Author Archives: shoutybeardything

Phenomenon: 2025 Edition!

Another Phenomenon has finished and I find myself back at home again starring at reality. As always, I’m shattered with exhaustion and semi lucid, but running 9 sessions from 11 will do that to you. Good times. Quotes from my event will be in italics scattered about, with no context given. (As far as I know they’re all correct, but feel free to correct me if not) Consider that incentive to sign up for my events in future, as my players are fucking hilarious. Anyhow, let’s commence the recap!

Overall, it’s been bloody lovely. There’s been some wonderful compliments towards me and my event, though the highlight was being told in another game someone was trying to describe an NPC’s hair and beard, which was summed up as “Just like Gav.” I’m very pleased by that, and have made sure not to ask who the NPC in question was. The event organisers and volunteers continue to be lovely, supportive and encouraging and I adore them for it. It feels like being back amongst my people when I walk in, and that was before I found out that I was A: in the same room the entire con and B: it was on the ground floor and close to a bathroom. It’s the little things that can matter the most.

“Lawrence, I’ve been informed you were trained at some sort of Police Academy. I’ve seen those movies and I’m not impressed.”

“How’s things been? Apart from the cancer?”

“Of course they can fit it in the engine, they don’t call it a mini gun for nothing!”

Anyhow, my event. There was frantic re-writing beforehand (I look back fondly on the first of my Musketeers games which was play-tested a month before the event, something I’ve never managed again) and stress. I may take too much joy from people enjoying my work, but I continue to be nervous before my con games. As always, after the first session I shouldn’t have. One of my regulars commented it was his 2nd, maybe 3rd, Pheno with his first session being my game, and he was very pleased by that. Post session, there was quite the sigh of relief. Had a player later either at her first con, or her first roleplaying game (I don’t remember), but if that was her first game she’ll be stunning going forward. Felt good to be back in the saddle.

“They don’t expect the first explosion, but we’ve got more explosions to come.”

“The recoil on the shotgun will lift us higher.”

“The motion tracker from Aliens, but for printers.”

Overall, the game itself went as well as I’d hoped for, though I’m willing to admit some sessions were better than others. Nothing to do with the players, but I’m the first to admit my 1st 2 sessions on the Sunday weren’t quite up to my usual standards – the first session on daylight saving day is always a crap shoot and 3 players left me scrambling to fill a few more gaps. The afternoon session was restrained, owing to a friend of mine’s kid being a player. The kid was spectacular though, and thoroughly deserved the trophy I gave him. Anyhow, that restraint might be how the late session Sunday ended up as a torrent of filth. I may have cracked open that particular Pandora’s (Shoe) Box, but the players ripped it open and let the horror flow freely. Turned out the movie in that session was part funded by product placement/sponsorship from Wikifeet (If you don’t know what that is, don’t search for it) and the level of filth went to 11. Thousand.

“The good news is, I’m a notoriously bad shot. The bad news is, I’m shooting to wound.”

“That might be the worlds largest Rick-Roll?”

“There’s a bunch of settings on the side (of the taser): Recharge, Tickle, Incapacitate, War Crime.”

The final 2 sessions (On the Monday of the con) were minimal dice, maximum narration. We were all incredibly tired, on the same level and I spent a lot of it trying not to collapse from laughter. I think the morning session was the point at which we mutually tried to connect the film to as many fictional universes as possible. So, the people who freeze frame the film will spot shout outs to this company, mentions of these fictional companies and various actors are either in cameos, or in the background. 1 session had Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny playing a characters parents, while the scores at the virtual target practise software in another had the names J Steed, M Smart and I Gadget. I bloody love my players, especially when they match my style of crazy.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever described an axe being touched as sensual.”

“The only people I’ve upset is the Homeowners Association and I can take them.”

“If it’s an Eastern European possum, then it’s a raccoon, and has a moose friend and I hate them both!”

