Three simple words…

So, uhhh. Long-time no write? I’d like to claim that I’ve been doing something super-secret, but that’d be bullshit on par with the Abbot government’s climate policy. Mostly I’ve been writing games for conventions (My last one was Doctor Who based, the next involves Ewoks, but more on that later) and spending TOO MUCH GODDAMNED TIME at work. Moving along, it’s time to talk the thing that virtually everyone is talking about today. Be warned the prose may get a little purple.

Three words. Three simple words, by themselves perfectly innocuous, but when joined are more powerful than you can possibly imagine: “Chewie, we’re home.” And with that, my heart skipped a beat and both I and my inner child were weeping with joy.

Have your eyeballs exploded with joy and nostalgia? I know mine did.

I’ve been trying to describe my feelings for the trailer, but the best I’ve been able to come up with compared it to the awe and reverence I held for Elle McPherson when I was 14, a line that earned me a well deserved glare from my wife. I can’t properly put into words just how life-changing the original films were for me, but one of my earliest memories is of seeing Return of the Jedi at a neighbour’s house and I’m guessing it made one hell of an impression. I’m pretty sure I had little to no idea who these people were or what was going on, but from that day on the hum of a lightsaber was permanently seared into my eardrums and remains to this day. (At least, what little of my eardrums my niece, godson and love of heavy metal have left me.)

I could complain about the lack of Leia and the relative lack of female characters, (Which ties in somewhat with Hasbro’s pretty fucking terrible record concerning action figures of female characters), but given the encouraging statement from Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, that seems set to change. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. (There’s also no Lando, but we knew he wasn’t going to be appearing. He is getting his own comic series though.) True, we don’t know if the mysterious Sith, or the Chrome Trooper are female, but getting more than one female character is an encouraging sign. That’s pretty bloody depressing, now that I think about it.

As for the contents of the trailer, everything seems to be in a blur. Luke’s narration, pinched from Return of the Jedi, but referring to Vader with the line “My father has it.” Does that mean that Vader has returned? Parts of the internet seem to think so, with the glimpse of his melted helmet only intensifying that. (Surely Abrams has learned from the John Harrison fiasco to not pull that stunt again?) We saw the exchange of a very familiar lightsaber (I’m looking forward to the explanation of where it’s been all these years), a robot hand (presumably Luke’s) patting R2, the cute rolling droid (Which was a practical effect, not CG), the Millennium Falcon flying around the inside of a crashed (and upside down) Super Star Destroyer, X-Wings in formation, explosions, new stormtroopers (one in chrome with a cape!) and the mysterious Sith with the funky cross guard lightsaber ripping things up. And then that moment – Han and Chewie back in the Falcon, which I’m going to assume they haven’t owned for some time. Damn you Abrams for punching me right in the feels… Oh, I want that jacket that Han is wearing. NOW. Costumers, do your thing!

Compare that to the leaked trailer for Batman vs Superman. SPOILERS: It’s dark. Being filmed on a mobile phone doesn’t help it, but it’s not a great impression when all you can say is Affleck’s Bat-Voice isn’t as stupid as Christian Bale’s was. I’m pretty sure that Zack Snyder has missed the point of Superman, or is purposely trying to tank DC Comics movie division. The TV they’ve been making has been fantastic, but the non-Batman movies are well… less so. And whoever is in charge of the Suicide Squad movie – not hiring CCH Pounder to play Amanda Waller is a really stupid decision. Let me put it this way: The Flash is about to give us a sentient, telepathic gorilla, Arrow has given us the boxing glove arrow and yet we still can’t get a Wonder Woman movie made, though that film has lost and gained a director in the space of a week. True, Marvel aren’t much better in that department, but A: they have the advantage of having set up a shared universe earlier and B: the Marvel films, for all their flaws, are stupid amounts of fun. Still, so long as someone dubs over Jason Momoa’s Aquaman with Batman: The Brave and the Bold’s I’ll be happy.

I’ll leave you with the idea for my next con game: Black Ops Ewoks. Try and tell me you don’t want to play a meter tall cuddly murder machine. You can’t can you?

