I almost killed someone with a greased up wolf.

That’s not as strange as it sounds. Actually, in the world of Dungeons and Dragons it’s positively normal. But it’s still not something I say every day.

How did this happen? It’s simple: take one angry Bugbear and his pet wolf, add a well-placed Grease spell and an open flame and it’s finger licking good time. Mind you, one of the PC’s attempts to murder the wolf got them almost killed, and I would have come close with another had I not rolled snake eyes on the Bugbears damage roll. 2D8 + 2 damage and I roll double 1’s… (Those who’ve gamed with me before know that sort of thing is standard for my dice rolling, as one of my players commented gleefully “It’s great that Gav’s our DM, cause he sucks at dice rolling!” Said player is my wife.)

How did that happen? Well, it’s mostly the fault of the board game Lords of Waterdeep, I’ve been playing it a lot and when combined with the recent release of the 5th Edition of Dungeons and Dragons, this gave me the urge to run it. (I’m still hoping to win another game of Waterdeep someday). Now armed with the Starter Set (Provided by one of my players), I set forth on this mighty quest!

Anyhow, I thought I’d document my group’s adventures, both to tell help their story and to help me remember what they’ve been doing when the next part of the adventure rolls around. (Before my players complain, any inaccuracies are my fault and mine alone)

The party consists of:

Syllian Ilphekir, High Elf Wizard

Lidda Greenbottle, Halfling Rogue

Chester Mansfield, Human Fighter

Cariel Corlinn, Human Fighter

Finellen Rockseeker, Dwarven Cleric

Having been asked by their friend and patron Gundren Rockseeker to escort a wagonload of supplies from the city of Neverwinter to the town of Phandalin (For the princely sum of 10 Gold Pieces each!), they found their patrons horses dead on the road and were swiftly attacked by Goblin bandits. Easily disposing of them, they followed the Goblin’s trail, encountering first a snare trap (Which Lidda set off while attempting to disable) and a pit trap (Which almost all of the party fell into while trying to jump over) Continuing further down the trail, they found a mysterious cave and decided to investigate, as all proper adventurers do.

What followed included: setting part of the countryside on fire to flush out some Goblins from cover, an attempt to placate three chained up wolves almost resulting in death for Chester, Cariels quite spectacular climbing and jumping career almost coming to an end, Finellen doing a spectacular power slide between a pair of Goblins, a hand axe in each fist and an innovative negotiation technique involving the severed head of the Bugbear and a frankly insultingly small ransom offer.

Goblins were murdered (Some were left alive though – hello recurring nemesis!), treasure was looted (Not enough for the party’s liking), Gundren’s warrior friend Sildar Hallwinter was rescued and it was discovered that the Goblins were working for a mysterious being known only as… the Black Spider! [DUN DUN DUNH!] With the Goblin’s hideout (mostly) cleared, the party are now set to resume their journey to Phandalin. If only they knew what lurks there… [MANIACAL LAUGH]

We’ll hopefully be resuming in a few weeks to continue, where some of the many questions may be answered. Questions like is Gundren Rockseeker still alive? Where is this Cragmaw Castle the Goblins mentioned? And who is the Black Spider? Stay tuned to find out!

A review: The Hobbit 3: More Legolas Edition!

At last it has come – the third and final part of Peter Jackson’s unnecessarily long and overly bloated adaption of The Hobbit, a book you can read in less time than it takes to watch the films! Here be dragons, complaining, anti-Elf sentiment and some spoilers…

My initial impression is much the same as it was for the second film: We get it Peter Jackson. You like Elves. YOU CAN STOP IT NOW.

What, you want more detail? There’s many of his trademarks from the previous films – slow motion brooding, screams of “Noooo!”, call forwards to the Rings trilogy, unneeded and in some cases downright bizarre changes from the source material and increasingly ridiculous weapons and armour. Oh, and Elves hogging the spotlight. But we’ll get to them later…

