Some list entries and a little Kombat,

Before we start, for reasons I’ve long forgotten I felt compelled to start this with some of the items on my Bucket List. Feel free to compare and contrast to your own.

1: Attend a venue with a cloak room and check in an actual cloak
2: Form a shield wall/testudo when exiting a peak hour train. We get out, then you get on. That’s how this functions.
3: Run a LARP in a BBC quarry.
4: Run a LARP that has a cavalry charge with players mounted on hobby horses.
5: Stand at the base of the Eiffel Tower, look up and yell “BYE BYE DUGGAN!”
6: Dramatically entering a room/event to Anvil of Crom OR kicking in a door to the opening of the Funky Gibbon.
7: Do a Ramones based tour of New York City. Visit where CBGB used to be, shed a few tears at Joey Ramone Place and see the wall against which the cover of their first album was shot. I’m not a religious man, but that’s holy ground as far as I’m concerned.

But what have I been doing outside of work, sword and depression? Sure, I’ve been kept busy blocking ads for AI and shitty video game emulators, and continue to contemplate taking one of my LARP swords in to keep behind me at the store on Black Friday. But outside that, I was watching The Ministry Of Ungentlemanly Warfare and the idea that it’s basically a stealth prequel/sequel to The Man from UNCLE popped in my head, so it’s film review time! I’m not touching that film yet, as I haven’t finished it, so it’s time to review *90’s electro guitar noises* MORTAL KOMBAT! Oh, and the 90’s Spawn film.

It’s been a bounty of unexpected nostalgia, or unplanned stupidity depending on your take. Either way, choosing to watch the 90’s Mortal Kombat and Spawn films was not a sensible move on my part, though it ended well. Having not seen either since their initial cinema release (I’ve never claimed to have had good taste as a teen*) and seeing them turn up on Netflix. Yes, I know I have a nostalgia problem, thank you for letting me know… I probably shouldn’t be left alone for quite so long when I’m in this state of mind. Anyhow, let’s begin! First off, I’d long forgotten that both films gave Frank ‘Megatron’ Welker a gig, though having the big bad of your film have the voice of Doctor Claw is slightly less than intimidating, and that’s without mentioning the shonky late 90’s CGI. Spawn’s highlight was Nicol ‘Merlin’ Williamson both chewing all the scenery and being oddly restrained at the same time, as least compared to his turn in Excalibur.

Martin Sheen is there solely for the pay cheque, but looks less embarrassed than he does a couple of years later in Babylon 5: River of Souls. I have to give points to John Leguizamo for coping with the clown makeup and costume, though that may have hidden the look of ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ as he delivered his dialogue. As for the lead, Michael Jai White reminds me of Mark Dacascos, in the sense they’re both skilled martial artists and solid actors who deserve better careers, It wants to be all 90’s and grimdark, but it doesn’t have the skill set to get it over the line. I paid to see worse films as a teen (Super Mario Brothers comes to mind), but seeing Jai White trying his best to elevate a mediocre film, it just made me want to watch Black Dynamite again. But let me ask you, how can you not want to watch a film where Richard Nixon pulls out a set of presidential nun-chucks?

As for Mortal Kombat, it’s all about Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa chewing the scenery. About the only thing I recalled outside that was the mystifying even at the time casting of Christopher Lambert as Raiden, but his repeated use of “Heh heh heh” and “I don’t think so” were oddly amusing. I think he, Tagawa and Linden Ashby (Johnny Cage) were the only ones who enjoyed themselves, given how seriously everyone else seems to take things. Or it could just be their acting coaches told them to scowl in place of character development, cause it sure as hell ain’t in the script.

It wants to be all gritty and ultra violent as the games were, but’s hampered by a low budget, limited technology so it’s more of an 80’s ninja movie filled with unnecessary backflips and spandex costumes, but it doesn’t pretend to be anything else. Despite my mockery of it’s CGI, the limited abilities of it’s cast (To be fair to Bridgette Wilson, she was a last minute replacement and didn’t get anywhere near as much fight training) and costumes, the Goro suit was genuinely well done. Clearly that’s where a lot of the budget went. Overall, it’s very much a sign showing the way to the future for Paul WS Anderson’s directorial career, though it’s too early for his ‘this movie was an excuse to show off my wife’ phase of directing, as that began after he married Milla Jovovich. My theory on his 2011 The Three Musketeers was Jovovich had been shooting an audition reel to play Black Widow and things got out of hand. On that note, Blade Trinity is vastly improved by treating it as Ryan Reynolds making an overly elaborate audition tape for Deadpool.

Going further down the rabbit hole, that led me to watch the 2021 Mortal Kombat reboot, and that was a hell of a lot more fun. It’s still not great – the plot is formulaic, the cast are mostly unknown to me with the exception of Hiroyuki Sanada, who I’m always happy to see. I could say it’s a top tier video game adaption, but that’s also a very low bar. In it’s defence, it’s a lot of fun, had solid fight choreography and wasn’t hamstrung by having to tone down it’s violence to appeal to a younger audience. Indeed, it takes great delight in the way people can murder each other, with fists, blades, gardening tools and even a large hat all being put to ferocious blood splattering use. The fight scenes vary, and don’t extend their welcome, something I couldn’t say about certain almost never-ending fights in John Wick 4.