Character Generation: The Odyssey

First off, in some unrelated good news – Skindred are working on their latest album, Testament are halfway through theirs and the rumblings about Iron Maiden recording (combined with their most recent Christmas card having an anagram of the word tour on it), which means I’m going to be one happy head-banger this year.

Anyhow, the actual point of this entry: Characters. They’re the second most annoying thing about RPG’s, I find the first being choosing names for said characters. Most people will have one or two ideas, and settle on one without too much trouble. I’m the opposite. Ideas pour out of my brain in a flood and like floods, most of them tend to be awful. It takes a lot of sifting through the garbage to find either A: a workable concept that’s going to be fun to play for more than two sessions and B: something I’m going to be able to play well. There’s no point in playing a character that I know I’m going to be shithouse at, unless the plan is to completely sabotage things and that’s just not that fun.

BE WARNED: I’m not just going to tell you about my character, I’m going to tell you about characters I’m not playing.

So, there’s two LARP’s I’m looking at playing in – the first is Clans of Elgardt, a fantasy LARP. Now, given it’s roughly based on Medieval Europe, you’d expect some sort of crusader or barbarian (Especially given my beard at the moment). Nope! Instead, I’m planning a character from the shifting sands of Kharmen, a desert region where the locals ride ships on the sand that are greased with stomach acids from the Dragon Snakes of the area. It’s no shirtless Viking with axes out the wazoo, but it’s still pretty fucking metal. (If you disagree, please remember Iron Maiden wrote a song about Dune and it doesn’t get much more metal than that.)

There was also the following exchange with my wife:

ME: Basically, it means I’d be dressed like Ardeth Bey.

WIFE: Who?

ME: Oded Fehr, from The Mummy.

WIFE: [BRIEF LOOK OF SHOCK, FOLLOWED BY NOISE BEST DESCRIBED AS PURRING] Yes, you could do that…

Now I’ll admit that choosing a character based on the reaction of your spouse to the costume is far from the most optimal way to do things, BUT IT’S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW. Besides, I still remember the look on her face when I took her to her first LARP and emerged dressed as a pirate. She was happy. [FADE TO BLACK] The other advantage of this is I’ll mostly be dressed in light linen/cotton robes that means I’ll be able to costume in the Australian summer and not DIE IMMEDIATELY of heatstroke, which is a really useful thing.

The second is Horizon, a game set in the world of Warhammer 40,000 from the Games Workshop miniatures game. For those of you not familiar with the setting the phrase ‘In the GRIMDARKNESS of the GRIMDARK far future there is only GRIMDARK‘ should sum it up nicely.

I’ve been kicking around a bunch of ideas for the last few weeks, most of them unworkable or little more than a one-note joke. Now, I did finally decide on one, but first, here’s the ideas I didn’t choose. Hey, you were warned.

The first was a Scum (Yes, that is a character class), who makes a living modifying and selling weaponry. The twist is, he’s actually working for an Inquisitor, who’s told him to keep being useful and he won’t get shot. There’s the hope of becoming one of his acolytes, because I’d love to enter a room and yell “Imperial Inquisition!” and watch the resulting mess of cries of “WHAT?” and “I wasn’t expecting that…” Dick move, but a hopefully amusing one. Next was a former Imperial Navy pilot turned smuggler (Gee, I wonder where that idea came from…), with the third a Preacher formerly attached to an Imperial Guard unit, who carried a prayer book and flamethrower. (In 40K, a fire and brimstone approach to religion tends to feature real fire.)

However, the idea I settled on was a Rogue Trader, but one born on a Forge World What is that you ask? Think a merchant ship captain with far too much power who was born on a wold that’s a giant factory ruled over by priests who worship technology despite having no idea how to build most of it. It’s an odd mess, but so is most of the 40K setting. I’m still sorting out the finer details (Personality, family members etc), but it’s coming together quite nicely and gives me the chance for some elaborate costume, which as you should know by now, is half the reason I LARP.

Mmmm head tubes. Sexy, sexy head tubes.

