Author Archives: shoutybeardything

By Crom, Ymir and Set!

So, been quiet for a bit. Unexpected but welcome employment has meant I didn’t run D&D last week. Have no fear, Team (Almost All) Dual Wield will return Monday night! Been tired and sore, but punching the clock at 5’oclock and not having to think about work anymore is a glorious feeling. Also, money. Outside that, there’s been more thinking on Hyborian Tales. What do I hope to achieve with it, why am I doing this?

So I can run an event that allows me to share my love of Robert E Howard’s work, possibly even a type of event that hasn’t been done here before (Or if it has, I haven’t heard about it – I’m not omniscient). I first heard about HT around 2006, and have been reading Howard since the early 2000’s, so I’ve been wanting to take part in an event like this for a long time. Given it last ran in the UK in 2008, playing’s not really an option, which means running it. Getting permission from the original creator went a long way towards that, but now the real work begins. It’s going to be a lot of work, but by Crom, I want to put that work in. Even if it falls down in a heap, I want to run this. I love the stories and the system, and want to share that with people.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I have known many gods. He who denies them is as blind as he who trusts them too deeply. I seek not beyond death. It may be the blackness averred by the Nemedian skeptics, or Crom’s realm of ice and cloud, or the snowy plains and vaulted halls of the Nordheimer’s Valhalla. I know not, nor do I care. Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and priests and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content.”
Queen of the Black Coast

The game originally ran as a weekend event, with three short adventures (Play 1, crew 2) and 2 communal tavern nights. The idea is to run day games at first with 1, maybe 2, adventures, but I hope to run weekenders in the future. Crawl before you walk and all. My Lovely and Talented Wife has volunteered to work on logistics (An area of game prep I lack skill in) which has freed my brain up a lot. As before, any offers of help/expressions of interest as welcome.

So, curious and want to know more?

Souce material wise, there’s no better place to start than Howard’s original stories. Collected volumes of the Conan stories can be easily found in bookstores and online. I recommend the following stories to start with:
The Phoenix on the Sword.
Queen of the Black Coast.
Beyond the Black River.
The Hour of the Dragon.
Rogues in the House.
It was hard not to nominate The Tower of the Elephant, The Scarlet Citadel or The People of the Black Circle. but when you have to narrow things down, hard choices have to be made. As for other Howard work, Worms of the Earth, The Shadow of the Vulture (Starring Red Sonya of Rogatino, which inspired Roy Thomas to create the chain mail bikini wearing version) and Red Shadows (The first Solomon Kane story) are well worth reading, especially Worms. If the book has L Sprague De Camp mentioned anywhere as author, then it’s probably been edited by him. Don’t touch them. De Camp both re-edited Howard’s tales to form an extended canon and re-wrote non-Conan work as Conan stories. Points to him for keeping the stories in print, but those points are then lost for keeping the originals out of print for so many years. I’ve not read much of other author’s attempts at Conan work – the only one that comes to mind is Robert Jordan’s novelisation of Conan the Destroyer, and remember it being almost as wretched as the film.

“Barbarism is the natural state of mankind,” the borderer said, still staring somberly at the Cimmerian. “Civilization is unnatural. It is a whim of circumstance. And barbarism must always ultimately triumph.”
Beyond the Black River

As for the films, I adore 1982’s Conan the Barbarian, despite it’s many faults.* It’s Conan is thick-headed, slow witted and lacking the literary version’s pantherish speed and cunning, but the atmosphere and score more than make up for that. It’s nigh impossible for me to hear Anvil of Crom and not want a sword in my hand. As for it’s sequel, Conan the Destroyer, it’s a wretched piece of dumbed down garbage that makes a mockery of the character and the audience, the score being one of it’s few saving graces.** Moving to 2011’s Conan the Barbarian, starring Jason ‘Khal Drogo’ Momoa, it deserved better. Momoa did a fine job with what he had and if they could have cropped the ‘revenge for the death of his family’ subplot that was never in the original stories, it might have been better. I’d hoped he’d get another shot, but with Arnold apparently set to reprise the role, that seems to have been abandoned. Plus, bonus Ron Perlman. As for the TV series Conan the Adventurer, well, I own the box set but haven’t been able bring myself to watch further than the pilot.