Let’s start with the positives. Cosplayers, LARP’ers and D&D players will be incredibly happy about this. The costuming and design work is gorgeous, as always, though a lot of the weapons and armour go from the typical ‘fantasy’ style to just flat out absurd. Martin Freeman does very well without doing a direct impression of Ian Holm (His goodbye to the Dwarves is wonderful), Richard Armitage continues have a voice that makes me all kinds of tingly, while the rest of the Dwarves do what they can with the few tiny crumbs of dialogue they have. It’s wonderfully true to the book in that way, which is one of the few ways it is. I suspect much of that will wind up in the Extended Edition, which is a mercy given the bloated length of the previous film. Christopher Lee’s brief appearance immediately improves things, because he’s Christopher freaking Lee, as does Billy Connolly, who plays Dain Ironfoot as an angry drunk Glaswegian. (How he didn’t get cast in Braveheart I’ll never know) And Billy Boyd’s song over the end credits, while not Neil Finn’s Song of the Lonely Mountain, is far from terrible.

Special mention has to go to the gorgeous armour that the Dwarves find in Erebor, much of which they discard before charging into battle. Mind you, given how effective the Orcs plate-mail was, I’m not surprised they didn’t bother to wear it. (Though I’m curious as to how effective a mail shirt is when you don’t button it up in the middle) And don’t get me started on the Trolls, either the mobile catapults or the battering ram. Furthermore, I’d been looking forward to seeing the White Council’s assault on Dol Guldur, it’s just a pity that Gandalf didn’t get to do much, if anything, in it. That ranks up there with Bard using his son as an arrow rest, Bard’s cart born assault on a troll (That was this films version of Legolas’s shield surfing during Helms Deep) or the pratflling of Aldric Lickspittle, a cut rate Grima Wormtongue by way of Are You Being Served.

And yes, Jackson’s Elf fetish is in full strength. Before you say anything, I have no issue with the addition of Tauriel. Adding a female character into the film is fine by me, as there aren’t any in the book. I’m not quite so hot about the romance between her and Kili, dragged out for maximum drama that it is, but it could have been far worse than it was. Thranduil is still a dick, as per his previous appearances, though he does get his Drizzt on during the battle. And then we come to Legolas… Now, given he’s Thranduil’s son, his appearance is understandable. The amount of screen-time he gets and what he gets to do onscreen, that’s another matter. From slaying Orcs left right and centre, bouncing around like he’s in a video game (To the sustained laughter of parts of the audience and a barely restrained “Oh, for fucks sake” from me) and basically upstaging the Dwarves at almost every moment. Yes, the Elves are an immortal bunch of stuck up prats who act as though they’re better than everyone else, but the Dwarves are meant to be the stars of the film – I’m pretty sure that Legolas gets more dialogue than almost half of the Dwarves combined. And people look at me funny when I say I dislike Elves…

Did I enjoy it? More than the second one. It does feel artificially extended, like butter scraped over too much bread… I’d put Jackson into the same category as George Lucas – he’s very capable, but needs to be told ‘No’ every so often, or failing that have it written into his contract that his film can only be so long. (I’d love to see the original plan for the two movies adaption – I think that would have been far superior) So yeah, in some ways I want to see more, but at the same time I’m glad it’s over. 3 stars out of five.

(And I still haven’t managed to spot Stephen Colbert in his cameo…)

It’s only rock and roll, but I bloody love it.

Today has been One of Those Days. The lead up to Christmas in television land is always fairly awful, filled with deadlines and system breakages. There are a few things that can help me get through this without going nuts. My wife. My hobbies. Friends and family. But rock and/or roll music is possibly what helps the most. Those who know me should be well aware of my obsession with Iron Maiden, the Ramones and Radio Birdman, so I’m going to talk about some of the slightly more obscure bands on my playlist at the moment.

The Bellrays:

Easy description: The MC5 fronted by Tina Turner.

Take a garage rock band, put a top of the line soul singer on vocals and you get the Bellrays. Capable of stunning beauty and ferocious rage, they play a mix of rock and soul like few other bands I’ve heard. Look, just watch this and try to tell me I’m wrong:

Maximum rock and soul!

Gloryhammer:

Easy description: Early 80’s D&D games set to music.

A side project from the singer of Scottish pirate metallers Alestorm, they’re both amazing and silly in equal measure. The band’s first album, ‘Tales from the Kingdom of Fife’ is based around an alternate history of Scotland, where the evil wizard Zargothrax invades the city of Dundee with an army of undead unicorns under his control. If that sentence doesn’t make you either A: pick up a set of dice or B: want to air guitar, then this band may not be for you.

