Tag Archives: mental-health

Can you say ‘Happy New Year’ with less sarcasm?

How am I?

It’s been, a time. It felt very strange being told “Happy New Year!” by one of my brain doctors recently. He seemed taken aback at my “Happy? Have you read the news?” response but it’s a bleak time of year for me. As for me, well I’m still here. To commit the capital crime of misquoting Citizen G’Kar, in what I’ve humbly dubbed the Retail Workers Creed: “We do not celebrate Christmas, we can only hope to survive it.”

I made it through the Christmas season at work relatively undamaged, outside of the Monopoly box I took to the head from a high shelf. Outside of the amusement that capitalism was actually trying to kill me, the most irritating thing was it wasn’t a large enough wound to get me a cool scar out of it. There were a few days when I had a couple of LARP swords in a bag behind the counter, but they were there to make me feel happy. I’ve joked about keeping one on the shelf with a sign reading “IN CASE OF UNRULY CUSTOMERS” but that would leave me tempted to use them, and that’ wouldn’t end well’s not the atmosphere I want in the store. Customers continue to be lovely, for the most part. It’s the little moments of joy that mean the most, from “Oh yes, we have this thing you’ve been searching for weeks to find” to my now standard when selling dice of “May they roll better for you than they would for me.”

The break from work between Christmas and New Year was unproductive. Almost as if my body went into involuntary shutdown mode and I don’t think I’d been running that ragged in the weeks leading up to it. Hell, I spent most of New Years Day either asleep, lacking the energy to move, or just at quarter speed. I wound up going for a late night walk to try to spark something, but didn’t accomplish much more than getting shat on by a bird while sitting reading the book I took with me. At least it only shat on my arm, and not my book. *sighs* It’s not that I mind the body shutting down, so to speak, but I did have things I wanted to do. Still, rest is nice. On the bright side, I now have a workable (According to my wife, and who else would I trust?) idea for a creative project that’s helped fire up the brain, which has been useful.

New Years Eve itself was spent at a friends place, and was a lovely event. There was a bunch of folks I didn’t know, but seemed nice, I let people be wrong about media and didn’t threaten them for it (I did bring several LARP swords, but no sparring happened), and both my kilt and beard got complimented. Having my beard shaking be compared to bouncing cleavage (I think in terms of a distraction, I don’t recall exactly) was… new. I was sensible and rotated between areas based on the noise level, and it was lovely to meet new LARPers from groups I’ve not been to. Swapping stories was both lovely (People who haven’t heard my LARP tales? Hooray!) while the venting about various frustrations really makes me appreciate the interstate events I’ve gone to. There’s been a refreshing lack of drama in my limited interaction, and while I’m sure there is some I’m not aware of it yet and I’ll keep to that blissful ignorance as long as I can. Yes, I still hold grudges over events in my local scene, and yes, I also realise I should move on from them, but I refuse to. I’m Dwarven in that respect, or maybe Klingon.

I continue to try to lure people to interstate events, both for having people from my neck of the woods attend, and in the hope they’ll bring some of that spirit back to my area. Attending other people’s events is a wonderful thing for getting a sense of perspective. Seeing how other people do things, how they deal with problems, it’s an educational experience, and can be a bit of a confidence boost. I struggle with the whole ‘wanting to do something, but feeling as if I don’t have the skill set’ to do so’, but there’s been a part of my brain that’s looked at how well Ravenswood went for me and wants me to put together a team for an event. But then we fall into the old trap of is it a workable idea, and can I work with other creatives without wanting to murder them when they depart from my vision of the event? How other groups manage it I’ll never understand. All that’s reminded of a wargame I’ve been meaning to read more about called Flintloque, which is fantasy Napoleonic War ea Europe. British Redcoat Orcs battling against French Elves? Oh hell yes! But as much as I adore the idea, I also have no idea how to make it or what to do with it, both things that need to be considered before emarking on a project I find. Still, there’s that previously mentioned project that should tide me over.

The Lost Settlers prep is continuing (I bought some gorgeous bracers and a very pretty axe recently for it), and I’ve now got friends trying to get me to Concord. Fortunately, they’re planning a group in a nation I’m keen on playing in, and it would mean I’d get to wear my Giant Hat of Magnificence! I bloody love that hat. I have enough kit to costume most of my ideas, it’s more the issue of flights to WA are expensive, and coupled food and accommodation at the event, it’s not a cheap trip. I’m fairly certain that flights to New Zealand are cheaper, and while I know that’s closer, it still feels odd that I can go to a foreign country cheaper than somewhere in my own. I unearthed a few things of mine from back in the day I keep meaning to sell that should bring in a fair chunk of that, but I also struggle with being able to justify doing this for myself. Ah, the wonders of having a shitty sense of self-worth!