“Aye,” he growled, “I am a Pict, a son of those warriors who drove your brutish ancestors before them like chaff before the storm!–who flooded the land with your blood and heaped high your skulls for a sacrifice to the Moon-Woman! You who fled of old before my race, dare ye now snarl at your master? Roll on me like a flood now, if ye dare! Before your viper fangs drink my life I will reap your multitudes like ripened barley–of your severed heads will I build a tower and of your mangled corpses will I rear up a wall! Dogs of the dark, vermin of Hell, worms of the earth, rush in and try my steel! When Death finds me in this dark cavern, your living will howl for the scores of your dead and your Black Stone will be lost to you forever–for only I know where it is hidden and not all the tortures of all the Hells can wring the secret from my lips!”
Worms of the Earth

Turning to gaming, Mongoose’s now out of print D20 game was frequently fantastic despite being D20, though the border art made them uncomfortable to read in public, especially the 2nd edition books. (Ian Sturrock, the original Hyborian Tales author, wrote the rulebook.) I’ve not been able to find copies of either the TSR Conan RPG or the GURPS sourcebook, but I’ve heard decent things. As for upcoming games, the free quickstart for the new Conan RPG seems interesting, but I’m not a fan of the system so much. Given the calibre of the people involved though I’m more than willing to give it a shot.

The clangor of the swords had died away, the shouting of the slaughter was hushed; silence lay on the red-stained snow. The bleak pale sun that glittered so blindingly from the ice-fields and the snow-covered plains struck sheens of silver from rent corselet and broken blade, where the dead lay as they had fallen. The nerveless hand yet gripped the broken hilt; helmeted heads back-drawn in the death-throes, tilted red beards and golden beards grimly upward, as if in last invocation to Ymir the frost-giant, god of a warrior-race.
The Frost Giant’s Daughter

As for other films that capture a Howard-esque atmosphere, the likes of The 13th Warrior,  The Sword and the Sorcerer, John Carter and Solomon Kane (Based on the Howard character) all have their moments, especially James Purefoy’s performance in Kane, if only to contrast against his scenery chewing in Carter. Then again, you could say I’m not a fair judge, given I own both the first two D&D movies and The Scorpion King 3. It’s an awful film, but has Ron Perlman in a mullet wig. Yes, I’m easily amused. You didn’t already know that? I’m aware given my track record for games that any attempt at something grim and bloody will turn out more like an 80’s B-movies, but I think I’ll be OK with that. As with my tabletops, so slong as the players enjoy themselves, I’m fine.

“Dead!” he muttered.
Slowly he rose, mechanically wiping his hands upon his cloak. A dark scowl had settled on his somber brow. Yet he made no wild, reckless vow, swore no oath by saints or devils.
“Men shall die for this,” he said coldly.
Red Shadows

So yeah. Those stories lit a fire in me like few other things and the chance to base a LARP event around them has me keen. As I’ve said, it’ll be a lot of work, but I want to do this. Finding a venue, writing adventures, props, costume, weaponry, briefings. It’s all stuff that’s new to me (I’ve only written tabletop games before) and it’s pretty damn daunting.  But, no effort, no game. So, it’s gotta be done. Time to do what I’ve been talking about…

“A kiss?” she cried hysterically. “You think of kisses at a time like this?”
His laughter boomed above the snap and thunder of the sails, as he caught her up off her feet in the crook of one mighty arm, and smacked her red lips with resounding relish.
“I think of Life!” he roared. “The dead are dead, and what has passed is done! I have a ship and a fighting crew and a girl with lips like wine, and that’s all I ever asked. Lick your wounds, bullies, and break out a cask of ale. You’re going to work ship as she never was worked before. Dance and sing while you buckle to it, damn you! To the devil with empty seas! We’re bound for waters where the seaports are fat, and the merchant ships are crammed with plunder!”
The Pool of the Black One

Well, for now. Must dash – have to go pretend to be a robot spaceship captain!

*The toast I gave at my wedding was ‘To what is best in life!’ Thinking back on hearing my family repeating that continues to bring me great joy.
**I use it as a motivational tool when cleaning the house – when the house is clean I can turn the movie off.

Oh. Oh smeg.

So, that big piece of election related news. Best summed up on the latest Have I Got News For You, “In this news this week, AAAAARRRRGGGGGRGHHHHH!”