So yeah, that’s been where most of my spare brain power has been devoted of late. Until next time, be seeing you…

I almost killed someone with a greased up wolf.

That’s not as strange as it sounds. Actually, in the world of Dungeons and Dragons it’s positively normal. But it’s still not something I say every day.

How did this happen? It’s simple: take one angry Bugbear and his pet wolf, add a well-placed Grease spell and an open flame and it’s finger licking good time. Mind you, one of the PC’s attempts to murder the wolf got them almost killed, and I would have come close with another had I not rolled snake eyes on the Bugbears damage roll. 2D8 + 2 damage and I roll double 1’s… (Those who’ve gamed with me before know that sort of thing is standard for my dice rolling, as one of my players commented gleefully “It’s great that Gav’s our DM, cause he sucks at dice rolling!” Said player is my wife.)

How did that happen? Well, it’s mostly the fault of the board game Lords of Waterdeep, I’ve been playing it a lot and when combined with the recent release of the 5th Edition of Dungeons and Dragons, this gave me the urge to run it. (I’m still hoping to win another game of Waterdeep someday). Now armed with the Starter Set (Provided by one of my players), I set forth on this mighty quest!

Anyhow, I thought I’d document my group’s adventures, both to tell help their story and to help me remember what they’ve been doing when the next part of the adventure rolls around. (Before my players complain, any inaccuracies are my fault and mine alone)

The party consists of:

Syllian Ilphekir, High Elf Wizard

Lidda Greenbottle, Halfling Rogue

Chester Mansfield, Human Fighter

Cariel Corlinn, Human Fighter

Finellen Rockseeker, Dwarven Cleric

Having been asked by their friend and patron Gundren Rockseeker to escort a wagonload of supplies from the city of Neverwinter to the town of Phandalin (For the princely sum of 10 Gold Pieces each!), they found their patrons horses dead on the road and were swiftly attacked by Goblin bandits. Easily disposing of them, they followed the Goblin’s trail, encountering first a snare trap (Which Lidda set off while attempting to disable) and a pit trap (Which almost all of the party fell into while trying to jump over) Continuing further down the trail, they found a mysterious cave and decided to investigate, as all proper adventurers do.

What followed included: setting part of the countryside on fire to flush out some Goblins from cover, an attempt to placate three chained up wolves almost resulting in death for Chester, Cariels quite spectacular climbing and jumping career almost coming to an end, Finellen doing a spectacular power slide between a pair of Goblins, a hand axe in each fist and an innovative negotiation technique involving the severed head of the Bugbear and a frankly insultingly small ransom offer.

Goblins were murdered (Some were left alive though – hello recurring nemesis!), treasure was looted (Not enough for the party’s liking), Gundren’s warrior friend Sildar Hallwinter was rescued and it was discovered that the Goblins were working for a mysterious being known only as… the Black Spider! [DUN DUN DUNH!] With the Goblin’s hideout (mostly) cleared, the party are now set to resume their journey to Phandalin. If only they knew what lurks there… [MANIACAL LAUGH]

We’ll hopefully be resuming in a few weeks to continue, where some of the many questions may be answered. Questions like is Gundren Rockseeker still alive? Where is this Cragmaw Castle the Goblins mentioned? And who is the Black Spider? Stay tuned to find out!

A review: The Hobbit 3: More Legolas Edition!

At last it has come – the third and final part of Peter Jackson’s unnecessarily long and overly bloated adaption of The Hobbit, a book you can read in less time than it takes to watch the films! Here be dragons, complaining, anti-Elf sentiment and some spoilers…

My initial impression is much the same as it was for the second film: We get it Peter Jackson. You like Elves. YOU CAN STOP IT NOW.

