaced, there’s a clip from the new DC Animated feature Son of Batman and Eliza Dushku starts in the web series The Gable 5, which is by Kevin Tancharoen, who helmed the Mortal Kombat webseries.

We have the first look at Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch in some on set shots from Avengers: Age of Ultron, Samuel L Jackson has said he’ll have a smaller part in the film (And that Brad Bird keeps telling him that Frozone is part of The Incredibles 2) and Scarlet Johansson has promised more strong female characters in the film. (Speaking of Johansson, did you know she picked up people on the street as part of the filming of Under the Skin?) Meanwhile, Chris Evans has said he plans to be done with acting when his stint with Marvel ends and is planning to move into directing, actor Corey Stoll (Last seen in House of Cards) has signed up for Ant-Man in an as-yet known role and Agent 13, aka Sharon Carter, has her own Captain America: The Winter Soldier poster.

There’s a close up picture of the new Green Goblin from The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and he looks impressively grotesque. Not quite as creepy as Willem Defoe, but he doesn’t need makeup to be creepy. Furthermore, Marvel’s next big Spidey related event will be Spider-Verse, which will bring together every version of Spider-Man there was or will be, from Peter Parker to Miles Morales to the infamous Spider-Ham! Meanwhile, on the other side of the fence, DC are said to be announcing a series of movies soon, with a Justice League film said to be among them. So ah… Better late than never?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has explained why he’ll look older in Terminator Genesis and John Boyega (Attack the Block) is said to be up for a role. Prometheus 2 has both a writer and a release date, Andy Serkis will be directing one of the two competing adaptions of The Jungle Book (The other version has Idris Elba as Shere Khan though) and the rumours that Indiana Jones could be recast are floating around again. Recasting the role while Harrison Ford is still with is as almost as bad an idea as passing the hat on to Shia LeBouf at the end of Crystal Skull, as was once rumoured. The Harry Potter spin off Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is set to become a trilogy, Peter ‘Chewbacca’ Mayhew has cancelled a convention appearance owing to filming commitments, which as we all know only means one thing and I think you know what that is.

In Dejarik as in life, sit back, relax and let the Wookie win.

Moving to the idiot box, not only are Community doing an animated GI Joe themed episode (From which we have a clip from here), but it’s looking likely to be picked up for a sixth season! Now all we need is a movie… Agents of SHIELD announced two new cast – Amy Acker will play the mysterious cellist mentioned by Agent Coulson in The Avengers and Patrick Brennan is to play villain Blackout. From Dusk Till Dawn has been renewed and there’s a look the Defiance web series that’ll bridge the gap between seasons 1 and 2. I’d almost forgotten about that show…

More pictures have been released showing the characters of Gotham, including a young Selina Kyle (Who the Daily Mail initially described as sexy – she’s 14), Alfred Pennyworth and star of the show, Jim Gordon. In further DC TV news, the producer of Arrow wants a Black Canary spinoff, showing what she’s doing between her appearances on Arrow. I’ll watch it, even more so if it’s like the Birds of Prey episode of Batman: The Brave and the Bold.

One of the most loathsome figures in Doctor Who history is coming back thanks to Big Finish Productions. That sinking feeling you have is correct – Adric is returning. Yes, the intensely irritating boy genius is coming back in a series of audio plays, voiced by Matthew Waterhouse who played the role back in 1980-2. I can’t say I approve of this, but Big Finish turned Colin Baker’s 6^th Doctor around by actually writing good scripts for him, so anything is possible. For those new Who fans who have no idea what I’m talking about, think of him as the Wesley Crusher of Doctor Who, with none of Wil Wheaton’s redeeming features. Yes, that’s very uncomplimentary to Matthew Waterhouse (Who I’m sure is a nice man and doesn’t deserve this treatment), but I’ve tried to listen to his DVD commentaries and they’re genuinely painful.

There’s only one man who can wear that haircut and that’s Johnny Ramone!

A collection of Hellboy creator Mike Mignola’s concept art for Atlantis: The Lost Empire has been found, comedian Alan Brough has joined the cast of Night Terrace, the Tim Powers novel The Anubis Gates Is becoming a stage play and it’s finally time for the boys to get Star Wars swimwear, with R2D2 board shorts soon available for sale. There’s a hellish amount of innuendo that can be made, which sadly we don’t have time for.

We end this week in song, with Hugh Jackman singing Wolverine: The Musical and possibly the greatest cover version of Over the Misty Mountains Cold that will EVER BE RECORDED. Trust me on this, it’s worth the listen.

Quote of the Week:

Batman: What took you so long, Batgirl?

Batgirl: Rush hour traffic, plus all the lights were against me. And you wouldn’t want me to speed, would you?

Robin: Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives!

Batman: Rules are rules, Robin. But you do have a point

Batman – The Funny Feline Felonies

Welcome back readers!

There’s been some surprising events in nerddom the last week or so, so I’m going to tell you all about it! You remember, the reason why I actually set this blog up. Surely you haven’t forgotten?