This has… somewhat impacted on the plans for the post apocalypse event I’ve been working on. It’s kinda hard to write about one when an actual apocalypse seems creepily imminent. After all, when a climate change denying, pollution encouraging, tax cheating, serial sexual harasser has just been elected the most powerful man in the world, it’s not as easy to write about a post-apocalyptic future when the world seems genuinely at risk. It’s also meant I’m not offering Fair and Balanced to an upcoming Canberra con and will hopefully also stop people asking me for a sequel to that game. (I know it’s too much to ask but I can hope right?)

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So, I’ve put it aside for a bit. Not completely, as I’ve put both too much work into it and the idea of Drop Bears in a LARP setting is just too damn funny to me. But every time I’ve tried to write more on it I find up wanting to put my head through the monitor, which combined with the illness that has kept me from sleeping well the last few weeks, has meant it’s been far from a productive environment. My Lovely and Talented Wife (She who makes things better) has suggested it’s the perfect time to keep working on it, as it’s about a frontier group setting out to make things better, to learn from the mistakes of the past and as usual, she’s right. So I’ve not abandoned it completely, just till when it feels a bit less like the actual future. Hopefully just a week or two, but given the news out of America, it might be a while longer.

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So, I’m more working on my D&D campaign (More organisation on that is sorely needed) and a possible Feng Shui game for an upcoming event. Nothing much else to report, but I did find the USB with my most recent notes on it and while that’s not much of a victory, I’ll take any I can get at the moment.

Abruptly switching topics to the first piece of good news I’ve had of late (Outside of a pun run in the latest episode of  The Bugle), I got permission to use the Hyborian Tales rules set from its author. To say I was nervous about both sending and reading the message was an understatement, but I’m really happy about it. That’s a slightly more long term prospect, given it’ll require more work and, in all likelihood, attract a smaller player base. The latter’s not a deal breaker, given it was set for around 20 people max (6 players, the rest crewing). But it’ll allow me to indulge in my love of all things REH and put on an event (hopefully) different enough from the others in my neck of the woods. I can’t promise it’ll happen anytime soon, but it’s been something I’ve been itching to do for years and having it be this close makes me incredibly happy. If you’d like to be involved, whether playing or crewing, then please leave a comment.

“Know, O prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas, there was an Age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars – Nemedia, Ophir, Brythunia, Hyperborea, Zamora with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingara with its chivalry, Koth that bordered on the pastoral lands of Shem, Stygia with its shadow-guarded tombs, Hyrkania whose riders wore steel and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom of the world was Aquilonia, reigning supreme in the dreaming west. Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet.“
The Nemedian Chronicles

Fun Fact: R Cobb is Ron Cobb, who did design work for such films as Aliens, The Last Starfighter and Conan the Barbarian. And according to his website he lives in Sydney, which means I have some stalking to do!

Team (Almost all) Dual Wield!

So, when we last saw our intrepid band of heroes, their investigations had taken them to the Cliffwatch Inn, when all of a sudden, screams come from the kitchen! What happened next? Well, you’re about to find out!

The Paladin, curious, opened the door, to reveal several Giant Spiders crawling out of the ground and mencaing the staff. The Ranger tried to make friends with them, which didn’t really work, not matter how much she wanted it to. The Paladin bolted to try to find a phone booth to change into his secret identity, while the Rogue and Fighter started whaling on the spiders, with a particuarly impressive Sneak Attack one-shotting one of them. Damage was done both to and by the party, with the Ranger badly wounded and poisoned while the Fighter was consistently only able to hit with one of her two attacks. (Perhaps the universe sending a signal?)

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Weren’t expecting that were you?

The Wizard continued his track record of setting things on fire (Thanks to a well placed and sculpted Burning Hands), then shifted one of the barrels of cooking oil that was eerily close to the flame over to the tunnels the spiders had emerged from. Around that point the Paladin burst through a nearby window flailing his swords wildly and was about as effective as you’d expect doing that. After some more maiming of spiders (And the Ranger almost getting poisoned again), the spiders were murdered. This was to the Ranger’s annoyance, given that she wanted toto tame one so the Wizard could ride it. Needless to say, the Wizard was not on board with that plan.

Feed them? Feed them my axe!

Hessians sacks were doused in water and the flames began to be put out. Naturally, the Watch soon arrived, and Sergeant Gounar began to somewhat berate the PC’s. Turns out, random attacks like this had been citywide, and while the Watch doesn’t think the PC’s are responsible, it’s certainly odd that in a town with this many adventurers, this lot are continually found next to burning and/or dead things. It was politely requested that they accompany the Watch to a chat with their superiors, which the party took to mean secret arrest. Much eye-rolling from the Watch followed the now traditional party sassing session. And yes, the Wizard had scarpered by this point.