Any band that wears armour on stage, they have my attention.

The Hellacopters:

Easy description: A guitar solo looking for a song

Started by former Entombed drummer Nicke Andersson (Who shifted to guitars and lead vocals), they evolved from a scrappy bunch of maniacs (Debut album Supershitty to the Max! was recorded and mixed in 26 hours) to classic rockers in the MC5/Sonics Rendezvous Band tradition (Andersson started a soul project with Rendevous Band singer Scott Morgan called The Solution, whose albums are worth hunting down) Never ones to let good sense get in the way of a guitar solo, they split amicably in 2008 – a promised live album from the final tour still hasn’t materialised.

Or as I call it, my teenage years

Other bands I could talk about include the Powder Monkeys (An Australian Motorhead), the Dictators (Whose debut Go Girl Crazy! predates the Ramones), the Lime Spiders (Whose classic song Slave Girl was on the playlist at my wedding, but owing the incompetent DJ’s didn’t play) or the Celtic folk/punk rock of Flogging Molly and the Dropkick Murphys. But that is another story…

Musings

There are many things that annoy me.

Some have said too many things, and I’d agree with that. I also agree with the people who think I should see someone about this, to try to identify the cause and maybe help me mellow a little. But, no matter what I do, I can’t help having to restrain myself from a ‘Malcolm Tucker meets the Hulk’ level of grand fury (Also a great album by The Bellrays) upon seeing a badly stacked dishwasher full of un-rinsed dishes. We all have our irrational hatreds…

In other thoughts, a question that’s been plaguing me of late: ‘How is Mark Gatiss’s work on Sherlock so good, and yet his Doctor Who’s are so average?’ Yes, I’m one of the few that are on record as enjoying Victory of the Daleks and Dame Diana Rigg’s scenery chewing in The Crimson Horror was a delight, but that’s balanced by the relative blandness of The Idiot’s Lantern and Robot of Sherwood. No, I don’t think Robot was as bad as some say (It’s no Fear Her or The Time Monster), but I’d put money on it working better for Matt Smith’s Doctor. I’ve really enjoyed Capaldi’s Doctor, even when the stories haven’t been as good. I won’t go into spoiler territory (As my wife will read this and she’s not caught up yet), but I think this year has gone really well, despite an un-named recurring monster still not getting very much to do despite great hope.

There’s also the whole ‘everyone has heard of the Doctor and seems to worships him’ aspect, which has mercifully been cut back of late. I don’t know exactly why it irritates me, but it does. That may be due to my increasing hostility (To further escalate the hyperbole) to the Tenth Doctor, or I’m just a cranky old git. It’s a combination of Russell T Davies not being able to write a season ender if his life depended on it (See Last of the Time Lords or Journey’s End) and the way that Tennant’s Doctor was being written (Tooth and Claw and The Shakespeare Code come to mind first). People have died, many of them messily and horribly, and you’re joking about getting the Queen to say ‘We are not amused’? Fuck you. Another script run through might have picked that up a bit – it also could have made Nightmare in Silver a bit less shit (It was well acted for the most part, but I hated those two children).

I guess I just prefer the ‘mysterious stranger arrives and horrible stuff happens’ approach to the show, cause there’s more, well, mystery. (Yes, very fucking profound) It’s the era I grew up with (I have a weird mishmash of the 7^th and 4^th Doctor themes in my head and can still remember my first cliff-hanger – Ep 1 of The Deadly Assassin) and that I identify most with. Mind you, as my wife pointed out, with her wonderful knack for irritating logic, the former is a natural consequence of the latter, so yes. (I still have hope that someday I’ll win one of those arguments, despite all evidence to the contrary.)

I still remember the feeling of ‘what the hell is this?’ when I saw that moment…

Lastly, I’ve been contemplating joining another LARP and the system has all but guaranteed I’m going to play Rogues and nothing but Rogues. Why? Because the damage system requires the player to call “Sneak Attack” before striking and being a long-time fan of the webcomic The Order of the Stick, that’s an opportunity I can’t pass up. Ah, so you’re distracted by reading this are you? SNEAK ATTACK!