A bearded man wearing a giant leather hat.

It’s good to have the creative juices flowing again, things in the calendar and events to plan for. It’s needed to counter the effects of looking at the news, and trying to balance my wanting to stay informed vs having a sense of hope. There’s light amidst the gloom though – I finally managed to get the Owlbear pin from the D&D blind bag range (The cashier wished me luck getting it, I walked out of the store, saw what I had and immediately went back in to say thank you) and won a large chunk of Doctor Who audios and merch at auction a friend alerted me to. That should keep my eardrums distracted for the next few months,

That’s it at the moment. I mean, there’s also been the renovations (A friend of ours who’s a builder has put in new bookshelves for us) and my wife and I have been kepy busy priming and painting them. I get the wonderful job of putting everything back on them when the paint is dry, and I’m both excited and fearful of that. I’m looking forward to having things laid out in an orderly fashion, by topic and/or author, even if I’ll have it messed up within a week. As my wife complains, it’s a flat surface in our house, so I’ll pile stuff on it. Anyhow, time for sleep.

Be seeing you…

“Time, Professor. It is all a matter of time…”

The title is in observation of the fact that numerous parts of this were drafted in my head when I awoke in the early hours of the last few days, but then forgot them when I awoke the next day. I’m certain I’ve lost some cracking jokes, but I’ll also take any opportunity to reference City of Death, the serial that has the single finest joke in all of Doctor Who, classic or modern, and why I can’t help but think of the Mona Lisa as ‘that dreadful woman with no eyebrows that couldn’t sit still.’ It could also reference that Covid shot my passage of time to bits, given I recently saw a joke that referenced Kendall Jenner giving a cop a Pepsi, and then found that ad was from 2017. *sighs* I mean, I know a lot of my cultural references are old, but I’m aware they are. Having that sneak up on me was less than welcome.

Most of what I’ve been doing the last week has been work, and it’s been relatively calm. Sure, there was the parade of right wing nutters that went past Saturday afternoon, but they stayed outside. At first I wasn’t sure what the theme was, as we’ve had a few pro-Palestine protests go past in recent months, but upon sighting the ratio between people wearing Australian flag capes and police, as well as a placard that read “Australia needs a Trump Card”, it wasn’t difficult. I resisted the urge to stick my head out the door and mock, but I did get some snark in with customers inside the store at the time. I did have a pair of LARP swords with me in a bag behind the counter, but there were there mostly for moral support. I knew they were there, and they made me feel happy. It’s also the closest I’ve got to actually using them in far too long, but I’m still in a state of miserable inaction on that front, as opposed to getting my shit together and getting to an event/writing one.

Speaking of customers, most of mine continue to be lovely. Even if I don’t remember them when they return. The area my work is in adds some atmosphere, from the occasional yelling and whooping from the alley, passers by playing music on Bluetooth speakers (who should be jailed if I had my way) and the folks who walk by screaming, whether into their phone or at the sky. The human who encouraged it’s dog (I don’t recall the person’s gender) to piss right next to our front door. I was going to to say something, but was struck dumb in shock, before filling an empty bottle with water and washing the residue away. And the café across the alley ways background music and their overuse of Queen’s Greatest Hits. There’s only so many times I can hear Bohemian Rhapsody – the least they could do was play the Muppet version,

There’s the people who haggle, those who want one thing that we don’t have, or who seem to refuse to acknowledge me. Overly intense chess players, people who want phone cables and video games (neither of which we sell), or are simply lost and need directions. I occasionally wonder if any of them ever found their destination, or if I’ll be haunted by them in whatever afterlife I wind up in. The occasional one who wants to tell me far too much about their characters/campaigns, but I’m certain every game store employee get’s those. And then we have those rare few who make me want to draw forth the Black Sword, announce “BLOOD AND SOULS FOR MY LORD ARIOCH” and let Stormbringer do what it does best. Though I haven’t wanted to smack a customer quite so hard as when one put a copy of the Avatar RPG Uncle Iroh’s Adventure Guide on the counter and started singing Leave From The Vine to me. Bastard. (To be clear, I know him outside of work and it was meant in fun, but still)

I do have a few catchphrases as well!
When selling dice: “And as always, may they roll better for you than for me.”
Battletech: “Have fun crushing your enemies.” (I haven’t gotten to tell any of them about my wedding vows, but when/if we get a new Conan the Barbarian RPG in stock it’ll happen)
Avatar: The Last Airbender Magic cards: “I hope you get some cabbages!”
Finding something a customer has walked past: “You didn’t miss it, you just hadn’t looked their yet.”