The film’s MVP though, is Kano. Oh fuck yes, you magnificent bastard. Throwing an Australian yobbo into ‘Enter the Dragon with magic’ may not seem like a smart idea on paper, but he’s the film’s highlight and I will die on that hill. (I’m definitely taking notes from his performance for the next time I play the Yowie at Ravenswood) There’s a noted lack of over the top scenery chewing from the bad guys in contrast to the 90’s incarnation, but on the whole it’s a vast improvement. It’s still not what I’d call a good film, but it’s an entertaining one and that’s all I expected from it. I’m actually looking forward to the sequel, and that’s something I didn’t expect.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing with my time of late. Worthwhile or worthless, I leave up to you. Be seeing you…

*To quote the speech I gave at my sister’s wedding, “She had a short lived love of the Spice Girls as a teen. It was the 90’s, I don’t judge. I am yet to grow out of my teenage love of Iron Maiden, and have no plans to do so.”

A series of short reviews

I have seen a bunch of films recently, the urge to write about them hit, so here we are. Mild spoilers to follow.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard
The sort of film that Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L Jackson can do in their sleep. Surprising amounts of fun regardless.

The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard
More of the same in fancier locations, with the welcome addition of Salma Hayek and a glorious turn from Morgan Freeman.

The Expend4bles
It’s not surprising that they’ve gotten worse the more films they’ve made. The first was a solid action film that coasted more on goodwill and the idea of a bunch of old farts kicking ass than anything, but it’s been a steady downhill since then. For a franchise that based itself around ageing action stars, it shed a lot of them between 3 and 4. This one’s half team film, half Jason Statham solo film, with Megan Fox’s uncannily smooth face, always salon perfect hair and S&M style tactical gear a lowlight. As for the ‘acting’, and I use that term loosely, she’s at least better than 50 Cent, who seems to have spent about that much on an acting coach. I’m not expecting a fifth in the series, but if they can make 5 Scorpion King films…

Thunderbolts*
Just as the 1993 Three Musketeers is a scenery chewing contest between Tim Curry and Oliver Platt, this is a ‘who’s having more fun’ contest between David Harbour and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I’m aware I’ve missed story beats from projects I’ve not seen, but there wasn’t any great moments of “WTF did I miss?” The story it’s trying to tell kind of works, but the bouncing between broad and bleak comedy wasn’t quite working for me, the sacrificial lamb character being bumped off very early and OH GODS I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I maintain my belief that the MCU should have wound up after Avengers: Endgame, or at least taken a solid couple of years minimum break. It’s not that I’m against it, I’m just so very tired of it. Given recent creative decisions (All of Secret Invasion, the first female led film being after the character was dead, that they still can’t get a Blade script to screen, bringing back RDJ to play Doctor Doom, etc), it feels like the magic has gone, you know? At the very least, it was only about 2 hours long so it didn’t take up an excessive amount of my time.

Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning
It’s been long enough between drinks that I really should have re-watched Part 1 again beforehand. I’m somewhat glad it’s the final, as I’m not sure the stakes could be raised any higher. Intrigue, double crossing and whacky spy shenanigans abound, though some sequences did feel more than a bit padded. A couple of unexpected call backs had me bouncing with joy, whereas another development had me wondering where it was pulled from. Again, should have re-watched Part 1. But let’s face it, that isn’t why you go to see these films anymore, you go to see Tom Cruise doing absurdly dangerous stunts and more running in one film than a Doctor Who companion does in a lifetime. How no-one has put together a ‘My First Reader’ version of one of these films I’ll never know. “See Tom Run. Run Tom Run. Jump Tom Jump.” It practically writes itself.

Yes, it could be said that the stunts also a testament to his ego, so he could say “I did that!” or how an awful lot of situations end up as ‘Everyone looks to Cruise to solve the problem’, and that is an issue. Yes, there’s things he can’t do in universe (though not very many), and that has been an issue. Furthermore, despite the near 3 hour run time, there’s characters and revelations that deserved more focus, and there’s a fair whack of opening exposition to catch everyone up.. Really, I just want incredibly competent agents being made to frantically improvise when plans go wrong, and there was more ‘people in suits arguing in rooms’ for my taste in this one. It doesn’t hit the heights of 3 and Fallout, but it’s far above 2 in the scheme of things.

Yes, there have been other things in my life going on, but you’ll have to wait for me to write about them. Be seeing you…

En garde!

The Three Musketeers (2023)
Director: Martin Bourboulon
Starring: Vincent Cassel, Francois Civil, Eva Green

You know the feeling when you’re really excited for something, want it to be great, but it just isn’t? Yeah, it’s going to be that sort of review. Is it the worst adaption of the book I’ve seen? It’s certainly up there, though that doesn’t mean it’s bad per se. There will be minor spoilers, so be warned.

First off, to get it out of the way, I got to the cinema about 20 minutes late, after a truly torturous journey of OVER 2 FUCKING HOURS culminating in me running from Central station to the cinema in a breathless frenzy trying desperately not to run over people in my way. I knew there was trackwork and left with what I thought was plenty of time, but between an epic wait for replacement buses, followed by the extended kick in the knackers of my ‘express’ train crawling at a snail’s pace between Strathfield and Central, it was not a good start. There are reasons I hate buses, and that’s one of them. So, I was already sweaty, thirsty and in a foul mood when I made my way into the cinema discretely trying to find my seat, just as D’Artagnan was making his way into Musketeer headquarters. I’m assuming I missed him leaving home and the initial confrontation with Rochefort at Meung, but I’ve no idea.

I’ll spare the spoiler phobic a rundown on the film, but here are my thoughts. It’s very… brown, both in costume and colour palette. The last time I saw that much brown in one place was a particularly horrifying toilet cubicle at Town Hall station, but I won’t go into detail. What little colour there is, chiefly in the nobility, still seems drab and dark. Even the uniforms of the Musketeers and Cardinal’s Guards seem muted, with the famous Musketeer tabard little more than a dark, I want to say, jacket. I didn’t expect the full blown eye-bleedingly bright version of the 1948 film, but some colour would have been nice. I don’t think the director went full Zack Snyder, but it did seem to evoke the muted colours of the worst parts of the DC Cinematic Murderverse (Alas, I can’t claim that line as my own) to an irritating degree.