What, you want more detail? There’s many of his trademarks from the previous films – slow motion brooding, screams of “Noooo!”, call forwards to the Rings trilogy, unneeded and in some cases downright bizarre changes from the source material and increasingly ridiculous weapons and armour. Oh, and Elves hogging the spotlight. But we’ll get to them later…

Let’s start with the positives. Cosplayers, LARP’ers and D&D players will be incredibly happy about this. The costuming and design work is gorgeous, as always, though a lot of the weapons and armour go from the typical ‘fantasy’ style to just flat out absurd. Martin Freeman does very well without doing a direct impression of Ian Holm (His goodbye to the Dwarves is wonderful), Richard Armitage continues have a voice that makes me all kinds of tingly, while the rest of the Dwarves do what they can with the few tiny crumbs of dialogue they have. It’s wonderfully true to the book in that way, which is one of the few ways it is. I suspect much of that will wind up in the Extended Edition, which is a mercy given the bloated length of the previous film. Christopher Lee’s brief appearance immediately improves things, because he’s Christopher freaking Lee, as does Billy Connolly, who plays Dain Ironfoot as an angry drunk Glaswegian. (How he didn’t get cast in Braveheart I’ll never know) And Billy Boyd’s song over the end credits, while not Neil Finn’s Song of the Lonely Mountain, is far from terrible.

Special mention has to go to the gorgeous armour that the Dwarves find in Erebor, much of which they discard before charging into battle. Mind you, given how effective the Orcs plate-mail was, I’m not surprised they didn’t bother to wear it. (Though I’m curious as to how effective a mail shirt is when you don’t button it up in the middle) And don’t get me started on the Trolls, either the mobile catapults or the battering ram. Furthermore, I’d been looking forward to seeing the White Council’s assault on Dol Guldur, it’s just a pity that Gandalf didn’t get to do much, if anything, in it. That ranks up there with Bard using his son as an arrow rest, Bard’s cart born assault on a troll (That was this films version of Legolas’s shield surfing during Helms Deep) or the pratflling of Aldric Lickspittle, a cut rate Grima Wormtongue by way of Are You Being Served.

And yes, Jackson’s Elf fetish is in full strength. Before you say anything, I have no issue with the addition of Tauriel. Adding a female character into the film is fine by me, as there aren’t any in the book. I’m not quite so hot about the romance between her and Kili, dragged out for maximum drama that it is, but it could have been far worse than it was. Thranduil is still a dick, as per his previous appearances, though he does get his Drizzt on during the battle. And then we come to Legolas… Now, given he’s Thranduil’s son, his appearance is understandable. The amount of screen-time he gets and what he gets to do onscreen, that’s another matter. From slaying Orcs left right and centre, bouncing around like he’s in a video game (To the sustained laughter of parts of the audience and a barely restrained “Oh, for fucks sake” from me) and basically upstaging the Dwarves at almost every moment. Yes, the Elves are an immortal bunch of stuck up prats who act as though they’re better than everyone else, but the Dwarves are meant to be the stars of the film – I’m pretty sure that Legolas gets more dialogue than almost half of the Dwarves combined. And people look at me funny when I say I dislike Elves…

Did I enjoy it? More than the second one. It does feel artificially extended, like butter scraped over too much bread… I’d put Jackson into the same category as George Lucas – he’s very capable, but needs to be told ‘No’ every so often, or failing that have it written into his contract that his film can only be so long. (I’d love to see the original plan for the two movies adaption – I think that would have been far superior) So yeah, in some ways I want to see more, but at the same time I’m glad it’s over. 3 stars out of five.

(And I still haven’t managed to spot Stephen Colbert in his cameo…)

It’s only rock and roll, but I bloody love it.

Today has been One of Those Days. The lead up to Christmas in television land is always fairly awful, filled with deadlines and system breakages. There are a few things that can help me get through this without going nuts. My wife. My hobbies. Friends and family. But rock and/or roll music is possibly what helps the most. Those who know me should be well aware of my obsession with Iron Maiden, the Ramones and Radio Birdman, so I’m going to talk about some of the slightly more obscure bands on my playlist at the moment.

The Bellrays:

Easy description: The MC5 fronted by Tina Turner.

Take a garage rock band, put a top of the line soul singer on vocals and you get the Bellrays. Capable of stunning beauty and ferocious rage, they play a mix of rock and soul like few other bands I’ve heard. Look, just watch this and try to tell me I’m wrong:

Maximum rock and soul!