You Rebel scum…

So yeah, it’s been a while… *cough*

It’s been an amazing week for nostalgia, with the re-release of classic space combat games X-Wing and TIE Fighter. My response to this has ranged from an initial scream of HOLY ZARQUON SINGING FISH to having to restrain myself from squealing with joy (Hey, I was at work) to walking round with a grin on my face so wide that it threatened to snap my face in half. And this is in the same week that Captain Marvel and Black Panther movies got announced, so it’s not like I’m short of geekgasm.

That’s basically how I looked when I first saw the press release.

Those games are a massive part of my adolesence, since it’s not like I was doing things like partying, drinking or spending time with the fairer sex. Ahem… X-Wing let me live out a childhood dream of taking part in the attack of the first Death Star, which I then never managed to complete owing to it being ludicrously difficult. TIE Fighter, on the other hand, was where I took my first steps on the dark path and found that playing the bad guys can be incredibly fun. (See the TV show Leverage for more of that) It also had several features that X-Wing lacked, such as backing up your scores if you got killed, being able to match speed with your target and the TIE Defender, the most broken Starfighter EVER. You also got a second campaign, where if you talked a with a mysterious Cloaked Figure, and completed a bunch of hidden objectives, you got an awesome tattoo slowly branded on your arm by FORCE LIGHTNING, a tattoo that I’m unashamed to admit I wanted badly when I was 14, and still do a little at 34.

See – told you it was awesome.

Just flying a TIE Fighter itself was amazing – the sound of the things is practically engraved on my eardrums. Hell, the only reason I’m writing this and not playing the games is my lack of a joystick, something I intend to rectify over the weekend. Then I’ll be 14 again, it’ll be back to my youth, or at least the bits of it I actually like remembering. Now, if they can also re-release X-Wing vs TIE Fighter and X-Wing Alliance, then I may be so happy the universe will shatter.

PS: I still want one of the Imperial Officer uniform caps, despite the fact I’m sure I’d look ludicrous in it. But I did once buy a pair of WW2 flying goggles solely to wear to a Crimson Skies Clix tourney, so I have some history in that department.

Sydcon 2014: A Report

So, what did I do at Sydcon? Feel ill mostly. I bought the board game Tsuro, an expansion for Pandemic and some wonderful art. Didn’t buy any dice though, which might be part of the reason why I was so sick.

I did get the chance to play Havoc Brigade, an incredibly amusing game about a bunch of semi competent Orcs (Or possibly a pile of Goblins) on a suicide mission to capture a Human prince. I got to play a pirate caption (Without a ship mind you) and managed to score an award for not using anything but the front door, or a hole blown in the wall by an explosion. Oh, and did I mention I started out dressed in an outfit the Sixth Doctor would consider garish and later upgraded to a coat that Rob Halford would think a little over the top*? Much fun and well worth your time, but I think that of anything that encourages you to speak in stupid accents.

My game (Also about a bunch of semi competent Orcs, but these are musicians!) ran twice, with both groups of players seeming to have enjoyed themselves. (I say seeming, cause of self-doubt more than anything else.) Having people say they saw your name on the GM’s list and immediately signed up is a hell of a thing – flattering and terrifying in equal measure. Could I have handled the game better? Probably. I have a tendency to indulge my players too much when they’re enjoying themselves, which can derail things even further than I normally do. Eh. It’s not like my games are structure heavy to begin with – go play WoD if you want that sort of thing! (It’s not that I have issues with World of Darkness games, just they tend to feature things like strong emotions, harsh decisions and ‘issues’, things my games mostly ignore in favour of bad accents and explosions. I’m like Michael Bay in that respect.)

The big question is will I write another game featuring these characters?

A: Probably not. I have an idea or two for a third game (They wake an actual Tarrasque and are told ‘You woke it up, you kill it”), but the second was a lot more of a struggle to write. It was fun, don’t get me wrong, but it felt more like work to write rather than fun. Part of that may be due to my state of mind at the moment, but that’s something for another time. It’s not like I’m short of other projects anyhow. Some of which, I shall detail below!