The cast do a good job, with a solid sense of who each character is, though my lateness left me with no idea if anyone is supposed to be Rochefort or not, given the one part that was rock solid to the book being no eyepatch. Vincent Cassel makes a fine Athos, all brooding and grumpy, while Francois Civil makes an entertaining D’Artagnan, possibly the least irritating version I’ve seen, even if his flirting with Constance is a bit over the top. The Cardinal barely twirls his moustache, while King Louis is far more serious, a change from, I want to say, every other version I’ve seen. There’s also not nearly enough of Eva Green’s Milady, but I’m assuming she’ll feature more in Part 2. As for the script, there’s some solid jokes and moments of levity amidst the brown and drama, but it’s not as fun as I was hoping for.

FUN FACT: Christopher Lee (From the 1973/4 version) is responsible for the ‘Rochefort wears an eyepatch’ trope, as he was looking for something to make the character more evil, and settled on one. And while there are certainly valid issues around characters with disabilities as villains, I can’t disagree with him, to the extent that to my knowledge every version of the character past up till this film has worn one at one point or another.

Speaking of changes, there’s a large number of them that left me cold. I wasn’t expecting a book accurate adaption, there’s large chunks of the book that wouldn’t work on film (The chapter on how Athos get’s his equipment for starters), or to modern eyes – the characters blasé attitude to thrashing servants and riding horses to death. It was an earlier time. But changes such as Athos’s former title no longer being a secret or a subplot with him him being found guilty of murder with the others having 4 days to prove his innocence? What? I’m sorry, was there not enough intrigue in the book? The director seemed to want a grittier version, which makes a change from the last few versions I’ve seen (The 2014 TV series and 2011 and 1993 films), and this gives us a King Louis who’s far more serious and less comic relief. On the other hand, Porthos swinging both ways I fully support, if only for the hope that it will annoy some horrible people on the internet.

And now, the part I’m sure you’re all waiting for my thoughts on: the fencing. Previous adaptions have been full of swordplay, some of it more functional and historically accurate than others. And yes, there is some swordplay in this (Though not enough for me), and it looks good, but it’s frustratingly directed with Michael Bay-esque swirling camera work mixed with closeups that obscure a lot of what’s going on. Given how much of my interest in the film is in the swordplay, that’s a pretty big strike against it. I’m sure the vast majority of cinema goers won’t have issues with it, even if people near me were shocked in parts. The fucker who’s phone rang though, deserves a punch in the junk. It’s 2024, surely cinema phone etiquette is a thing? I know we don’t have easily affordable cyborg replacement limbs (Cyberpunk 2020, you lied to me!), but putting ‘do not disturb’ on your phone should be a reflex action by now. Also, my screening’s gunfire was mighty damn loud for my tastes. Was it that way to evoke how loud real gunfire is? I can’t say, but it sure got my attention.

I’ll admit this review is clouded by circumstance, and had I arrived with a healthy amount of time to spare I may be feeling better about it. I certainly want to see it again, fully this time, and I’m sure it’ll be taking it’s place on my shelf before long. The 1973/4 adaption still reigns above all for me (The lunch fight in Three is my happy place), though I’ll admit the scenery chewing contest between Tim Curry and Oliver Platt in the 1993 version does warm my heart and makes it worth enduring Charlie Sheen. Things may improve after seeing Part 2, titled Milady, as well. But at this stage I can’t give it more than 6/10.

To boldly go…

OK, to get it out of the way, I started Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, and it is glorious. The ‘new’ Enterprise is gorgeous, I love the characters, both new and new versions of the existing ones, and there have been a LOT of feels as I make my way through. I know basically everyone who doesn’t show up in TOS doesn’t have plot armour, but that doesn’t lessen my attachment to them ONE BIT. I will give no spoilers, though I do need to say the way the episodes pinball around can leave some serious mood whiplash. From an Alien homage to the Lower Decks crossover, the story book ep to what is functionally MASH in Spaaaaace (And I don’t mean that in the comedy sense), each episode can be vastly different from the previous. And I haven’t even gotten to the musical episode yet… I feel like I should say something more dramatic than ‘It’s really good Star Trek‘, but that’s what it is to me. I’m near halfway through S2, and am dead keen for more. I hadn’t expected to suddenly go on a Star Trek binge (Having long been more of a Star Wars fan), but here I am. Qapla!

*And yes, I still want one of those tankards. My birthday’s in April, just saying…*

Turning back to gaming, the event info packet for Ravenswood Institute has been delayed. Frustrating, but entirely acceptable. I’d rather wait a little while extra for up to date info after all. That hasn’t stopped me from having my usual flood of character and costume ideas though, some more suitable than others. Let’s go!
1: My current leading idea, the well dressed one I mentioned in my last post. I don’t have a goal for that one yet, but joining the magical cops seem interesting. Given I ran an IC black market in the last weekend game I played, maybe being on the side of the law in this one might be a good change?
2: A sort of goth Viking punk. Frayed, black and leather, accessorised with tattoos and enough silver bling to scare off an entire pack of werewolves. I’d also need to find way to hide a speaker on my costume to play Heilung while doing any rituals. #atmosphere
3: I don’t have any costume ideas for it yet, but someone who specialises in taking care of magical animals. I’d need to find a way to do this without going into a bad Steve Irwin impression though. “Oh boy, that’s a Greater Horned Owlbear, and isn’t she a beauty!”
4: Wannabe sex cultist. Oh yeah, time to get my Al Crowley on! Yes, I know that’s not all the Cult of Ecstasy (From the RPG Mage: The Ascension) were about, but in my defence the last time I read any of the splat books I was about 19. The idea of putting “I just want to know what it’s like to bang one of the fae” as a character goal also amuses me, but I am very easily amused, to the consistent frustration of my wife.