Gloryhammer:

Easy description: Early 80’s D&D games set to music.

A side project from the singer of Scottish pirate metallers Alestorm, they’re both amazing and silly in equal measure. The band’s first album, ‘Tales from the Kingdom of Fife’ is based around an alternate history of Scotland, where the evil wizard Zargothrax invades the city of Dundee with an army of undead unicorns under his control. If that sentence doesn’t make you either A: pick up a set of dice or B: want to air guitar, then this band may not be for you.

Any band that wears armour on stage, they have my attention.

The Hellacopters:

Easy description: A guitar solo looking for a song

Started by former Entombed drummer Nicke Andersson (Who shifted to guitars and lead vocals), they evolved from a scrappy bunch of maniacs (Debut album Supershitty to the Max! was recorded and mixed in 26 hours) to classic rockers in the MC5/Sonics Rendezvous Band tradition (Andersson started a soul project with Rendevous Band singer Scott Morgan called The Solution, whose albums are worth hunting down) Never ones to let good sense get in the way of a guitar solo, they split amicably in 2008 – a promised live album from the final tour still hasn’t materialised.

Or as I call it, my teenage years

Other bands I could talk about include the Powder Monkeys (An Australian Motorhead), the Dictators (Whose debut Go Girl Crazy! predates the Ramones), the Lime Spiders (Whose classic song Slave Girl was on the playlist at my wedding, but owing the incompetent DJ’s didn’t play) or the Celtic folk/punk rock of Flogging Molly and the Dropkick Murphys. But that is another story…

Musings

There are many things that annoy me.

Some have said too many things, and I’d agree with that. I also agree with the people who think I should see someone about this, to try to identify the cause and maybe help me mellow a little. But, no matter what I do, I can’t help having to restrain myself from a ‘Malcolm Tucker meets the Hulk’ level of grand fury (Also a great album by The Bellrays) upon seeing a badly stacked dishwasher full of un-rinsed dishes. We all have our irrational hatreds…

In other thoughts, a question that’s been plaguing me of late: ‘How is Mark Gatiss’s work on Sherlock so good, and yet his Doctor Who’s are so average?’ Yes, I’m one of the few that are on record as enjoying Victory of the Daleks and Dame Diana Rigg’s scenery chewing in The Crimson Horror was a delight, but that’s balanced by the relative blandness of The Idiot’s Lantern and Robot of Sherwood. No, I don’t think Robot was as bad as some say (It’s no Fear Her or The Time Monster), but I’d put money on it working better for Matt Smith’s Doctor. I’ve really enjoyed Capaldi’s Doctor, even when the stories haven’t been as good. I won’t go into spoiler territory (As my wife will read this and she’s not caught up yet), but I think this year has gone really well, despite an un-named recurring monster still not getting very much to do despite great hope.

There’s also the whole ‘everyone has heard of the Doctor and seems to worships him’ aspect, which has mercifully been cut back of late. I don’t know exactly why it irritates me, but it does. That may be due to my increasing hostility (To further escalate the hyperbole) to the Tenth Doctor, or I’m just a cranky old git. It’s a combination of Russell T Davies not being able to write a season ender if his life depended on it (See Last of the Time Lords or Journey’s End) and the way that Tennant’s Doctor was being written (Tooth and Claw and The Shakespeare Code come to mind first). People have died, many of them messily and horribly, and you’re joking about getting the Queen to say ‘We are not amused’? Fuck you. Another script run through might have picked that up a bit – it also could have made Nightmare in Silver a bit less shit (It was well acted for the most part, but I hated those two children).