The following are out of context highlights. Brace yourselves.
The mysterious island the bad guy’s base was located on was shaped like a large foot in the ‘funded by Wikifeet’ session. They entered the caves underneath through a gap between the toes.
Me hearing a player mention using an AR15 and immediately thinking “AR15 – when you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucking student in the school, accept no substitute.” I’m not proud.
One of the hacker’s contacts being the actual Nicholas Cage.
All the sex dungeon jokes in one session.
The ways some groups took over the villain’s organisation. Some were intimidation, most involved murder, and in one case a PC snuck up behind him and cut his throat while he was on a zoom call with his underlings.
The way the driver’s (played by Helen Mirren) car having an increasingly large central console with the standard gears being Neutral, Reverse, Drive and Donuts.
What was possibly the world’s largest Rick-Roll.
A bomb detonation being stopped by a knife being thrown into a hand. (I like to think wherever he is that Clancy Brown smiled at that point)
The running gag of “technobabble” “In English?”
Wanting to hear Helen Mirren say “Ooops, had the silly thing in reverse.”

“You didn’t kill my father, will you stop saying that!”

“I’m not that much of a dick, I’m only a mild amount of dick.”

“Valkyrie, Miss Piggy, either way they’re both women we’re not going to fuck with.”

It was fucking glorious. I didn’t get sick this year, even if the plan to nap in my spare sessions didn’t quite work out. The joy of compliments, and plotting new ideas. Some of them include:
5 versions of Batman have to work together. (There may be a secret session with 4 of them being Adam West, with the last PC being the actual Adam West)
Staff at a fantasy charity shop dealing with cursed magic items.
Elderly thieves have to escape from a heavily fortified retirement home.

Anyhow, time for sleep. You should be planning to attend next Pheno.

Stabbing and falling and punching and crawling…

No, the title has nothing to do with my mental state, it’s more that Halestorm’s version of Dissident Aggressor (Surely I don’t need to state the original was by Judas Priest?) is a stone cold banger. You could also take it as a meditation on what it takes to get through some days, but I try not to get too philosophical this early in these things.

So, what have I done of late and why haven’t I written? For starters, my left wrist has been wonky the last few weeks, and it’s kept me from sword. I shouldn’t be able to hear grinding when I rotate my hand, right? To say nothing of the muscle on the back of my left hand tensing up. Yes, I know I should see a doctor, but I’ve had stuff on, OK?

I attended the wedding of 2 friends last week, and was very good and kept to the dress code (New kilt, yay! Also, it has a pocket!) and didn’t take a LARP weapon with me. I first met the couple through LARP, hence the possibility of weaponry, and have been at a few weddings that could have been improved by carrying one (As could almost everything), but I was fairly certain that doing so wouldn’t have been appreciated. So, instead of causing a scene, I was good, and wish the rest of the happy couple’s lives together be as happy as a Maiden gig when Fear of the Dark kicks in.

I’ve had a couple of bits drafted, the longest one being about the Triple J Australian Hottest 100 and how WRONG and UTTERLY STUPID the voting public are. Yes, my tastes aren’t shared by the masses and ordinarily I have far less of a problem with that, but Khe Sanh getting more votes than Highway to Hell? Made things even worse seeing the songs that came in 101 to 200, to add insult to injury. Alone With You was at #160? (I’m) Stranded only came in at #124? NOT A SINGLE RADIO BIRDMAN TRACK? I’ll spare you my further screaming about it, but seeing Ben Lee’s Catch My Disease there did make me want to punch something. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but I fucking hate that song.

Yes, I hold musical grudges as bitter as any of the other illogical grudges I carry with me long past any sane expiry date. Surely that’s no surprise by now? It’s rarely against performers themselves (Unless they’ve done a shit cover of something I love), but there’s far too many songs out there who’s success utterly mystifies and/or infuriates me. For example, I take a large amount of delight from knowing that everyone involved with the song Groove Is In The Heart will eventually die. I don’t want them dead now, to be clear, but knowing it will someday happen is something I look forward to. It’s much in the same way that John Rogers (Leverage creator) once said “I do cardio because I need to live long enough to piss on a lot of graves.” Anyhow, I scrapped that piece after seeing that First Dog on the Moon beat me to it and did it in a way far more amusing than I could. I do humbly disagree with him on the best Ramones lyric though, which is clearly the opening of “I Just Want To Have Something to Do.” Tell me I’m wrong. *waits* YOU CAN’T CAN YOU?

(The Turnbuckles and Scientists are also well worth your time. EDUCATE YOURSELVES HEATHENS!)