It has also been a consistent source of amusement at people’s reactions when I say I’m planning to go to a game set at a wizards university, “but not that one!” (TERF’s can just fuck off, by the way, It shouldn’t need to be said, but why take a chance on that?) I’m also starting to brainstorm character goals, which are as barebones as my character ideas at the moment, but here goes:
1: Look good. We all have reasons why we LARP, and costume is one of mine.
2: Do wizard shit. Cast spells, be involved in rituals, get myself almost fireballed or turned into an orangutan. (Oook!) Basically, to involve myself in the game, and justify travelling all that way.
3: Romance. In game as in life, it can be a terrifying experience, but it’s also a hell of a lot of fun.
4: Make a name for myself, or at worst a reputation. Either the sort of “Oh, X is here, he’ll save us!” or make the IC admin team curse admitting me.

Time for bed. Goodnight all. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning…

You’ve been down too long in the midnight sea

Dio: Dreamers Never Die (2022)

I laughed, I air guitared, I wept.

I’ve long tried to explain just how and why heavy metal means so much to me. How these absurd songs performed by (mostly) men in denim and leather* (and occasionally spandex) have given me a reason to get up, to keep going, to light my darkest hours. This is music that took a scrawny, perpetually anxious kid and gave him a sense of purpose, of strength. A feeling of belonging, the sense that someone halfway across the world felt as fucked up and miserable as I did, and put it in a song. For years Black Sabbath’s Paranoid was my theme tune and I still can’t decide if that was a good thing. Still, likely better than Snowblind, eh? To be clear, I had a relatively happy childhood, and love my parents. Don’t take this the wrong way. But depression and anxiety, we’ve known each other a very long time.

Metal became an outlet for my frustrations, a way of venting my fury at well, the world. An outlet for exploring things I denied myself, or didn’t feel comfortable admitting. I’m still coming to terms with a lot of those sorts of issues. It’s been said that my love of tales of rock and roll excess, while not partaking myself, is one of the great hypocrisies of my life and I’d agree with you on that. Control issues, and not being willing to let go? Yeah, that’s me. Despite all that, emotion is something I do at full blast, whether that be attempting to explain Babylon 5 to my mother in law without spoiling how Sleeping in Light breaks me into tiny pieces or the fact that just typing the words Tales of Ba Sing Se has me trying, and failing, not to cry. So, there’s going to be some wild and over the top hyperbole incoming, and I mean every fucking word of it.

I was aware of the works of Ronnie James Dio, mostly as an 80’s throwback. I discovered metal in the 90’s, aka the decade described by comedian and metal fan Andrew O’Neill as ‘when all your favourite bands went shit.’ It was a strange time – Iron Maiden and Judas Priest lost iconic frontmen (happily both returned after a few years), Metallica released the Black album and gained twice as many fans than they lost and to this day I still can’t stand Pantera – not that the band are bad, but every fan of theirs I knew at the time was a violent meathead and the association stuck. Now, I’m not saying every Pantera fan is a violent thick headed fuckwit, but you may have to work to prove you aren’t one. (I have the same problem with Australian flag capes and Southern Cross tattoos.) Singer Phil Anselmo’s far right outbursts over the years haven’t helped things either. It was a time when the more absurd excesses of the 80’s were (mostly) swept under the rug and songs about dragons and wizards were not on the agenda.

So yeah, I was aware of Dio, mostly through the gloriously Dungeons and Dragons-esque video for Holy Diver. It wasn’t until the release of the Black Sabbath compilation The Dio Years that I truly dug into his work and holy crap, it was one of those ‘Where has this been all my life?’ kind of moments, much like my first viewing of Big Trouble in Little China. Yes, these were ridiculous songs about dragons, kings and the power of rock and roll, and that’s exactly my aesthetic. And by Crom, that voice. For someone who claimed to have had no formal vocal training, the power in his voice could shake rooms. The way it lets rip in The Last in Line, or the sheer power in Falling Off the Edge of the World. His delivery of “Look out there’s danger. nowhere to run!” is enough to smash you back against the wall. Therefore, it was quite surprising to discover that his earliest releases were 50’s doo-wop. The man knew of a time before rock and roll…

We get taken through the evolution of his sound, the car crash that nearly killed him and the formation of Elf, who became regular openers for Deep Purple which in turn led to the formation of Rainbow when Purple guitarist Ritchie Blackmore quit. While massively popular in Europe and Japan, they couldn’t crack America and those cracks only got larger when Blackmore decided to move in a more commercial direction. Hence, the first of several dust ups (A running theme of sorts) when Dio stuck to his guns and quit.

Looking for work and running out of money, he stumbled across Tony Iommi in the Rainbow Bar and Grill and the rest, as they say, is history. The album that resulted, Heaven and Hell, lit a fire under Sabbath who’d spent the previous few years in a cocaine haze, but alas, things fell apart during the mixing of the album Live Evil and Dio was out on his own again. It takes us through the glory days of the 80’s, dust ups with band members (Vivian Campbell is heard, not seen) and the dark days of the 90’s, (There’s no mention of his short lived return to Black Sabbath for 1992’s Dehumanizer nor of his messy exit when he refused to support Ozzy Osbourne) and of his return to glory with the retro metal movement of the late 90’s/early 2000’s. Getting to see him with the reunited Sabbath, billed as Heaven and Hell, in 2007 was a bucket list moment, even with the prat a few rows over who kept yelling for Holy Diver. When someone finally managed to explain they were only doing Sabbath songs, the guy started yelling for Paranoid. *sighs*

Alas, we know how the story ends with Dio’s death from cancer in May 2010, and I have zero shame whatsofuckingever in admitting I was weeping at that point. We get to see his final on-camera interview, and given how he’s talking about making another Heaven and Hell record, it’s hard not to feel robbed. Yes, he was 67, but he still had more to give. It wasn’t over, he didn’t get to go out on his terms and that still hurts me.