I guess I just prefer the ‘mysterious stranger arrives and horrible stuff happens’ approach to the show, cause there’s more, well, mystery. (Yes, very fucking profound) It’s the era I grew up with (I have a weird mishmash of the 7^th and 4^th Doctor themes in my head and can still remember my first cliff-hanger – Ep 1 of The Deadly Assassin) and that I identify most with. Mind you, as my wife pointed out, with her wonderful knack for irritating logic, the former is a natural consequence of the latter, so yes. (I still have hope that someday I’ll win one of those arguments, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

I still remember the feeling of ‘what the hell is this?’ when I saw that moment…

Lastly, I’ve been contemplating joining another LARP and the system has all but guaranteed I’m going to play Rogues and nothing but Rogues. Why? Because the damage system requires the player to call “Sneak Attack” before striking and being a long-time fan of the webcomic The Order of the Stick, that’s an opportunity I can’t pass up. Ah, so you’re distracted by reading this are you? SNEAK ATTACK!

You Rebel scum…

So yeah, it’s been a while… *cough*

It’s been an amazing week for nostalgia, with the re-release of classic space combat games X-Wing and TIE Fighter. My response to this has ranged from an initial scream of HOLY ZARQUON SINGING FISH to having to restrain myself from squealing with joy (Hey, I was at work) to walking round with a grin on my face so wide that it threatened to snap my face in half. And this is in the same week that Captain Marvel and Black Panther movies got announced, so it’s not like I’m short of geekgasm.

That’s basically how I looked when I first saw the press release.

Those games are a massive part of my adolesence, since it’s not like I was doing things like partying, drinking or spending time with the fairer sex. Ahem… X-Wing let me live out a childhood dream of taking part in the attack of the first Death Star, which I then never managed to complete owing to it being ludicrously difficult. TIE Fighter, on the other hand, was where I took my first steps on the dark path and found that playing the bad guys can be incredibly fun. (See the TV show Leverage for more of that) It also had several features that X-Wing lacked, such as backing up your scores if you got killed, being able to match speed with your target and the TIE Defender, the most broken Starfighter EVER. You also got a second campaign, where if you talked a with a mysterious Cloaked Figure, and completed a bunch of hidden objectives, you got an awesome tattoo slowly branded on your arm by FORCE LIGHTNING, a tattoo that I’m unashamed to admit I wanted badly when I was 14, and still do a little at 34.

See – told you it was awesome.

Just flying a TIE Fighter itself was amazing – the sound of the things is practically engraved on my eardrums. Hell, the only reason I’m writing this and not playing the games is my lack of a joystick, something I intend to rectify over the weekend. Then I’ll be 14 again, it’ll be back to my youth, or at least the bits of it I actually like remembering. Now, if they can also re-release X-Wing vs TIE Fighter and X-Wing Alliance, then I may be so happy the universe will shatter.

PS: I still want one of the Imperial Officer uniform caps, despite the fact I’m sure I’d look ludicrous in it. But I did once buy a pair of WW2 flying goggles solely to wear to a Crimson Skies Clix tourney, so I have some history in that department.

Sydcon 2014: A Report

So, what did I do at Sydcon? Feel ill mostly. I bought the board game Tsuro, an expansion for Pandemic and some wonderful art. Didn’t buy any dice though, which might be part of the reason why I was so sick.

I did get the chance to play Havoc Brigade, an incredibly amusing game about a bunch of semi competent Orcs (Or possibly a pile of Goblins) on a suicide mission to capture a Human prince. I got to play a pirate caption (Without a ship mind you) and managed to score an award for not using anything but the front door, or a hole blown in the wall by an explosion. Oh, and did I mention I started out dressed in an outfit the Sixth Doctor would consider garish and later upgraded to a coat that Rob Halford would think a little over the top*? Much fun and well worth your time, but I think that of anything that encourages you to speak in stupid accents.

My game (Also about a bunch of semi competent Orcs, but these are musicians!) ran twice, with both groups of players seeming to have enjoyed themselves. (I say seeming, cause of self-doubt more than anything else.) Having people say they saw your name on the GM’s list and immediately signed up is a hell of a thing – flattering and terrifying in equal measure. Could I have handled the game better? Probably. I have a tendency to indulge my players too much when they’re enjoying themselves, which can derail things even further than I normally do. Eh. It’s not like my games are structure heavy to begin with – go play WoD if you want that sort of thing! (It’s not that I have issues with World of Darkness games, just they tend to feature things like strong emotions, harsh decisions and ‘issues’, things my games mostly ignore in favour of bad accents and explosions. I’m like Michael Bay in that respect.)

