“They drew first blood, not me.”

(A Nerf War scenario loosely inspired by Carl Purcell. Blame him for this)

A lone PATRIOTIC AMERICAN, who just wants to be left alone, has been pushed beyond his limits by a bunch of REDNECK COPS (Including a young Horatio *sunglasses* Caine) and escaped into the woods. The police are now searching for him in increasing numbers.All he wants is to be left alone, but they kept pushing. NOTHING IS OVER.Because YOU JUST DON’T TURN IT OFF!
OUR HERO starts at one end of the map, equipped only with a LARGE AND MANLY KNIFE, a total lack of sleeves and an occasionally understandable accent. The REDNECK COPS start at the corners of the other side and carry a series of Nerf blasters and ammunition. OUR HERO has to escape, the COPS have to take him down. What they don’t know is, he’s about to give them A WAR THEY WON’T BELIEVE!
OUR HERO’S job is to evade or incapacitate the COPS, making to the exit point on the other side of the map. He can take 5 hits from Nerf darts before being taken out, representing his natural AMERICAN SUPERIORITY. He can heal those only with a suitably ABSURD GESTURE, such as pretending to heat a knife to cauterize a wound, but with an especially loud and painful sounding yell. That should take at least 30 seconds in preparation and at least 10 seconds of shouting. The COPS can take 2 hits each and can assist each other in healing (Pretending to wrap bandages around each others wounds etc), which takes 30 seconds.
OUR HERO can also prepare traps (pool noodle punji sticks,hidden bubble wrap representing pit traps etc) from supplies left around the map. To extend the scenario, the COPS can respawn back in their deployment zone while there’s an arms cache left somewhere on the map for OUR HERO to loot (Representing the local gun store). NOTE: You can’t shoot the gun store owner. Just saying.

Should OUR HERO escape, he is ready to embark on a series of increasingly silly and over the top sequels, culminating in him helping create a terrorist group (Awkward…). The COPS are doomed to a future in police procedural TV shows and internet memes.

Remember Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied.

A Nerf War scenario heavily inspired by the film Commando and the new Nerf Doomlands range written on my train trip to work this morning.

There is 1 player per run: OUR HERO. They are absurdly muscled, ALL-AMERICAN (Though frequently with foreign accents) and carry a vast amount of weapons and ammunition, possibly aided by strategic ammo drops throughout the play area. They are hunting down the BAD GUY, who carries a rifle or shotgun, and possibly a backup pistol if they’re a SNEAKY EVIL FOREIGNER, as they should be. They may also have a mustache to twirl or an outrageously offensive/inappropriate accent. They command a large force of GOONS, who carry 1 main weapon and whose job is to hurl themselves at OUR HERO and die as spectacularly as possible. The BAD GUY may also have a HEAD GOON, who carries a SIGNATURE WEAPON that deals double damage to OUR HERO.

Arnold-S-CommandoOUR HERO is all but invincible – weapon hits from goons will slow him down (Take a knee for 5 seconds, or be forced to take cover), but only hits from the BAD GUY or the HEAD GOON will actually hurt him. Both OUR HERO and the BAD GUY can take 3 hits, the HEAD GOON can take 2. GOONS can only take one hit, but can return to the battle after going to a re-spawn point.

g33uCfJOUR HERO is out for vengeance against the BAD GUY for an inexplicable reason or to rescue the PLUCKY SIDEKICK. The sidekick starts out in the BAD GUY lair and has just escaped. They may scavenge for weapons and ammo, or carry a single shot weapon with no more than 6 darts.

OUR HERO starts at one end of the play area, the BAD GUY, his HEAD GOON, GOONS and the PLUCKY SIDEKICK the other end of the area. RE-SPAWN POINTS for GOONS are marked on the map, there should be at least 1 on either side of the map. OUR HERO may choose from the range of weapons at the starting point, choosing what approach they are taking to the scenario. They may move through quietly as a PREDATOR or rain down RED HEAT on their foes like some sort of TERMINATOR. Either way, an arming montage is mandatory.