We start this week with something thought impossible – SyFy USA are apparently making space opera again! Yes, they’ve been promising that since the 2009 rebranding to SyFy (I still can’t type that without feeling unclean), but they’re giving it another go. The first show announced is the mini-series Ascension, about a murder on a colony ship that left Earth during the Cold War and which was described as ‘part Battlestar, part Downtown Abbey’, which is a description that made me want to vomit a little. They’ve also announced there’ll be less of their infamous B-movies and they want to make more mini-series, both things I support and which almost make’s up for them cancelling Being Human. Now, if they could only cut back on the ghost hunting shows…

Less of this will be lovely.

The Big Bang Theory has been renewed for three more seasons, which I’m sure will make some people happy. I am not one of those people. We have a good look at the new costume for the Arrow spin off The Flash and some on-set footage from the pilot. For those who missed it, John Wesley Shipp (Who played the Flash in the 1990’s series) will also be appearing in the show, though whether it’s a recurring role is as yet -unknown. The real question is whether you could get Mark Hamill to reprise his role as the Trickster…

We have a list of actors said to be in line for the main part in Star Wars Episode 7 and Dave Filoni released the last batch of concept art from The Clone Wars, whose cancellation continues to annoy me. Marvel have been having meetings with Lucasfilm, presumably about the having taking over the comics license while Ron Moore has said he lost arguments to George Lucas during the initial planning of the live action Star Wars series. If you’re going to lose an argument about Star Wars to some one, Lucas isn’t a bad person to lose to, unless that argument concerns Midichlorians or Gungans.

You know it does explain an awful lot…

Adrian Pasdar will be appearing on Agents of SHIELD, playing Glenn Talbot, who’s day job in the comics was trying to find the Hulk (And you thought you had bad days…) and the first picture from the Constantine series gives me hope. Really, just add a cigarette and you could have John Constantine. We also have a list of the people who could be directing Doctor Strange and some possible details on the Agent Carter series. The idea of short seasons with a self contained arc really appeals to me, but that could be the British television I grew up on.

There’s a list of candidates to play Victor Von Doom in the Fantastic Four reboot, which didn’t cause as much of a fuss as the casting of the Four themselves did. So, Johnny Storm’s being played by a black guy and a skinny Englishman is The Thing? Well, it can’t be as big a piece of miscasting as Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, so that’s something. And look on the bright side, it could cause another hilarious kerfuffle like when Idris Elba was cast as Heimdall in Thor. It’s probably a sign of something wrong with me, but I find racists screaming about how they’re being oppressed as beautiful a sound as a purring cat or the hum of a lightsaber.

Or they could just release this one…

In further conservative wackiness, a pair of right wing radio hosts in the US have slammed Frozen, accusing it of pushing, and I quote, a homosexual agenda and a pro-bestiality message. Sure, they haven’t actually seen the film yet, but why let a little thing like that stop them?

Chris Evans will be seeing out his 6 film contract to play Captain America (While Sebastian Stan has a 9 film contract, only equalled by Samuel L Jackson), we’ve a new clip from The Winter Soldier and a look at the Falcon, played by Anthony Mackie. The Russo brothers will be directing Captain America 3, which was due to be released the same day as Batman vs Superman, which was subsequently moved up a week. Your move Marvel, your move…

A pair of new recurring characters have been announced for the next season of Doctor Who. Firstly, there’s the mysterious Ms Delphox, played by Keeley Hawes (Ashes to Ashes) and Danny Pink, who works at Coal Hill School where Clara teaches,  a school that long term Who nerds should recognise … (Is anyone taking bets on Ms Delphox being the Rani yet?) Meanwhile, 7^th Doctor Sylvester McCoy has let slip that a certain character is set to return this year, which if the rumoured casting is true makes me very, very happy.

You can always judge a man by the quality of his enemies.

JK Simmons (Better known as J Jonah Jameson in the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies) has joined the cast of Terminator: Genesis and Something Wicked this Way Comes (Based off the Ray Bradbury story) is being remade. The wonderful people behind the Doctor Who podcast Splendid Chaps are working on a new audio series Night Terrace, about a house travelling through time and space, which will star Jackie Woodburn from Neighbours. The team have launched a Kickstarter and are, at the time of writing, almost halfway funded.

Helena Bonham Carter will be returning for the Alice in Wonderland sequel and Rooney Mara (The American version of Girl in the Dragon Tattoo) will be playing Tiger Liley in Pan, the prequel to Peter Pan that has Hugh Jackman as Blackbeard. Abruptly switching topics to the ‘things I really wish we didn’t need’ section, the folks at Oni Press have come up with a series of convention harassment penalty cards. Because, sadly, kicking people  in the junk is against convention rules.

We end this week with something mighty strange, yes even stranger than the Game of Thrones rap album. (Which, in it’s defence, is free) It’s a pair of cakes, which may not sound strange, but the first one is Dark Crystal themed and the second a cake version of the split face monster from John Carpenter’s The Thing.  If someone presented me with a cake like that, I wouldn’t be getting ready to cut it, I’d be too busy RUNNING SCREAMING LIKE ALL SENSIBLE PEOPLE.