The film’s a mostly warts and all story of triumph and tragedy, that showcases a man who loved music and was determined to do things his way, no matter the consequences. Someone who loved what he did, no matter how small the venue, and from the video footage we see of some 90’s gigs, the venues were pretty bloody small. Someone who’d anything for a fan, even to the extent of helping talk down a suicidal fan with the offer of a hug. The bonus footage from the cinema screening contained some extra gems, with the story told by Jack Black about Dio overpowering 3 top of the line microphones while recording his part for Tenacious D’s The Pick of Destiny a highlight for me.

If you’re a fan, you’ll be all over this. And if not, what are you doing with your life? Put some headphones on, Fire up Heaven and Hell and you too will know the glory that was Ronnie James Dio.

That he was taken shed a tear,
His legacy remains,
So he will never die.
Be aware that he’s coming for you.
Look out, look out, look out!
Three Inches of Blood – Look Out

* It brought us all together….

Mistakes were made

Born of nostalgia, some of the worst mistakes. So, how am I? It’s been a while. Well, I’ve my last Brain Care Specialist appointment for the year tomorrow morning, I was a Groomsmen on the weekend at friends wedding, and to top it all off, I made it through my speech without crying, something I did *not* accomplish at the first readthrough of it the night before. Bombshells continues to be delightful – next session they’ll be taking an orphanage worth of children to see one of the PC’s latest movie. There is nothing that can go wrong. I have no idea where Doctor Who is going, but I’m loving the current series. It’s been difficult keeping things spoiler free, as wife hasn’t seen it and I do not want to be the one responsible for spoiling things. Between being wrecked from work and a lacklustre night of sleep, I didn’t make it to sword tonight. I should be asleep, and yet I’m here typing. But what’s the mistake I made that I’m so compelled to write about? Well…

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra popped up on Netflix. I remember seeing it in the cinema, and not thinking much. The sequel was improved, but more on that later. Anyhow, the brain isn’t great, the resistance is low and I hit play. I’ve made worse mistakes in my time (Seeing Max Payne comes to mind), but this stands among them. I remembered it wasn’t great, but only in going back again did it unleash just how bad it is. Let’s begin shall we?

First off, who made the choice to put lips on Snake Eye’s mask? I’d love to know the design process behind that. The Bat-Nipples were strange, but it was the 90’s. It’s not much of an excuse, but it’s something.
Secondly, making a 23 minute toy commercial and trying to make it all gritty and serious, something that’s also plagued the Transformers films. Look, the cartoon was absurd and over the top, what was the harm in trying for that tone? Does everything need to be gritty and serious? Can we not have fun watching a Batman film?
Marlon Wayans ‘acting’, and I use the term loosely, is an acquired taste, one that a notoriously picky eater like myself has refused to acquire. In his defence, I’ve only seen him in two things, this and Dungeons and Dragons, and neither is exactly a showcase for his… talents.
The underwater battle at the end of the film, that wants to be a nautical Return of the Jedi but turns out more like Thunderball.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt spends most of his screen time buried under prosthetics and while he’s going for full ham, it just doesn’t work. Chris Latta left some very big shoes to fill.
Sienna Miller tries, but lacks the accent for the Baroness. And tying her into Duke’s backstory makes things needlessly convoluted and coincidental. So, you’re telling me this grunt’s ex is now being mind controlled by the bad guy, who’s also her brother who the grunt thought he failed to save? That level of coincidence only happens in bad comics, and occasionally in games I run.

The good, and there is… some:
Every time Storm Shadow loses his shirt. Lee Byung-hun isn’t quite my cup of tea, but damn…
I spent the time during Brendan Fraser and Kevin J O’Conner’s cameos thinking of a much better Stephen Sommers film I could be watching. Speaking of that film, Arnold Vosloo looks to be having the most fun out of any of the cast in this film, which given that Channing Tatum, Christopher Ecclestone and Sienna Miller (who hadn’t known they made a second one) have nothing positive to say doesn’t seen that hard. Ecclestone does manage to sound Scottish at times though, which is more than Destro ever managed in the cartoon.

Is it bad and should you watch it? Yes and No. It’s not Transformers; Revenge of the Fallen, but I’ve taken shots to the knackers more pleasant than that film. Now, to speak of the sequel… 2013’s GI Joe: Retaliation still isn’t a good film, but it’s a vastly more entertaining one. Jettisoning most of the cast of the first film (The only returning cast being Ray Park (Snake Eyes), Jonathan Pryce (The President/Zartan), Byung-hun and Tatum) and adds The Rock, who A: is aware of what sort of film he’s in and what the audience want, that being him shooting giant guns and showing off his arms. It also mostly discards the gritty tone for a more over the top feel, best illustrated by the sequence that has groups of colour coded ninjas having sword fights while swinging from mountains. Jonathan Pryce spends most of his time chewing the scenery, which nicely makes up for Bruce Willis mostly sleepwalking through it. All in all, it’s just more fun, and that’s what I wanted. I went in hoping for a stupid action movie and I got one.

it is now long past time for sleep. Good night all. Be seeing you….

Pride and S-foils to attack positions!