The big question is will I write another game featuring these characters?

A: Probably not. I have an idea or two for a third game (They wake an actual Tarrasque and are told ‘You woke it up, you kill it”), but the second was a lot more of a struggle to write. It was fun, don’t get me wrong, but it felt more like work to write rather than fun. Part of that may be due to my state of mind at the moment, but that’s something for another time. It’s not like I’m short of other projects anyhow. Some of which, I shall detail below!

A Conan the Barbarian freeform: In the Rats Nest tavern in Arenjun the City of Thieves, a wretched hive of scum and villainy even by Zamoran standards, something incredibly valuable has been stolen, though what and by whom is not yet known. The person who did the stealing is there, as if the fence they’re selling it to, and the person who commissioned the theft in the first place. Along with several people who could use the item, exchange the item for goods and/or services or just want to get it to screw someone else over. (Those individuals have no idea who each other are though.) Skullduggery, backstabbing and shenanigans occur, or hopefully will if it get’s written. (Yes, I did recently re-watch Conan the Barbarian and it’s just as awesome as I remember)

A Deadlands freeform: A post-apocalyptic western, set in a small town that’s hosting both an election for Sheriff and a poker tournament. Co-writing this one with some friends and will hopefully make some movement on it soon. Also, one of my co-writers hasn’t yet seen The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, which I need to rectify regardless.

[SPOILERS] tabletop: A super- secret project that I refuse to spoil. Which I can’t anyway, as it’s not written yet! All I’ll say is that it involves a large blue box…

Enough for now. Sleep beckons, hopefully. (Smoke detectors are lovely, but when they decide to let you know the battery is running low at 5:30 in the morning, they’re less useful…)

* The alternative version of that joke was ‘had more medals than a third world dictator‘

Some thoughts on fandom

So yeah, the silence. *cough* Been busy writing other projects, new job etc. In an effort to post something, anything, here’s some thoughts on Doctor Who fandom.

I swear from the tone of some of the anti Steven Moffat comments I’ve seen of late, it’s like they think watching the new season is equivalent to being strapped down Clockwork Orange style and forced to watch Attack of the Cybermen on loop. (That’s one for the Classic Era fans – people who’ve only seen new Who can substitute either Fear Her, Love and Monsters or The Rings of Akhaten in it’s place) I’m just struggling to understand the sheer level of vitriol that’s been thrown his way over the last few weeks. Yeah, the episodes haven’t been as fantastic as we might have hoped (Robot of Sherwood wasn’t great, but I really enjoyed Into the Dalek), but they’ve been in no way deserving of the level of abuse I’ve seen.

That’s the facial expression I pull whenever I watch Attack

I get it, you don’t like his work. That’s fine – everyone’s free to have opinions and I welcome that. The world would be incredibly dull were it one giant hive mind that agreed on everything. (Even if that was something that should be agreed upon, like how amazing the Ramones are) I’m not a huge fan of a fair chunk of his more recent work, but he hasn’t done anything on the scale of marrying Martha and Mickey. (Yes, that’s right – make sure the two black companions who’ve had no previous interest in each other should get together when she was already engaged to someone else. Thanks Russell T Davies!) There’s been ups and downs all through the show’s history – for every story as good as The Time Warrior we’ve had The Time Monster. Something as magnificent as The Caves of Androzani and something as rubbish as Time Flight.The horror of Time and the Rani is contrasted by the glory of The Happiness Patrol.(Fair warning: dislike Androzani and I mock you on the internet. Dislike Happiness and PISTOLS AT 10 PACES!) Give it a year or two, we’ll get a change of production team and a show that might be more to your taste again, or just give you more to bitch about. Or maybe you’re one of those people who will never be satisfied by anything Who ever does, in which case you’re dangerously close to turning into Ian Levine and one of him is, frankly, more than enough. (Yes, he returned a lot of missing episodes and saved many others. but he also produced Take That’s first single.)