The main distraction was my event for Pheno, which I tested last weekend and it… Didn’t go well. All hail to my playtesters for their patience and tolerance, and the feedback given will make for a much improved event. I wasn’t ready, even more so than normal, and it showed. I’d also committed the cardinal sin of not talking to my wife about it, which is the first thing I generally do with my games. Yes, it had been nearly 2 years since I’d GMed and have been rattier than normal (Turns out the retail part of my job being quiet of late weighs on me more than I thought), but that doesn’t excuse things. Still, changes have been made, plots rewritten and the enterprise is shaping up nicely. Moral of the story is, thank your playtesters people, they are worth their weight in dice!

In other long delayed achievements, I finally passed my driver’s test and am now allowed to drive solo! I thought I’d fucked it up again so being told I’d passed meant restraining a yell of triumph. It also meant I managed to get my P’s before Niece, Age 17, got her full license, but she has things that are alien to me, like self esteem. After a shaky start, I’m now perpetually torn when behind the wheel between a burst of nerves as soon as I see another car near me and wanting to scream “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU INCOMPETENT P’TAKH? May Fek’lhr visit your soul with a thousand tortures before you next sit behind the wheel!” If you’re going to road rage, do so in a way that utterly confuses the person you’re screaming at. And don’t get me started on pedestrians – “Lady, there’s a crossing barely 50 metres away, why in the actual fuck are you trying to cross here?”

On the bright side, as a reward I bought another LARP sword! #treatyoself The store it came from didn’t have the axe I was after on the day, but given the time it took to get to the event they were at, there was no way in hell I was leaving without a weapon of some sort. Now, if only there was a game near me I could use it at, as all it’s doing currently is sitting next to my writing desk ready for me to twirl it dramatically from time to time. There’s worse uses for a blade. Alas, the next Concord came up too quick and it’s too close to Pheno, and the battle games near me aren’t my thing. At least, I assume they’re still running. It’s back to the old position of ‘if I want something that’s my style I’ll have to be part of the GM crew.’ Either way, it’ll have to wait till after Pheno. I’ve already had 2 workable ideas for 2026 (Both tabletops), and I don’t need more getting in the way of that. Yes, I know that’s only a week away, but I’m nervous enough about the bloody thing. No matter how many I run, I still get spooked hoping that people will enjoy it. I choose that to be a good thing.

I’ve also found some more RPG’s I’m keen to try, and they’re all Borg. No, not that sort of Borg. This sort: Pirate, Dukk and Ninja. Me being keen on Pirate Borg should be about as surprising as my wife being a fan of Stray Kids, and Dukk is a post apoc doom metal version of Duck Tales (Woah-oh!), a premise so utterly insane it needs to be on my gaming shelf. There’s one issue with Ninja Borg though, and that’s while it looks near perfect for the sort of over the top wackiness I run, I’m not sure I can support a game that not only foolishly claims ninjas are better than pirates, but sells merch I find personally offensive?

Anyhow, it’s past 1am as I type, and from past experience my writing only get’s less coherent at this point. Good night. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

I AM WOODEN MAN!

*cue Tony Iommi riff*

So, the first batch of photos from Ravenswood Institute recently emerged, and now I understand why players said they had no idea who was in the Automaton suit. I’m still a bit sad that, as far as I know, there’s no footage of him walking around. I completely understand why only approved crew have cameras, as I’ve been at fantasy LARPs where players have had phones out and recording during game play and it BOILS MY BLOOD*, , but to see what it looked like from the other side would be lovely, you know? in any case, I continue to patiently wait for more photos to emerge, and not just ones with me in them.

Took a lot of willpower not to end sentences “This is the way.”

There’s been further planning for next event (Tickets are already on sale!), and I’m trying to be good and not buy more costume parts** yet. It’s helped that I’m mostly fixated on making Phys Ed better, and more inclusive, rather than how I’m dressed. Can’t take the field? I’m hoping at the very least you’ll watch, and that I can get you involved somehow. Being inclusive is important to me, and I want as many people to enjoy my events. Yes, I know I won’t have everyone on the field, but I don’t want people to feel as if they missed out owing to factors beyond their control. The fact that Phys Ed was embraced so eagerly is still a huge weight off my shoulders and brought me almost as much joy as hearing that I made people cry during my time as the Automaton. I was crying during the performance, and it’s heart warming to see the audience felt that way as well.