So, I’m going to start with what I assume you’re all raring to see: a update on my progress through the BBC Pride and Prejudice. Well, we’re through episode 3 and while I haven’t seen any further Doctor Who alumni, Mr Collins later played Cicero in Rome. a show that deserved more airtime damnit. The accent caught my ear, and a quick Google confirmed it. I also can’t help but think that the lady playing Mrs Bennett played Mrs Miggins in Blackadder the Third. She didn’t (I checked), but I can’t help but think it whenever she starts to speak. I really hope I’m not alone in that…

Mr Bennett’s dry gives no fucks attitude is a refreshing contrast, and I’m curious to see how he’s represented in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I’m also slightly kicking myself for not comparing Mr Darcy’s time brooding to his time spent speaking – I was half expecting him to make it through all of episode 2 without speaking. Still, Firth broods really well. It’s the sort of brood I’d expect to see on a gargoyle in Gotham City, quality stuff. It takes work and skill to do that sort of thing and the further I get into the show, the more I can understand the cult that built up around the performance.

Moving on, let’s analyze some recent trailers! First off, the announcement trailer for Star Wars: Squadrons, EA’s latest multiplayer game.

I can sum up my initial feelings in two words:

Danger. Zone.

To give some more detail, this is the sort of game I’m after. I spent a lot (and I mean a lot) of my teens playing through X:Wing and TIE Fighter and the idea of a modern version of those games has long been a dream of mine. While the Battlefront games (both old and new) had their moments, they didn’t scratch the itch enough for my tastes. The trailer looks mighty spiffy, both sides have female pilots (Representation, fuck yeah!) and we get a quick look at Hera Syndulla and Wedge Antilles. Though TIE Bombers having a beam weapon (as seen at 1:08) – where the hell was that? I’m not as up on Star Wars canon as I used to be, but if someone can explain that I’d appreciate it.

Cars, sports, beer? Nahhh, this was my Friday nights as a teen.

I’m still not quite sold on multiplayer gaming (Outside of Destiny 2 my biggest stint was playing Battlefield 1942 back in the day) and was very pleased by the inclusion of a single player campaign, but I’m certainly looking forward to trying to shoot down friends. Mostly, I just want the experience of being in a massive skirmish and not having to be the main character. Let me fly in the Battle of Endor or Jakku and let me go. If friends can heckle me as I get shot down constantly, all the better. Hey, I love the games but I’ve never claimed to actually be good at them.

The mix of ships seems standard, though I eagerly await the complaining about bringing in EU ships, or trying to balance the TIE Defender against everything else. I’m biased – the X:Wing is one of my favorite fictional ships, matched only by the Earth Alliance Starfury and I’m always keen for the chance to sit behind the controls. I may have spent more time playing TIE Fighter and the Empire does have a snappier theme tune, but to lock S-foils in attack position is a childhood dream.

It’s just gorgeous and NASA want to adopt the design.

Moving on, we also got the first trailer for the long in development hell Bill and Ted Face the Music.

I don’t know what to think. I have a lot of love for those movies, though I’m the first to admit that parts haven’t aged all at well. The story idea seems strong, at least workable, we don’t see enough of the cast to really get an image, but Reeves and Winter sure look like they never left the roles. Granted, Reeves is more well known these days for murdering his way through most of New York’s underworld in the John Wick movies, so seeing him as the lovable slacker we met him as mostly makes nostalgic for my youth and feel very old.

Mostly, I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping it doesn’t suck, you know? Belated sequels aren’t a good starting point, so I’m hoping this works. Better representation, hopefully giving the princesses and their offspring something to do and telling a good story. Isn’t that too much to ask? I’d just be happy of 2020 gave us some good news, something to enjoy you know? Surely we can get that, can’t we?

Addendum: Clothes maketh the man

Bit of a short update that I meant to add to the last entry. My wife and I are currently watching Good Omens, having recently finished season 1 of The Witcher. We enjoyed the show, but I can’t argue with my wife’s reaction at the end of the season, which I will sum up here: “WHAT? The whole things been a prelude?” The cast do their jobs well, especially the children, and Henry Cavill has quite the talent for conveying a lot with a look and an annoyed grunt. (And is quite the Warhammer 40K nerd) If I had to pick, I’m really not a fan of the amount of reverse grip nonsense in the sword work. I’m still not sure where that trend started, but I think The Force Unleashed? Look, it’s pretty, and works well for the show, but even as a novice historical fencer it bugs the hell out of me.

Witcher grunt

As for Omens we’re 4 episodes in at the time of writing and it’s beautifully Pratchett in feel. It’s been a long time since either of us have read the book, though I’ll likely go through it when we’re done with the show. I didn’t want to be constantly going “But this was different in the book!” all the way through it. I’m sure there are changes, but I’m content to wait to re-discover them. It should come as no surprise that I’d like a lot of Crowley’s costume in my wardrobe, though I couldn’t hope to match David Tennant’s swagger in a million years. Or the scarves, though that’s more for my rather long and scrawny neck. And yes, Aziriphale’s coat is lovely, but I really don’t think that colour is me.

Omens

Staying with costumes, another few photos from the new production of Dune have been released, and well, they’re quite pretty. I can’t help but think back to the rubber(?) stillsuits from the Lynch movie and wonder how uncomfortable they must have been to wear. I’ve a making of the film book around here somewhere, I must dig it out at some point.

Be seeing you.

Thoughts. I has them.

My therapist today said I’m making good progress. I am pleased with this. I’ll be talking about The Rise of Skywalker, recent Doctor Who and other media things. There be mild spoilers ahead mateys!