“I’m investigating, not persuading!”

The city official and Merchants Guild reps were agitated,but offered the PC’s employment and money if they would stop the threat. This was taken as a veiled threat, but had they walked out, well, I’m not sure what I would have done. (They wouldn’t have been stopped though.) The Fighter commenced investigating, discovering from the merchants several clues and a possible location, while the Ranger inquired about the 50GP of secret herbs and spices she needs to cast Find Animal Companion. (One of the merchants gave her a mysterious note!) There may have been jokes about how investigation is the reason they keep the Fighter around, a more than fair observation, given the Wizard’s tactic is simply screaming questions at people. Off they trotted to the bar they’d been told about, when the Ranger’s sorta boyfriend (The spunky Half-Orc) came flying through the doors. Bare Knuckle Wednesday get’s competitive.

“You see I’ve learnt this new spell and I’m thinking… fondue.”

A slightly awkward chat-up happened (Along with trying to work out if drunkenly trying to find a zoo counts as a date), with the party heading inside to investigate further. Questions were asked/yelled (I’ll let you decide who did what), as the group identified some of the possible compatriots/instigators. Crash zoom into their faces as they hear their names and roll credits!

“20!” *shocked expression* “No, not a natural 20, but your look of panic made it worth it.”

It was a bit of a mess of a session, as I’ve been sick and lost the most recently updated version of my game notes. That’ll teach not to have multiple versions of  my notes stashed on different USB’s and computers. I’m also new to the whole ‘running a game based on intrigue’ thing but it seems to be working. On the bright side, my players continue to be gloriously silly, which makes it all worthwhile. As for what happens next, spoilers…

So, what’s different?

This is mostly reconstructed from thoughts I was having last night while I was trying to sleep, so it’s likely to be a bit rusty. Hopefully it’s also less inflammatory than I can get at that time of night. Anyhow, in amidst all the trying not to cough up a lung I’m doing at the moment, I have more thoughts on LARP. My main larp, Clans of Elgardt, is currenly on hiatus and I recently went to my first Scy’Kadia event which while I had issues with it, I enjoyed and plan to go back to. I’m leaving off a write up of it till I can get another couple of sessions under my belt.

(If you were expecting me to talk about something else, well I’m sorry. All I’m doing at the moment, apart from coughing and job hunting, is trying not to freak the fuck out over the American election, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to deal with it. )

So, there’s a bunch of fantasy LARP’s around my neck of the woods, along with a smattering of sci/fi and steampunk. As we’ve discussed, I’m in the early stages of writing a post apocalypse game and am helping write another couple of games. I wouldn’t say there’s a glut of fantasy events, but the do seem to be in the majority. So, while I’ve said I’d prefer to be part of something different, as try as I might, I keep coming back to one: Hyborian Tales.

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It was a UK LARP set in the world of Robert E Howard’s Conan tales, a long time love of mine, filled with muscles, bloody combat and dialogue so testosterone fueled that just holding a copy of the stories can put hair on your chest. It’s classic pulp fiction, mostly published in Weird Tales magazine, though the racial elements of a lot of it are hard to ignore. You have to remember Howard was writing in early 1930’s Texas and while slightly enlightened for his time (In his letters he called out HP Lovecraft for his rasicm), there’s some stories I have real trouble getting through. Black Canaan, I’m looking in your direction. Moving on…

Sure, the fitness based parts of the game (Hiking up and down mountains, masses of combat and none of that simulated armour) meant I’d almost certainly collapse half way through, but it would have been worth it. The game itself only ran 3 weekend events, consisting of 3 adventures (Play 1, crew 2) and a communal tavern night. What do I like so much about it? Well, there’s the immersion of the world, a kitchen sink setting of various historical awesomeness (Vikings, frontiersmen, Mongols etc), the sense of ‘you’ve a sword, a few coins and maybe some rusty armour – now go forth and chase your destiny’, something different to the ludicrously over equipped characters you see in other games and, last but not least, the sheer joy of dressing up and running around with a foam sword. What really sucked me in though, was the atmosphere.