Getting back to the strange, there’s been a few conspiracy nuts. One said by embracing Halloween we were encouraging child murder – that was different. Some seemingly come in to try to mess with me – there was a spectacular one yesterday who stuck her head in, yelled “What the fuck, totally weird man” then left. Alas, she returned about 30 seconds later, enquiring as to my state of mind, to which I said I’m keeping busy and could I help her? I was told I could, and I quote, “Suck on my pussy flaps please!” and she left again, excitedly telling the tale at someone in the street. She could have been high, or just trying to shock a mundane, I don’t know. I kept a polite silence as to her offer, though the line “Not even if I was single” did pop into my head about 30 seconds after she left and later that night the thought of calmly saying ‘Sorry miss, I suck dick’ made me chuckle a little. It’s been a few years since I’ve said something that’s made the rest of the room stop and stare at me after all.

The baseline anger and frustration continues though. It could be the ever increasing length of Black Friday sales, given some stores were running them all month it seemed. It’s another unneeded example of the creeping tide of American cultural imperialism (I prefer Creeping Death), but seeing Christmas stuff in stock in mid October was infuriating enough for me. My views on Halloween boil down to ‘If it makes you happy, then go for it’, but I though it was meant to be a buffer before Christmas started? Clearly not. As with many things in life…. *shakes fist at sky* CAPITALISM!

Regardless, I’m looking forward to a day off, almost as much as not getting Black Friday ads for a while. I continue to block ads for shitty retro game emulators and curse the addition of AI options to seemingly everything I look at. I may have something of a grudge against ads and their overuse, but that comes from my time working in TV. My social batteries are fairly tapped out, but I’m trying to keep thinking of it as the good kind of exhausted, if that makes sense? It’s been long enough that I should be adjusted to it, but I’m still feeling like I want to hide more often than not. I’m not sure what this means for my recovery time, but I guess we’ll find out when/if I get a chance to. As for the rest of my brain, seeing a piece in the Guardian on toxic humility certainly applies to me, but telling myself that I can do good things on a regular basis? Believing in myself? Mostly it reminds me of how much my wife hates my knack for self deprecation. I’d like to say I’m getting better at avoiding it, but it’s as if it’s an awkward internet photo – it’s always there, no matter how often I delete it. Gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth indeed.

Not sure what else I have to say at the moment. It’s late and I should sleep. In case I don’t get the chance to say it, I hope you have all have a wonderful holiday season and only joyous things happen to you and yours. I may frequently be a miserable git who would like nothing more than to make it through this time of year without hearing a single bit of Christmas cheer, but that doesn’t mean I want that for other people. May you take joy however you find it. Glory to you, and your house…

And so as you hear these words, telling you now of my state.
I tell you to enjoy life. I wish I could, but it’s too late.

Stabbing and falling and punching and crawling…

No, the title has nothing to do with my mental state, it’s more that Halestorm’s version of Dissident Aggressor (Surely I don’t need to state the original was by Judas Priest?) is a stone cold banger. You could also take it as a meditation on what it takes to get through some days, but I try not to get too philosophical this early in these things.

So, what have I done of late and why haven’t I written? For starters, my left wrist has been wonky the last few weeks, and it’s kept me from sword. I shouldn’t be able to hear grinding when I rotate my hand, right? To say nothing of the muscle on the back of my left hand tensing up. Yes, I know I should see a doctor, but I’ve had stuff on, OK?

I attended the wedding of 2 friends last week, and was very good and kept to the dress code (New kilt, yay! Also, it has a pocket!) and didn’t take a LARP weapon with me. I first met the couple through LARP, hence the possibility of weaponry, and have been at a few weddings that could have been improved by carrying one (As could almost everything), but I was fairly certain that doing so wouldn’t have been appreciated. So, instead of causing a scene, I was good, and wish the rest of the happy couple’s lives together be as happy as a Maiden gig when Fear of the Dark kicks in.