*looks into mirror* Kandyman, Kandyman, Kandyman!

I guess what I’m trying to say is calm the hell down – it’s just a TV show. (Yes, it’s somewhat hypocritical of me to say that, but I’m trying a sense of perspective out. It’s still new and shiny!) Put that anger toward something more productive, like curing cancer, fighting for social change, reversing the planned ABC budget cuts or just going out and mocking Jacqui Lambie. As much importance as I place on Who (And believe me, it’s a lot), I know there’s far more important things out there. But while Who is on, they can get stuffed!

Dominion, a review

Things I did not expect to hear this week: Anthony Stewart Head doing an American accent.

Things I did not expect to see this week: Anthony Stewart Head’s face mid-blowjob.

Look, we had to mention that first, it’s very much the elephant in the room. I’d say it’s testament to Head’s skill as an actor that he can emerge dignity intact from this, but he managed that in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and that not only starred Nicholas Cage, but had a cameo from Christopher Lambert. (In short: it’s far from a good film, but a very entertaining one)

So, I got to watch the pilot for the new SyFy show Dominion this week and I’m going to write about it. I’ve not seen the film it’s based on (The 2010 film Legion, starring Paul Bettany), but when has that stopped me before? To bring you up to speed, a war in Heaven has kicked off, thanks to God vanishing. (Where is he, off playing skee ball?) The Archangel Gabriel, who thinks mankind is unworthy, has convinced a large number of angels to wipe out humanity thinking it will bring God back. The Archangel Michael, however, sided with humanity and now lives among them, waiting for the prophesied Chosen One to appear. (dun-dun-DUN!)

Dominion- Season 1 Our main cast.

It’s now 25 years after the events of the film. Humanity has mostly collapsed and now lives in giant walled cities. We meet our hero, Alex Lannon (Christopher Egan) on a scavenging trip outside the walls, where he encounters 3 humans possessed by Angels, (referred to as 8-Balls and no, I’m not making that up), gets in a fight and has to flee back to Vega, a city built on the ruins of Las Vegas. It’s a well done sequence that sets the tone of the rest of the pilot, in which we get long sections of exposition delivered straighter than the straightest thing you can think of, mercifully interrupted by explosions.

The two leaders in Vega are Consul David Wheele (Anthony Head) and General Edward Reisen (Alan Dale), who spend most of their time glowering at each other, at least when Head isn’t chewing the scenery with his shiny new American accent. It takes some getting used to, like watching something dubbed in another language that also happens to be English. Wheele is a former televangelist, while Reisen is the military leader who helped win the last war and establish Vega. I think you can guess who’s the dodgier of the two… There’s also the standard bunch of supporting characters – the secret girlfriend (Who’s the daughter of one of the city leaders), several fellow soldiers and a cute orphan girl I’m sure is destined to either A: be intensely irritating or B: get killed off at a dramatically appropriate moment. She’s no Adric (thankfully), but she’s also no Newt.

The pilot proceeds along the expected lines, but in a neat surprise we find out the identity of the Chosen One, which is a blessed relief – I was dreading episode after episode of the characters trying to work it out while I hurl abuse at the screen telling them to hurry up. We won’t tell you who, but I’m pretty sure you can work it out for yourselves. It’s not the identity that’s the surprise, more that they got it out of the way nice and early, preparing us for the inevitable ‘I’m not sure I can do this’ episode, the ‘acceptance of my destiny’ episode and if Arrow has taught me anything, many a shirtless training montage.

I’m still waiting for him to yell “Squadron 40, DIVE!”

Can we recommend this? If you’re a fan of supernatural shows, then yeah. Maybe if you enjoy post-apocalyptic clichés, are looking for costuming ideas for upcoming LARP’s (The whole modern dress mixed with ancient Rome is an interesting look) or just want to watch Anthony Stewart Head chewing scenery. (I mean, who doesn’t want to see that?) Look, if you’re expecting the next Game of Thrones, you’ll be disappointed. But there’s a good chance this could turn into something decent, or at the very least, entertainingly crazy. Only time, or Wikipedia, will tell…