COMMANDO SCREEN SHOTEach run last for 10 minutes, or until OUR HERO either A: kills the BAD GUY or B: rescues the PLUCKY SIDEKICK and escapes back to the starting point, thus preserving the BAD GUY for the inevitable sequel.

OUR HERO is identified by a red headband (RED IS AMERICAN AND NOT AT ALL COMMUNIST) and the PLUCKY SIDEKICK by a white armband. The BAD GUY wears a distinctive item of clothing, the HEAD GOON a black armband, and the GOONS wear green armbands.

So. needs work, but not bad for a train trip. Thoughts?

I almost killed someone with a greased up wolf.

That’s not as strange as it sounds. Actually, in the world of Dungeons and Dragons it’s positively normal. But it’s still not something I say every day.

How did this happen? It’s simple: take one angry Bugbear and his pet wolf, add a well-placed Grease spell and an open flame and it’s finger licking good time. Mind you, one of the PC’s attempts to murder the wolf got them almost killed, and I would have come close with another had I not rolled snake eyes on the Bugbears damage roll. 2D8 + 2 damage and I roll double 1’s… (Those who’ve gamed with me before know that sort of thing is standard for my dice rolling, as one of my players commented gleefully “It’s great that Gav’s our DM, cause he sucks at dice rolling!” Said player is my wife.)

How did that happen? Well, it’s mostly the fault of the board game Lords of Waterdeep, I’ve been playing it a lot and when combined with the recent release of the 5th Edition of Dungeons and Dragons, this gave me the urge to run it. (I’m still hoping to win another game of Waterdeep someday). Now armed with the Starter Set (Provided by one of my players), I set forth on this mighty quest!

Anyhow, I thought I’d document my group’s adventures, both to tell help their story and to help me remember what they’ve been doing when the next part of the adventure rolls around. (Before my players complain, any inaccuracies are my fault and mine alone)

The party consists of:

Syllian Ilphekir, High Elf Wizard

Lidda Greenbottle, Halfling Rogue

Chester Mansfield, Human Fighter

Cariel Corlinn, Human Fighter

Finellen Rockseeker, Dwarven Cleric

Having been asked by their friend and patron Gundren Rockseeker to escort a wagonload of supplies from the city of Neverwinter to the town of Phandalin (For the princely sum of 10 Gold Pieces each!), they found their patrons horses dead on the road and were swiftly attacked by Goblin bandits. Easily disposing of them, they followed the Goblin’s trail, encountering first a snare trap (Which Lidda set off while attempting to disable) and a pit trap (Which almost all of the party fell into while trying to jump over) Continuing further down the trail, they found a mysterious cave and decided to investigate, as all proper adventurers do.

What followed included: setting part of the countryside on fire to flush out some Goblins from cover, an attempt to placate three chained up wolves almost resulting in death for Chester, Cariels quite spectacular climbing and jumping career almost coming to an end, Finellen doing a spectacular power slide between a pair of Goblins, a hand axe in each fist and an innovative negotiation technique involving the severed head of the Bugbear and a frankly insultingly small ransom offer.

Goblins were murdered (Some were left alive though – hello recurring nemesis!), treasure was looted (Not enough for the party’s liking), Gundren’s warrior friend Sildar Hallwinter was rescued and it was discovered that the Goblins were working for a mysterious being known only as… the Black Spider! [DUN DUN DUNH!] With the Goblin’s hideout (mostly) cleared, the party are now set to resume their journey to Phandalin. If only they knew what lurks there… [MANIACAL LAUGH]

We’ll hopefully be resuming in a few weeks to continue, where some of the many questions may be answered. Questions like is Gundren Rockseeker still alive? Where is this Cragmaw Castle the Goblins mentioned? And who is the Black Spider? Stay tuned to find out!