A Conan the Barbarian freeform: In the Rats Nest tavern in Arenjun the City of Thieves, a wretched hive of scum and villainy even by Zamoran standards, something incredibly valuable has been stolen, though what and by whom is not yet known. The person who did the stealing is there, as if the fence they’re selling it to, and the person who commissioned the theft in the first place. Along with several people who could use the item, exchange the item for goods and/or services or just want to get it to screw someone else over. (Those individuals have no idea who each other are though.) Skullduggery, backstabbing and shenanigans occur, or hopefully will if it get’s written. (Yes, I did recently re-watch Conan the Barbarian and it’s just as awesome as I remember)

A Deadlands freeform: A post-apocalyptic western, set in a small town that’s hosting both an election for Sheriff and a poker tournament. Co-writing this one with some friends and will hopefully make some movement on it soon. Also, one of my co-writers hasn’t yet seen The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, which I need to rectify regardless.

[SPOILERS] tabletop: A super- secret project that I refuse to spoil. Which I can’t anyway, as it’s not written yet! All I’ll say is that it involves a large blue box…

Enough for now. Sleep beckons, hopefully. (Smoke detectors are lovely, but when they decide to let you know the battery is running low at 5:30 in the morning, they’re less useful…)

* The alternative version of that joke was ‘had more medals than a third world dictator‘

Some thoughts on fandom

So yeah, the silence. *cough* Been busy writing other projects, new job etc. In an effort to post something, anything, here’s some thoughts on Doctor Who fandom.

I swear from the tone of some of the anti Steven Moffat comments I’ve seen of late, it’s like they think watching the new season is equivalent to being strapped down Clockwork Orange style and forced to watch Attack of the Cybermen on loop. (That’s one for the Classic Era fans – people who’ve only seen new Who can substitute either Fear Her, Love and Monsters or The Rings of Akhaten in it’s place) I’m just struggling to understand the sheer level of vitriol that’s been thrown his way over the last few weeks. Yeah, the episodes haven’t been as fantastic as we might have hoped (Robot of Sherwood wasn’t great, but I really enjoyed Into the Dalek), but they’ve been in no way deserving of the level of abuse I’ve seen.

That’s the facial expression I pull whenever I watch Attack

I get it, you don’t like his work. That’s fine – everyone’s free to have opinions and I welcome that. The world would be incredibly dull were it one giant hive mind that agreed on everything. (Even if that was something that should be agreed upon, like how amazing the Ramones are) I’m not a huge fan of a fair chunk of his more recent work, but he hasn’t done anything on the scale of marrying Martha and Mickey. (Yes, that’s right – make sure the two black companions who’ve had no previous interest in each other should get together when she was already engaged to someone else. Thanks Russell T Davies!) There’s been ups and downs all through the show’s history – for every story as good as The Time Warrior we’ve had The Time Monster. Something as magnificent as The Caves of Androzani and something as rubbish as Time Flight.The horror of Time and the Rani is contrasted by the glory of The Happiness Patrol.(Fair warning: dislike Androzani and I mock you on the internet. Dislike Happiness and PISTOLS AT 10 PACES!) Give it a year or two, we’ll get a change of production team and a show that might be more to your taste again, or just give you more to bitch about. Or maybe you’re one of those people who will never be satisfied by anything Who ever does, in which case you’re dangerously close to turning into Ian Levine and one of him is, frankly, more than enough. (Yes, he returned a lot of missing episodes and saved many others. but he also produced Take That’s first single.)

*looks into mirror* Kandyman, Kandyman, Kandyman!

I guess what I’m trying to say is calm the hell down – it’s just a TV show. (Yes, it’s somewhat hypocritical of me to say that, but I’m trying a sense of perspective out. It’s still new and shiny!) Put that anger toward something more productive, like curing cancer, fighting for social change, reversing the planned ABC budget cuts or just going out and mocking Jacqui Lambie. As much importance as I place on Who (And believe me, it’s a lot), I know there’s far more important things out there. But while Who is on, they can get stuffed!

Dominion, a review

Things I did not expect to hear this week: Anthony Stewart Head doing an American accent.

Things I did not expect to see this week: Anthony Stewart Head’s face mid-blowjob.