I’ve had a couple of bits drafted, the longest one being about the Triple J Australian Hottest 100 and how WRONG and UTTERLY STUPID the voting public are. Yes, my tastes aren’t shared by the masses and ordinarily I have far less of a problem with that, but Khe Sanh getting more votes than Highway to Hell? Made things even worse seeing the songs that came in 101 to 200, to add insult to injury. Alone With You was at #160? (I’m) Stranded only came in at #124? NOT A SINGLE RADIO BIRDMAN TRACK? I’ll spare you my further screaming about it, but seeing Ben Lee’s Catch My Disease there did make me want to punch something. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but I fucking hate that song.

Yes, I hold musical grudges as bitter as any of the other illogical grudges I carry with me long past any sane expiry date. Surely that’s no surprise by now? It’s rarely against performers themselves (Unless they’ve done a shit cover of something I love), but there’s far too many songs out there who’s success utterly mystifies and/or infuriates me. For example, I take a large amount of delight from knowing that everyone involved with the song Groove Is In The Heart will eventually die. I don’t want them dead now, to be clear, but knowing it will someday happen is something I look forward to. It’s much in the same way that John Rogers (Leverage creator) once said “I do cardio because I need to live long enough to piss on a lot of graves.” Anyhow, I scrapped that piece after seeing that First Dog on the Moon beat me to it and did it in a way far more amusing than I could. I do humbly disagree with him on the best Ramones lyric though, which is clearly the opening of “I Just Want To Have Something to Do.” Tell me I’m wrong. *waits* YOU CAN’T CAN YOU?

(The Turnbuckles and Scientists are also well worth your time. EDUCATE YOURSELVES HEATHENS!)

The main distraction was my event for Pheno, which I tested last weekend and it… Didn’t go well. All hail to my playtesters for their patience and tolerance, and the feedback given will make for a much improved event. I wasn’t ready, even more so than normal, and it showed. I’d also committed the cardinal sin of not talking to my wife about it, which is the first thing I generally do with my games. Yes, it had been nearly 2 years since I’d GMed and have been rattier than normal (Turns out the retail part of my job being quiet of late weighs on me more than I thought), but that doesn’t excuse things. Still, changes have been made, plots rewritten and the enterprise is shaping up nicely. Moral of the story is, thank your playtesters people, they are worth their weight in dice!

In other long delayed achievements, I finally passed my driver’s test and am now allowed to drive solo! I thought I’d fucked it up again so being told I’d passed meant restraining a yell of triumph. It also meant I managed to get my P’s before Niece, Age 17, got her full license, but she has things that are alien to me, like self esteem. After a shaky start, I’m now perpetually torn when behind the wheel between a burst of nerves as soon as I see another car near me and wanting to scream “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU INCOMPETENT P’TAKH? May Fek’lhr visit your soul with a thousand tortures before you next sit behind the wheel!” If you’re going to road rage, do so in a way that utterly confuses the person you’re screaming at. And don’t get me started on pedestrians – “Lady, there’s a crossing barely 50 metres away, why in the actual fuck are you trying to cross here?”

On the bright side, as a reward I bought another LARP sword! #treatyoself The store it came from didn’t have the axe I was after on the day, but given the time it took to get to the event they were at, there was no way in hell I was leaving without a weapon of some sort. Now, if only there was a game near me I could use it at, as all it’s doing currently is sitting next to my writing desk ready for me to twirl it dramatically from time to time. There’s worse uses for a blade. Alas, the next Concord came up too quick and it’s too close to Pheno, and the battle games near me aren’t my thing. At least, I assume they’re still running. It’s back to the old position of ‘if I want something that’s my style I’ll have to be part of the GM crew.’ Either way, it’ll have to wait till after Pheno. I’ve already had 2 workable ideas for 2026 (Both tabletops), and I don’t need more getting in the way of that. Yes, I know that’s only a week away, but I’m nervous enough about the bloody thing. No matter how many I run, I still get spooked hoping that people will enjoy it. I choose that to be a good thing.

I’ve also found some more RPG’s I’m keen to try, and they’re all Borg. No, not that sort of Borg. This sort: Pirate, Dukk and Ninja. Me being keen on Pirate Borg should be about as surprising as my wife being a fan of Stray Kids, and Dukk is a post apoc doom metal version of Duck Tales (Woah-oh!), a premise so utterly insane it needs to be on my gaming shelf. There’s one issue with Ninja Borg though, and that’s while it looks near perfect for the sort of over the top wackiness I run, I’m not sure I can support a game that not only foolishly claims ninjas are better than pirates, but sells merch I find personally offensive?

Anyhow, it’s past 1am as I type, and from past experience my writing only get’s less coherent at this point. Good night. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.