good-knife

It was purposely designed for sword and sorcery style gaming, with the rules encouraging combat that looked like  an 80’s fantasy movie, with none of that *tap*tap*tap* nonsense. (That might be another reason I loved the idea so much, as I have real trouble stopping myself from Flynning when I’ve a sword in my hand – it’s why I think I’ll be a better archer than swordsman.) Get horribly mangled? Have a drink and catch your breath and you’ll be back in the fight soon enough. NPC’s were briefed to hurl themelves at the enemy screaming their defiance, followed by hurling themselves on their blades. It’s a game whose construction was seemingly built on a foundation of shouting and thews, which basically makes it the LARP equivalent of BRIAN BLESSED.

barbarism

What does all this mean? Well, I still have copies of the rules and I’m guessing this means I should put my money where my mouth is and run it. Sure, I’m trying to get several other projects up and running, but what’s yet another fire in the iron? I love the play and crew aspect of how the adventures were run as crewing seems to be looked down upon here. Not seriously, but there’s seems to be a fair few games seem to have few, if any of them. Granted, most games here aren’t large enough to require a constant supply of NPC’s but crewing is stupid amounts of fun. You get to seed plot, lie outrageously, try to kill PC’s and help guide the story – what’s not fun about that?

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Getting back to the topic, and what I think I was meaning to talk about, was the style of game and how to communicate that. I’ve played some where the style of the game was clear and players understood it, and others less so. I feel slightly arrogant in saying it, but I think I’ve hit that point with my table tops and it’s a good feeling. Actually no, I do have a proper point. If you’re going to run a fantasy game, then tell me how it’s different from the other ones out there? What is in your world and system that sets you aside from the rest? What’s the hook? There’s already plenty of would-be Tolkein’s out there, so maybe try for something different? You know, Orcs that aren’t savages,  Elves and Dwarves that don’t hate each other etc? I get that the classics can be comforting (My games are powered by cliches after all), and an easy way to explain things, but at some point don’t you want to break away from that?

REH art by Bill Cavalier. No, not the Dungeon Bastard Bill Cavalier .

More ideas, and some progress

So, it’s been good and bad. The bad being the convention we planned to host a Nerf event has been canned, but good, because we’re still planning to ahead with it. True, we don’t know where or when yet, but given the amout of effort we’ve put it, we don’t want to abandon it. We might offer the plot to the Zedtown orgs but we’ll see how that goes.

Moving on to other events, there’s been further movement on the post apoc game. Not to the extent of booking a venue and having a start date, but I’m planning to kick it off early next year. What has happened is adventure ideas and plot! I was wracking my brains out trying to come up with ideas, but with some prodding from the lovely and talented wife (She who knows all) yesterday, a half remembered idea of basing them around Iron Maiden songs came to light. So, the opening game? Brave New World. Local water hole drying up? Rainmaker. And so on and so on. I’ve now got several albums worth of plots – some may wind up being thrown out or re-written, but sorting out what I plan to do is making me feel a lot better about the thing. Actually having a plan is a novelty for both my game and campaigns, one I’m hoping to break. I usually come up with a plot first and then try to build a world, or hope players will contribute to it in game.  That doesn’t always work, but when it does it works wonderfully.

There’s been a lot of late night nerves and thinking “Oh fuck, this a massive project and can I actually do this?” I’ve had to keep some resolve to want to keep working on it – the black dog’s a hell of a thing. I want to run the thing for my growth as a GM (I adore running my regular B-movie games, but want to expand from time to time) and for my mental health, as a way of keeping myself busy. Furthermore, there’s not any games of the sort running around here and I’d like to think I’ve a varied enough concept and setting that it’ll stand out. And Dropbears. 🙂 So, to the people who’ve said encouraging things, I thank you.

I’m also writing a Feng Shui adventure, either for an upcoming convention of a regular household games day. I don’t have a plot, or a real idea of one, which is different to how my events normally start. Generally, there’s an idea such as ‘What would happen if someone tried to infect Louis XIII with lycanthropy?’ or ‘What about a badass Ewok special forces unit?’ For this one, all I have so far is the idea of setting the final conflict on the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and slightly reskinning the Everyday Hero Archetype to be more ‘All Australian Yobbo’. Equipment: Hotted up ute, 6 pack  of VB and the complete works of Bon Scott era AC/DC. Less Chow Yun Fat (Who will still be appearing somehow, because you don’t not use him in Feng Shui) and more Poida. Hey, I never said it was a good idea…

Have you tried, not being an adventurer?

AKA “I used to be an adventurer but then I had to explain it to my family.”

