I should have known. Things go well, I talk about it, and the universe corrects that course. I’d been doing well of late, though I’ve probably slept more in the last few days than I should have. There was some not great news, combined with seeing some relics from high school/my early 20’s and well…
That period of my life, I don’t know why it has such a hold over me. It was over 20 years ago, another fact that scares me, but no matter how much I try to put those feelings aside, to tell myself that I’m a better person, that I’ve evolved since then, at the slightest provocation all those feelings race back in with a speed not thought possible. All that angst, fear and rage, it has done a number on me today. I can’t sleep, so here I am. I’m sure what was rattling around in my head was better than what I’m about to write, but here goes anyway.
The past is a hell of a thing. It’s not that I want things to have changed, I can’t pick a sliding doors moment. There’s things that I would have liked to have noticed, or done differently, but who doesn’t have those? I’m trying to admit some of them to myself, but having them, let alone at the strength they seem to be, doesn’t feel right. I wouldn’t be where I am today without those mistakes. Hell, I might not be here at all. That’s mostly hyperbole, given my abject cowardice and fear of what effect it would have on those I leave behind, but the point stands. Why does this plague me so much? I’m sure most of what rolls around my head has long been forgotten by others, so why the hell am I stuck with this?
Looking back I’ve always been depressed, or some shade of it. Finally getting treatment and finding brain doctors I like is one of the best decisions I’ve made, and I strongly urge everyone to give it a shot. No matter how sane and adjusted you think you are, I believe you could benefit from some therapy. Just talking with a neutral third party who only wants to help is wonderful. I have it easy compared to plenty, I’m the first to admit, but today hasn’t been a good one brain wise. Admitting that was terrifying at first, but gets easier the more I do. Don’t be afraid to talk – I’m willing to listen if you need someone to talk to.
I’m a different person from those days of long ago, but underneath that terrified scrawny kid still lurks. I don’t think I peaked in high school, and I’ve long wanted a reunion so I can respond “Get fucked” to the RSVP, but the scars are there. Showing my wife my Year 12 yearbook picture* with the career listed as ‘undecided**’ and having her say “You’re still undecided.” I know it was meant well, but still hurt. There were things I’d forgotten about (I had a piece about Nirvana in one of them – it was the mid 90’s after all), but that feeling of “Is this all I am” hit me far harder than I would have liked. The strength of that emotion scares me some days.
it could be worse. The guy in my year we thought would be running the Liberal Party by now has had several stints in rehab for alcoholism. I’d be lying if I said I liked him back then, but I hope he’s doing better. The universe can be cruel. A friend once asked a group of us “Did you all hate high school?” and got a resounding “YES”. I’m sure there’s people out there who did enjoy it, but I sure don’t know them.
I’m going to try to sleep again. Hopefully putting this down will calm the brain. Please don’t be too concerned. I’m not at risk of doing something stupid, just not sleeping much. I’m still planning on self isolating when all this is over, but I’m looking forward to coming back from it.
Take care of each other. Times are rough and the brain is a fragile thing. Be kind.
Be seeing you…
* No, you don’t get to see it.
**Only cause they wouldn’t let me choose Jedi Knight.