Look, we had to mention that first, it’s very much the elephant in the room. I’d say it’s testament to Head’s skill as an actor that he can emerge dignity intact from this, but he managed that in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and that not only starred Nicholas Cage, but had a cameo from Christopher Lambert. (In short: it’s far from a good film, but a very entertaining one)

So, I got to watch the pilot for the new SyFy show Dominion this week and I’m going to write about it. I’ve not seen the film it’s based on (The 2010 film Legion, starring Paul Bettany), but when has that stopped me before? To bring you up to speed, a war in Heaven has kicked off, thanks to God vanishing. (Where is he, off playing skee ball?) The Archangel Gabriel, who thinks mankind is unworthy, has convinced a large number of angels to wipe out humanity thinking it will bring God back. The Archangel Michael, however, sided with humanity and now lives among them, waiting for the prophesied Chosen One to appear. (dun-dun-DUN!)

Dominion- Season 1 Our main cast.

It’s now 25 years after the events of the film. Humanity has mostly collapsed and now lives in giant walled cities. We meet our hero, Alex Lannon (Christopher Egan) on a scavenging trip outside the walls, where he encounters 3 humans possessed by Angels, (referred to as 8-Balls and no, I’m not making that up), gets in a fight and has to flee back to Vega, a city built on the ruins of Las Vegas. It’s a well done sequence that sets the tone of the rest of the pilot, in which we get long sections of exposition delivered straighter than the straightest thing you can think of, mercifully interrupted by explosions.

The two leaders in Vega are Consul David Wheele (Anthony Head) and General Edward Reisen (Alan Dale), who spend most of their time glowering at each other, at least when Head isn’t chewing the scenery with his shiny new American accent. It takes some getting used to, like watching something dubbed in another language that also happens to be English. Wheele is a former televangelist, while Reisen is the military leader who helped win the last war and establish Vega. I think you can guess who’s the dodgier of the two… There’s also the standard bunch of supporting characters – the secret girlfriend (Who’s the daughter of one of the city leaders), several fellow soldiers and a cute orphan girl I’m sure is destined to either A: be intensely irritating or B: get killed off at a dramatically appropriate moment. She’s no Adric (thankfully), but she’s also no Newt.

The pilot proceeds along the expected lines, but in a neat surprise we find out the identity of the Chosen One, which is a blessed relief – I was dreading episode after episode of the characters trying to work it out while I hurl abuse at the screen telling them to hurry up. We won’t tell you who, but I’m pretty sure you can work it out for yourselves. It’s not the identity that’s the surprise, more that they got it out of the way nice and early, preparing us for the inevitable ‘I’m not sure I can do this’ episode, the ‘acceptance of my destiny’ episode and if Arrow has taught me anything, many a shirtless training montage.

I’m still waiting for him to yell “Squadron 40, DIVE!”

Can we recommend this? If you’re a fan of supernatural shows, then yeah. Maybe if you enjoy post-apocalyptic clichés, are looking for costuming ideas for upcoming LARP’s (The whole modern dress mixed with ancient Rome is an interesting look) or just want to watch Anthony Stewart Head chewing scenery. (I mean, who doesn’t want to see that?) Look, if you’re expecting the next Game of Thrones, you’ll be disappointed. But there’s a good chance this could turn into something decent, or at the very least, entertainingly crazy. Only time, or Wikipedia, will tell…

The Babylon Project: Part 1

It was the dawn of the third age of mankind, ten years after the Earth/Minbari war. The Babylon Project was a dream given form. Its goal: to prevent another war by creating a place where humans and aliens could work out their differences peacefully. It’s a port of call, home away from home for diplomats, hustlers, entrepreneurs, and wanderers. Humans and aliens wrapped in two million, five hundred thousand tons of spinning metal, all alone in the night. It can be a dangerous place, but it’s our last best hope for peace. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2258. The name of the place is Babylon 5.

Ahem. As a large component of this blog is me yelling at you about things I love (Or it would be if I posted more often), I’m going to take you through one of my favourite shows, Babylon 5. I’ll try to avoid spoilers where I can and I’m also not going to touch on the whole ‘Which came first?’ issue with B5 and Star Trek: Deep Space 9. Suffice to say that issue has kept internet message boards flaming for years, with the two fandoms openly hostile, something that helped prompt Majel Barrett Roddenberry (Widow of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry) to appear during season 3, as a gesture of goodwill to calm things. More about that later…

Beautiful ain’t it?