So, last night’s D&D session got a little strange. Smallcloths got discussed again, a level was gained, they didn’t get in trouble with the law and the Wizard had another bath! A recap follows, though it’s likely to be very out of sequence as I was both improvising a lot of the adventure and laughing even more. As always, my players are welcome to correct me.

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“He’s not high-strung, he’s not a Bard!”

After dealing with the Night Druids, the newly 3rd level party had moved to a local tavern to eat and discuss their next move. While the Paladin (AKA Doctor Love) was attempting to matchmake, it was decided to go back to the Roaringhorns estate (Minus the Rogue, who went home to bed) to join back in with the seemingly perpetual party, both to see if any further developments had ensued and so the Ranger can catch up with the Half Orc she might be hot for. Both of those things ensued, with the Fighter being told that one Denius Huntsilver, a young Noble who was training as a Druid had vanished a couple of years back on an expedition. The Wizard pocketed more cheese and the Ranger some meat, as she’s gathering spell components (50GP of fine foods and rare herbs) to help find her animal companion. Unfortunately, the kitchen doesn’t have the 11 secret herbs and spices needed. The Ranger (Having lured the sexy Half-Orc outside) was also planning to free the animals from the local zoo, which kind of petered out. That wasn’t exactly what the Half-Orc was expecting, but he was too polite to say. The Wizard’s cockney accent continues to be contagious and may well be the local accent now.

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“Sharks are the bears of the sea.”

The Paladin took a by now very drunken Wizard back to the temple and left him in the bath, propped up so he won’t drown. This resulted in a very strange wakeup call (Waking up naked in a bath is one thing, but also being surrounded by a bunch of ab-tacular Priests of Sune?) I can’t blame him for screaming*. The higher ups at the temple have politely indicated that could anyone else he brings back please be quieter, but I doubt that’s going to happen. The Ranger and Fighter made their way to the Rogue’s estate, where, in an unprecedented shock, he was awake before noon. This resulted in the rest of the party spontaneously NPC’ing his family, who were less than thrilled by his adventuring hobby, with his father demanding he go back to bed and not return until at least noon. The longer it went on the more I thought I should stop it and get back to the adventure, but it was too much fun. Eventually they all left to go see a Druid about a thing (With his mother sneaking him a package containing some iron spikes and a supportive note as they were leaving). I’m now planning to meet family of the other PC’s along the way.

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“We’re a temple of love, it get’s loud.”

The Druid, offically known as Anarakin but called Charlie by the Paladin, told them the tale of an expedition into the mountains a few years ago (Oddly close to the town the Ranger keeps talking about saving from a bear, a story which most of Waterdeep has heard by now), from which few returned, the rest having been torn apart by some horrific beasts. He knew of one survivor’s whereabouts, so the party went seeking the Cliffwatch Inn to find her. The Paladin took over over her job serving tables so she could talk to the rest of the party, and she told of how the young Denius was a bit full of himself, but wasn’t a bad lad. All of a sudden, there’s horrible screams from the kitchen and *cliffhanger sting!*

Further instalments from the quote file:
“How could it be under the sea if there was a bear?”
“Egg-bearing hips!”
“That’s a terrible idea.” “You just haven’t drunk enough.”
The Google image searches Bear in a Kilt and Bear Nun. Yeah, they’re worth it.
“Large people are probably bears.”
The idea of Watherdhavian speed-dating.

So, even less got done than I was expecting (I should stop panicking pre-game about not having enough plot for them), but it was funnier than I could have hoped for. In a fortnight from now, what is happening in the kitchen? Was the young Noble killed, or was he colluding with the monsters? Who are the thieves with the tattoos and how are they conected with the Night Druids? Will the Wizard bathe again? Hopefully some of these questions will be answered!

*We mostly avoided jokes about a naked 13 year old with a bunch of Priests. It was for the best.

It’s a battery commercial

So why am I looking around my house wanting to yell WHO KEEPS CUTTING ALL THE ONIONS AROUND HERE?

It hit me even harder than last year’s one did but neither of them can compare to this one… That one didn’t just hit my paternal instinct, it smacked into it at light speed with the weight of several million tons. It’s why I was so damn nervous showing A New Hope to Niece, Then Age 7. I didn’t used to feel this way. Perhaps age has bought something worthwhile with it, something more than grey hair and the impulse to yell “Get the hell off my lawn!” at people?