Quote of the Week:

Anakin Skywalker: I hitched a ride on a cargo freighter.

Padmé Amidala: What happened to your military transport?

Anakin Skywalker: Eh… it blew up.

The Clone Wars – Senate Spy

Bit of a change in the format this week, as instead of a general news update, we’re taking a more in-depth look at some of the trailers released in the last couple of weeks.

First cab off the rank, Transformers: Age of Extinction.  Now, despite all evidence to the contrary (AKA, his entire career), I believe Michael Bay could make a good movie. It’s unlikely I grant you, but I’ve long been a sucker for a lost cause. Judging from what I’ve seen, this won’t be it. The trailer gives us a good dose of the Bay trademarks – shaky camera work so as to almost make you vomit, explosions masquerading as plot development, quick cuts so as to make what’s happening nearly incomprehensible and a base level of “AMERICA FUCKYEAH!” well above the recommended healthy level. Mercifully, we’re spared Shia LeBeouf in this one, who’s currently busy having a public meltdown. Seriously, I hope the guy is either A: Trying a Joquain Phoenix-esque fake out, or B: get’s help. Moving on…

What we think happened: after the events of Chicago in Dark of the Moon (Which I still don’t fully understand, as I was fast forwarding between the parts with giant robots – it made for a far better, though more confusing film) public sentiment has turned against the Transformers, leading to the US military they once worked with to hunt them down. Mark Wahlberg unwittingly buys a deactivated and shot up Optimus Prime (Now back in his old-school truck cab mode), which results in the Men in Black coming to take him. There follows explosions, screaming and a ‘Don’t mess with Texas’ reference.

 Seriously, how hard is this to screw up?

There’s one word for what I’m hoping to see in the franchise and we finally get it: Dinobots. Mind you, out of the 5, we get a brief shot of Grimlock in T-Rex mode and what appears to be Swoop. I saw appears to be, because Swoop was a Pteranadon, not a Hydra/Insert two headed winged beast I’ve forgotten the name of. Congratulations Michael Bay, you’ve screwed up again. You’ve taken an idea as pure and elemental as giant robot dinosaurs and managed to make me angry about it. Congratufuckinglations.

Next up, the Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller helmed Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, the long in development sequel/prequel to the 2005 film. Has it really been that long? Well, Rodriquez was busy announcing projects that were never made while Miller was writing Holy Terror, a graphic novel that began life as ‘Batman beats up Al-Qaeda,’ so some delays were inevitable.

If you’ve seen the first film, you know what to expect. If you didn’t, I’ll sum it up for you: sex, more sex, a little violence, and some sex, with a hard boiled narration stuck over the top. If you enjoyed the first, the second should have more of the same. Eva Green as the dame of the title is a good choice, she’s a fine actress and should be able to chew the scenery with the rest of the cast. Most of the cast from the first film are returning, with Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke the most prominent. (Yes, they died in the first film, but the timeline of the stories jumps around.) All in all, it’s exactly what I’d expected.

Oh Frank Miller, PLEASE CHANGE. Please?

Briefly turning to games, the trailer for the latest Batman game, Batman: Arkham Knight, has leaked. I have to wonder, with the way that Gotham is presented in the games, is anyone but Batman and criminals left? I get that it’s a terrible place, but it comes across as more war zone less crime riddled city. Either way, it looks like we’ll get the chance to drive the Batmobile, which means there’s a chance that someone will mod the Adam West Batmobile into the game, which will be GLORIOUS.

Then we have the latest trailer for Godzilla and after watching that, we’re contractually obligated to say the following: History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man… Bryan Cranston is shouting, Ken Watanabe is doing that thing he does with his voice that makes me want to listen to him read a phonebook and the Big G (No, not Galactus) is a figure of fear and terror again. It’s sure looking like the Godzilla film we hoped for in 1998, but didn’t get.

Moving on, we have the latest preview for Captain America: The Winter Soldier, which is almost 3 minutes from the film’s opening sequence and some new footage. It’s nothing major, but I love the banter between Cap and the Black Widow – it’s running at an almost Joss Whedon level. Oh, and $5 say’s the big SHIELD eagle in the foyer won’t survive till the end.

Lastly, we have the first trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy, which is well, different. A rag tag group of misfits (Who comprise a human everyone thinks is mad, a green skinned woman and heavily muscled man and the duo of a talking raccoon and his best friend who’s a tree) out to save the galaxy from… something? I’m in. It does seem to be pitched more as a comedy than previous Marvel films, but I’d say it’s about time. It’s also about time for a female led superhero movie (Yes, you can mention Catwoman or Elektra, but I want a good female led movie), but that’s a rant for another time. I can’t say I’m a fan of Bradley Cooper as Rocket Raccoon (There’s a preview of his voice here) but Vin Diesel as Groot is a fantastic idea. (Especially if it’s anything like his last voice acting gig…) Oh and yes, the bald woman with the knives? Yes, that is Karen Gillan.

 Come along Pond.

So what does all this mean? It means I’m going to be spending a lot of time in cinema’s this year and hopefully not coming out of them screaming in nerdrage. Your thoughts readers?