Book wise, I finished Kings of the Wyld by Nicholas Eames. It’s set in a world where D&D style adventurers are like rock stars in our world, with bookers, promo and the like. It’s about a group of adventurers who used to be stars, but are now old, fat or drunk. And then all of a sudden, they have to get the band back together. Shenanigans ensure. Hilarious, occasionally heartbreaking and stuffed with fun, I love the running gag about who every bard who joins them dies. I’m planning to grab the sequel next payday. 🙂

Doctor Who has returned! We’re two eps in to the new season at the time of writing, and it was wonderful*. I’m a little sad Missy didn’t get to meet 13, but that’s what Big Finish is for. Gomez was wonderful in the role, and I liked the attempt at a redemption arc for her in Capaldi’s last season, but I love having a Master who’s a right proper villain back. No ‘trying to stop the Magna Carta being signed’ nonsense, this was villainy with a capital V. Roger Delgado’s Master would be proud. The second episode suffered a little (What actually was the plan? Also, I was watching on my phone on a train, which never helps), but as with part 1 the final few minutes more than made up for any possible shortcomings. I’m still not quite sold on having 3 companions, but i wouldn’t cut any of the current 3.

Also: I WANT THAT COAT.

Moving to The Rise of Skywalker. Yes, I went to a midnight screening. It’s hard for me to talk about and still remain unbiased, but I’ll try. There were moments I loved, that thrilled me with childlike glee and had me punching the air with joy. At the same time, there were moments that had me cocking my head and going ‘Ya fucken what?‘ at the screen. And there was some sadness and tears, as expected and the ache of what could have been. Because well…

This wasn’t the film we would have got had Carrie Fisher still been with us.

Don’t get me wrong, I thought that what they did with the footage they had was wonderfully done. She was a big part of the story (Unlike Rose – NOT HAPPY JJ), but I wanted more – this was supposed to be Fisher’s spotlight film after all. Can we get a Leia training Rey novel, please? (I know about Resistance Reborn, but haven’t had the chance to read it yet.) It’s just I’m greedy and I want to see her more of her – can you blame me? Also, in the entire saga there’s only been three female characters who’ve held lightsabers on screen and had dialogue (Film canon only – I count Leia, Rey and Maz. Yes, I know there’s been other female Jedi but they didn’t speak), and that shit NEEDS TO FUCKING CHANGE.

I miss you Space Mum. Everytime I take my meds I think of you.

I also like the fact that there’s still unanswered questions, but the two halves of my nerd soul war against each other – one side likes the mystery** while the other side screams ‘I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THAT SIDE CHARACTER HAD FOR BREAKFAST 2 YEARS AGO, GIVE ME ALL THE INFORMATION!’*** I’m looking forward to more stories in the universe not based around the Skywalkers. Yes, KOTOR: The Movie could be amazing, but given how much we’ve seen about the Jedi, there’s other parts of the universe that could be explored.

On that note, while re-watching Solo recently I was reminded of a few things.
!: I maintain it could be improved by having Beckett killed (As much fun as Woody Harrelson was having) during the opening job and Val being Han’s mentor.
2: I’d have loved the story of the job that got Han in debt to Jabba, rather than an origin story. I’m over them at the moment. To fly off on a slight tangent, I also like the idea that our first glimpse of Doctor Strange in the MCU was in Thor: Ragnarok, rather than his own movie. Earth has wizards now, deal with it. Back to the points i was trying to make.
3: Not getting to see more of Donald Glover’s Lando would be a damn shame. Ehrenrich did justice to young Han (You gotta have adamantium balls to step into those shoes), but Glover was flat out amazing – the man can wear a cape damn well.
3: It could, and should, have done better by it’s female characters.
4: Maul was a continuity reference too far. If you hadn’t seen the relevant Clone Wars/Rebels episodes, you’d have been completely out of the loop.
5: GIVE US AN ENFYS NEsT AND AHSOKA MOVIE YOU COWARDS.

Please?

That slow drip of information was done well, however, in The Mandalorian. A Fistful of Dollars meets Lone Wolf and Cub, but in spaaaaaace. Roll on season 2. That Pedro Pascal was able to convey so much emotion and character with body movements and his voice was wonderful. Hell, just the silence that followed the line ‘of Alderaan’ in the final ep sent shivers down my spine. And the Child. *squees mightily* That was 3/4’s of why I wanted to show it to my wife. I’ve since been informed by her that ‘I have spoken’ will be used against me. I’m hoping to retort with ‘This is the way’ but I’m not expecting to succeed. I haven’t wanted a suit of that armour so much since my teens. Seeing the Armourer’s helmet, reminiscent of the Corinthian Greek helm, had me almost jumping up and down in glee at the design.

We’ve purchased tickets for the Brisbane run of Good Society****, and character details got released today! Choice is… tricky. I’m hoping to swash my buckle, if you know what I mean, and not make as make of a mess of my characters life as I did at Pax Europa. Blackpowder and Bloodlines tickets are soon available as well, and character ideas are percolating. Mostly around my old adage of ‘The next character I play will carry less junk’ and how I never manage to keep that. The idea is a big game hunter, whom others in his family may have issues with – why do you think he’s journeyed so far from home? So, that’s hunting clothes and a fancier wardrobe for parties, bow, arrows and quiver, likely sword and dagger, other misc kit, and storage for said items. Perhaps a facial scar or two and some bling for my hair and/or beard. Oh, and some colonial era white privilege. My tall boots need to be resoled, and I also need to get back into shooting practice. Busy times ahead!

Enough for now. Sleep beckons. Be seeing you…

* Yes, I avoided saying ‘masterful’ on purpose.
**To quote G’Kar again: “They are a mystery. And I am both terrified and reassured to know that there are still wonders in the universe, that we have not yet explained everything.”
*** My wife asked me, quite pointedly, why I was OK with “How’d you get up there?” “Wasn’t easy!” in Big Trouble in Little China, yet wanted more details from this. I’m not exactly sure, but since the SW universe is vastly more detailed, I guess I want to read that.
**** I’m seeing the Iron Maidens the night of the Sydney run, and need to be back for that.