The show was planned around a 5 year arc, unlike much episodic TV at the time. There’s no end of episode reset button either – events carry on, relationships mend and fracture and plot points from early episodes can and do come back. Yes, this means you have to watch it all, just in-case you miss an obscure bit of plot. It also has an impressive knack for quality, even if the A plot of the episode is a bit weak, the B plot will make up for it. This also got us genuine character development – look at the evolution of Londo and G’Kar over the 5 seasons and the changes are astounding. Oh, and in another important distinction from Star Trek, humanity are still frequently a bunch of dicks. There’s none of the utopian society hippie nonsense from the 60’s, just humanity – flawed and emotional, as capable courage, compassion and acting like total *bleeps* in equal measure. All that and the station has toilets and the uniforms have pockets!

The main cast of season 1

I was introduced to the show around the time season 5 began airing, which left me with a lot of questions, not all of which could be answered without spoilers. It took a few episodes, but I was soon hooked. I also have the show to blame for my love of the mandarin collar and for almost any foreign accent I do to turn into Londo Mollari within about 30 seconds. (My wife thinks it’s a great impression by the way) It’s near unique in that its creator J. Michael Straczynski (AKA JMS or the Great Maker if you’re being formal) wrote 92 out of the shows 110 episodes –including all of seasons 3-5, bar 1 episode and that was written by some guy named Neil Gaiman. (Fun Fact: He got an an alien race in the show named after him!) It also had ships that obeyed the rules of physics in space (And the Starfury is a beautiful thing), the first large scale use of CG in televison and a wonderful knack for episode titles – Parliament of Dreams, And the Sky Full of Stars, The Geometry of Shadows and Ceremonies of Light and Dark to mention but a few.

The Star Fury – almost as cool as the X-Wing and scientifically accurate to boot!

The titular station is the fifth of the Babylon stations, intended as a diplomatic outpost in the wake of the Earth-Minbari war, which started thanks to the mother of all diplomatic SNAFU’s and ended in mystery, with the Minbari surrendering on the verge of victory. Why? That would be telling… As for the station’s name, that’s simple – it’s the fifth of the Babylon stations. The first 3 stations were destroyed by sabotage and the fourth, well that’s an interesting story…

In true SF tradition, each of the races has a distinguishing feature – the Narns are lizards, the Minbari have bones coming out of the backs of their heads and the Centauri have some of the most awesome hair ever seen. One of the things that JMS was striving to avoid was the rubber forehead look so common to TV aliens and for the most part he succeeded. Perhaps the greatest example of thing was Vorlon ambassador Kosh, who resided in a sealed encounter suit and spent his time being mysterious.

The Jukebox. (Kids, ask your parents)

So, I’m giving you a brief look at big episodes season by season. We’ll try to avoid spoilers, but some minor ones may slip past, more so as we move into the later seasons. It’s an average first season, containing more than a few of the standard SF tropes (Alien martial arts tournament, rubber suit monster etc), but those episodes are saved by either the B plot (As previously discussed) or by dropping hints at future events. Yeah, the CG is dated, but this was done 20 years ago on a tiny budget (Rumor has it roughly the half of an episode of Star Trek, but what shines are the story and character, something it shares with classic Doctor Who. And there was a rumour that JMS wanted to hire Tom Baker to appear in his Doctor Who costume in the background of an episode…

I’m bypassing the pilot movie, (The Gathering), mainly because I don’t own it. Instead, we kick off with the first episode aired, MIDNIGHT ON THE FIRING LINE:

Well, it’s a pilot, and as pilots go it’s not bad. We meet our main cast (Well, most of them), get a fair whack of exposition (The Narn and Centauri hate each other while the Vorlons take cryptic to new levels) and the scene is set for the show. I’ve seen better pilots and I’ve seen worse. Still, the payoff for the running gag about Garabaldi’s (second) favourite thing in the universe is magnificent.

MIND WAR:

Wait, is that Mr Chekov dressed in black? Why yes, that is Walter Koenig and he’s fantastic. We know human telepaths exist (As they do in several of the others races), but it’s our first look at their governing body, the Psi Corp and well, they dress in facist black. What were you expecting, pastels?

SIGNS AND PORTENTS:

The episode that gave the season it’s title, the first time we meet Mr Morden and the first major revelation of what was to come. And it all starts with a simple question, just 4 little words: “What do you want?”

A VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS PARTS 1 AND 2:

Londo Mollari reciting the Hokey Pokey. There’s a hell of a lot that goes on in the two-parter, with some great revelations and future events hinted at, but really, what more do you need?