Nananana nananana Night Druids!

Some D&D groups function like clockwork, well-oiled machines of destruction. Rogues and Rangers take point, clearing the way, followed up by the Fighters and Paladins. Barbarians rampage through the battle, with Wizards and  Sorcerers hurling arcane energy in precise blasts. Clerics offer support and healing, helping to clear up any messes left behind or monsters un-muderered. Everything has a place, the group functions smoothly and dungeons are neatly looted, with barely a copper piece left behind. And then there’s the group I DM for…02_latest-story_heroes_sub-header_140707-png“You’ll need better pants than that to fight me!”

While investigating a corpse that was found with a tail attached to it (And wearing nothing but it’s boots, something there was no small amont of fixation on), they had found their way to a garden maze, which the locals said was mostly used by young lovers for illicit trysts. The Dragonborn Ranger had been talking to a squirrel (Soon named Prince Frederick, the Champion of Squirrels!) nearby who had identified a bad smell and scary people at the center of the maze. They then proceeded to stealthily lay waste to the cultists and save the day! Actually no… What followed was a long discussion on smallclothes (Started in part by the Gnome Wizard and his thoughts about his robe) and while the Ranger had attempted to lead them through the maze things weren’t going well.

ph-barroom-brawl“No, you can’t set the fog on fire.”

The Paladin, (Having found time to change into his secret identity of that most noble and pretty vigilante, the White Rose), proceeded to leap onto the Ranger’s shoulders and ride her along like cavalry, which meant he could now see above the maze and direct them far more efficiently (AKA, at all). Also, sniffing someone’s crotch doesn’t determine their identity. The Dragonborn hasn’t quite got the hang of civilisation yet. There was a minor setback thanks to an errant crossbow bolt (Actually a spell, but I wasn’t telling them that) and they finally made it to the enter of the maze. Given the noise they were making, there was no chance they hadn’t been observed (Along with a well placed Alarm spell) and while they accquitted themselves quite well and captured one of the cultists (The Rogue took a few stabs, as did the Ranger and Paladin), the mysterious person leading the ritual managed to escape (FUCK YES Pass Without Trace). There was an attempt to leap over the hedge to follow them, which was closely followed by the hedge being set on fire. At that point the law arrived, though not the possible love intererest Watch Sergeant they sassed mightily last session, but a more “I’m getting too old for this sort of shit” type.

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“There’d be a lot of dead people.” “No, just some.”

The White Rose and Wizard both vanished (The Wizard is a street wizard see, and might have a record) with the rest of the party left to explain how they keep finding themselves in close proximity to corpses. The Watch, like Queen Victoria, are not amused. What followed was more sass, as the Watch bagged and tagged the evidence, and a bucket chain put the out the fire in the hedge. More investigation followed, and the loot counted (Which was mysteriously light) along with dinner, with the Ranger planning a suit of armour for Prince Frederick. As we leave our intrepid band, they disovered that the ceremony appeared to be venerating Malar, the Beastlord and God of the Hunt. This sort of thing isn’t really in keeping with worshippers of Malar (As far as they know), and as we fade out and roll credits the plan is to contact some of the local Druid circles.

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“Why do we need to elevate the boudoir?”

I might sound like I’m ripping on them for incompetence and that’s really not it. For all they might lack in efficiency, seriousness and staying on plot (A lack of which almost perfectly sums up my GM’ing style) , they more than make for up for by being a hell of a lot of fun to GM for.Really, if they were on target and organised, I’m not sure I could run that sort of game. I’d try, but I think it’d drive me mad. There was I nervous that I hadn’t prepared enough plot, but no, with their customary attention to messing about and investigating random bits of flavour I’ve come up with off the top of my head, I’ve got a good setup for next session. I suppose I should actually decide what the overarching plot will be, or who their mysterious patron actualy is, but I’m having too much fun. Next session’s in a fortnight – I should start writing that one before the day of the game.

Annoying paternal instinct.

The only Supergirl I’ve seen was the 6 minute preview of the pilot a while back and a variety of press shots. I’m reliably informed it’s really good and I mean to get around to watching it, once I catch up on Arrow, The Flash and Legends of Tomorrow. The second Superhero Fight Club promo on the other hand, has me wanting to watch the show NOW and to have daughters to show it to.

(My wife continues to accuse me of wanting daughters solely because I get to name them. That might slightly have influenced me…)