Keanu Reeves murders (almost) everyone.

JOHN WICK CHAPTER 3: PARRABELLUM, AKA KEANU REEVES WEARS A SHARP SUIT AND KILLS AN ABSOLUTE FUCKTON OF PEOPLE. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, IF THEY MAKE ANY MORE OF THESE HE’S GOING TO MURDER A SMALL COUNTRY’S WORTH OF PEOPLE I’M NOT KIDDING.

Look, it doesn’t fit anywhere near as well on a poster, but it’s a far more representative picture of the film.

There’s a small clutch of films that whenever I watch them I have the urge to drop a solid chunk of money on a quality suit, neaten my hair and beard and then, well, walk around I guess? I’ve never gotten that far in the planning stage. Mostly it’s the Bond films, but I think I have to add the Wick saga to that. In RPG terms, It’s not quite Feng Shui: The Movie (That title will forever and always belong to the frankly unbeatable brilliance of Big Trouble in Little China), but if you aren’t using that system to represent this world, you’re doing this wrong. Weapons are shown in almost fetishistic detail, perfect for that game, and there’s some incredible skill on display in their use – while there’s the odd quick cut, for the most part it’s long takes of people messing each other up in increasingly brutal, and occasionally ridiculous ways and the stunt work is frequently jaw dropping in it’s skill and execution.

Keanu Reeves stars as 'John Wick' in JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM.
Told you. That’s damn sharp.

Keanu Reeves returns in the title role as the former hit-man dragged back into the life, and he certainly wears a suit well. I’m not sure I’ve seen one worn with such style since Chow Yun-Fat in The Killer, one of the few films able to match this one for sheer scope of carnage. Halle Berry isn’t in it as much as you’d expect given her prominence in publicity and Laurence Fishburne appears to be having more fun than you at all times. He has some competition on that front from Mark Dacascos who seems to be enjoying himself so much I wouldn’t be at all shocked if he’d taken the part for free. (A harsher critic could say that being in a big budget film that’s actually seen in cinemas might also be a factor, but I’m not that person.)

There’s the odd burst of ‘Hey, it’s that guy!” with Brooklyn 9-9’s Detective Pimento and Bronn from Game of Thrones appearing. At least I thought it was Bronn, the accent he was using made it difficult to tell without a mid film visit to IMBD and my phone remained firmly turned off during the film. I’m a sucker for a good arming montage (My favorite still being the frankly hilarious one in Schwarzenegger’s Commando) and this one has a doozy, complete with a cheerful nod to Reeve’s past work that I won’t spoil. It’s not quite the equal of John Wick Chapter 2’s, but what’s the point in exactly repeating things?

5c40ae895241470c755abe44-1200
Holy shit, I’m on a horse!

We start with Reeves in serious trouble, and the amount he’s in only increases as the film goes on. Points to the writers for upping the scale of things, as the film moves around sharply, with Wick busily proceeding to chop, stab, shoot and punch his way through an awful lot of New York, with one early kill aided by a copy of Dante’s Inferno. I can picture the writers room high as kites on sugar, “So we’ve just had Wick have a gunfight in a stable, so what if he gets into a gunfight while riding a horse, against people on motorbikes? Oh, and later can he ride a motorbike and get into a sword-fight against a bunch of other people on motorbikes?” I can practically hear the high-fives as I type this.

Our guide to this world and it’s rules and regulations is Winston (Ian McShane), who has a tone and gravitas in his voice that not only will I buy whatever he’s selling, but I’ll buy immediately and thus get the free set of steak knives. For a criminal organization it’s incredibly well structured, with a complex set of rules and guidelines. The near mystical gold coins as payment, bloody thumbprints in lockets to signify favors owed and adjudicators to ensure the laws are held to. It’s the sort of nonsense that you’d expect to find in a game of Dungeons and Dragons and would seem utterly ludicrous but given how seriously everyone takes it, it works.

Winston-John-Wick-3-Blue-Coat-600x800
Also, a very sharp coat there.

The increasing scope across the three films thus far has been slowly allowed to reveal itself, which is, to me, a far more elegant way to do things than a film 1 info dump. Sure, I do occasionally wonder at the sheer scale of things, or smaller questions such as just how many people in New York belong to this group of assassins and how Wick hasn’t yet murdered them all in the previous films. I’m more than aware of New Yorker’s reputation for giving no fucks whatsoever, but I’m fairly sure that were this many bodies dropping on this regular a basis in public places that someone would be saying something, right?

Expanding the scope and mythology of your universe can be tricky. The Empire Strikes Back did it well, the Matrix sequels less so. In fairness, I’m not sure on that – I saw both the Matrix sequels at midnight premieres back in the day and haven’t gone back since. I left them angry. Not as angry as after the second Hobbit film, but that’s a different story. Mostly when I remember those two films I think back to my early to mid 20’s bullshit and how much of a twat I could be and I’m really not proud of that. It took me a long time to work past that and I still quake with shame at some of my actions. I can’t take them back, but at least I can learn from them and hopefully not repeat them. On the bright side, it’s around that time I finally came clean, and became an open and proud Iron Maiden fan, as opposed to treating them as a long time guilty pleasure. So, that’s something good and up the Irons! Getting back on topic…

If you know what you’re in for, you’ll love this. If you don’t want to see Reeves dressed well and murdering a whole lot of people with some incredible skill, then this might not be the film series for you. A 4th film has already been announced, and if it hadn’t been the films end would have all but confirmed that. In any case, I can’t wait for the next one and I’m sorely tempted to go back and see this one again. Possibly while wearing a suit…

4 and a half fancy shotguns out of five.

shoutybeardything

Category TV/Movie review