BABYLON SQUARED:

One of the great mysteries of the show is answered (Well, sort of…) and more questions are asked, which is what happens when you involve time travel. We also meet Zathras and to hive any hints as t what I’m talking about would be criminal.

CHRYSALIS:

The first season finale, in which a conspiracy is unearthed, Ambassador Delenn embarks on an alternative lifestyle and a whole lot of stuff happens. There is happiness and doom in equal measure and a dark cloud on the horizon, with none of that ‘everything wrapped up nicely’ BS, cause that’s not what this show is about.

And so we come to the end of season 1. Uneven and in some places down right terrible (TKO, I’m looking at you) in places, but worthy of praise, it did it’s job of introducing characters and hinting at things to come pretty well. What really makes it was when you’d seen the entire show and realised just how much of the ground was laid during season 1.

So, what does Ambassador Kosh actually look like? What the hell happened to Delenn? What is this mysterious new enemy? Some of these questions may be answered soon, when we look at season 2, The Coming of Shadows…

WHO’S USELESS NOW?

We’re a bit short this week, as I’ve been busy being gainfully employed. Naturally, this has curtailed the amount of time I can spend writing for you, but A: they pay me and B: I have an ID photo that’s not too bad, which is a nice change for me, given that my driver’s license makes me look like I’m about to commit an act of jihad. (ASIO, I’m joking. Please don’t break down my door)

Anyhow, we’re here to talk about one particular item of news. You might say there’s been a deluge on this subject, possibly a flood or maybe a drenching. Certainly a shower, or maybe an oversaturation. Calling it a tsumani is more than a bit tacky, but it’s certainly more than a drizzle.

What could have produced such an ocean of watery attempts at humour? Well, it’s finally been confirmed that Jason Momoa is playing Aquaman in Batman vs Superman. As you remember, it was rumoured a few months back, but no-one had the decency to actually confirm anything until now. As far as I’m concerned, this is a really good thing – Momoa’s a fine actor who has the physicality to pull it off. That and given his early stint on Baywatch Hawaii, he’s used to wandering around wearing little, which I’m confident will be part of the marketing. (Look at what Marvel did with Thor for starters…)

My biggest worry is that Snyder will GRIMDARK it up, also my biggest complaint about Man of Steel – Superman walking the Earth to find himself was an interesting interpretation, but the orgy of destruction that was the end of the film just didn’t seem right to me. That’s not what I go to see a Superman film for – he’s the guy you look at and think ‘If only more people were like him’, rather than the guy who broke Metropolis. I guess I like seeing heroes who are enjoying themselves, like Chris Evan’s Johnny Storm in the otherwise forgettable Fantastic Four films. That might be my love of Batman: The Brave and the Bold talking, but that show’s Aquaman was amazing. If it’s wrong to want a hero who thinks everything is OUTRAGEOUS, who calls people ‘old chum’ and bursts into song from time to time then I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT.

How can you not love that?

That wasn’t the first piece of news though – earlier in the week Zack Snyder was on his way to work and heard two radio DJ’s making fun of Aquaman, so he proceeded to call in to defend him. (It’s worth noting this is pre-announcement, give the ‘Not to say he’s in my movie’ denial) So, Zack Snyder, you had my curiosity, now you have my attention. By way of apology, I take back two of the horrible things I said about Man of Steel!

To top it all off, there’s word that Warners is working on not one but two scripts for an Aquaman solo feature. Apparently, this is to ensure the best quality script while ensuring it meets deadlines, but to me it’s a shitty thing to do to a writer. I get you want to get a movie into production, but making writers compete in some sort of script writing Thunderdome doesn’t guarantee you a better film, just more stress and one guy pissed off his script wasn’t chosen.

Look, I’ve made my fair sure of jokes in the past, when I probably shouldn’t have. As my wife pointed out, Namor doesn’t get jokes made about him, but who outside of comic’s fans has heard of Namor? I guess all I can hope for is the movie takes a character best known for being a joke and make him awesome again, the way he should be. And failing that, I’d be happy with footage of Jason Momoa singing the ‘Rousing Song of Heroism,’ if that’s not too much to ask?

I’ll be singing that for the next week. Pity my housemates.