Work continues to go along. I seem to have a bunch of regulars at the store and my banter seems to be well received. Seeing positive reviews people have left about me has been wonderful. I got to meet Human Nephew*** for the first time yesterday, and he didn’t immediately freak out when he was handed to me, which was nice. My wife said he was really enjoying being patted to the sound of drums, at which I cackled madly with joy. He will be like us! I’m back doing driving lessons again, and I’m not sure what’s more odd, that I told my instructor a heavily censored version about an incident involving a certain Cradle of Filth shirt (If you don’t immediately know the one I mean, I’d turn safe search on), or that I spent most of my last lesson with the opening of the theme to Mr Squiggle stuck in my head. My brain continues to be odd. (On that note, yes, I’m aware of the exhibit and am sorely tempted to make a day trip to see it)

LARP wise, I’m still focused on Ravenswood, continue to be curious about Drachenfest (It’s proximity to Pheno continues to be an issue), have had several WA friends try to get me over for Concord and Lost Settlers announced dates for next year. So many events, so little time… And that’s without mentioning my wife reminding me about the New Zealand scene. I do miss running about with foam swords and shouting, but given I can’t even fly the skull and crossbones from my balcony, I don’t think I should engage in that sort of behaviour at home. I managed to get through Winterfest without buying another weapon, but that’s only cause a dagger I was keen on had sold out when I went back to buy one. Still, the hood I bought helped keep the sun off my face on the Sunday, and that was welcome. As for the upcoming Blacktown event, I’m tempted to take my fencing gear one day, but go in costume the next. It’s been far too long since I wore my giant hat out and more people need to see it’s glory.

A bearded man wearing a giant leather hat.
Is it not magnificent?

As for home, the new place is going well. We’re mostly settled in and unpacked, though renovation ideas are in motion. The feeling of knowing that it’s ours, and we can decorate as we wish continues to surprise me, and given the corridor between the main and bedrooms is now painted a dark violet, that really shouldn’t do so. I’m still not sure what art I want to put there, or above my writing area. Paralysis of choice is real. I don’t know how people can make an immediate decision and not spend weeks agonising over it, but I envy them however they manage it.

The only other planning of note (asides from Pheno), has been for future birthday events. I have a few ideas for combined movies and themes (ie, a theme of weird science and the film The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension), but one thing is confirmed, at least, at the time of writing. My 50th is still several years away, but there’s a film that’s very precious to me that I’ve somehow never seen in a cinema. What film, I hear you ask? Well, it has it’s flaws, and it’s lack of adherence to the source material is pretty damn strong, but the visuals and music made such an impact on me that I invoked it on no less than my wedding day. And really, hitting the half century seems an appropriate day to have the King of Aquilonia’s chronicler tell you of the days of high adventure…

Right. Time for bed. Night all. Sleep well. I’ll mostly likely kill you in the morning.

*I’ve been guilty of taking the phone out during quiet times, but I’m trying to keep a lid on it. Leaving it back in the dorm and trying to be more involved in game helps a lot.
** A weight lifting belt over the front of which I cover with leather, and have something Roy and HG-esque written in Futhark on it, with a wand holster on one hip and a hook for my Aether Ball frisbee on the other.
*** The original Nephew is a a Schnauzer and a Very Good Dog. He got 12/10 from We Rate Dogs, so it’s not just us who think so!

The Festival of the Wand, Part Deux!

It’s time for Part 2 of the Festival of the Wand, aka my look at Ravenswood Institute’s second event! (Part 1 can be found here should you require a recap)This less a recap, more an analysis, with regrets and plans for the future. Let’s get to it.

The emotional bleed continues. It’s been a different sort of bleed to Ravenswood last year, or Path of the Warden in 2023. The former was a ‘That was fun and I can do this’ while the latter was ‘I went somewhere knowing no-one and had an amazing time’, coupled with the intensity of the IC romance. (Fingers crossed that game returns as I’d love to continue the story) I’m used to bleed happening, it’s no shock, but this time it’s felt different. A large dose of relief that things worked, coupled with some regrets (Rational and irrational) and wanting things to have been better. Don’t get me wrong, the players seemed to enjoy it and I’ve heard nothing but good things about the event as a whole, but the standard I’d set for myself was higher. I can hyper focus when things aren’t going well, and yeah, the nerves were stressing me in the lead up. Finding out mine was the last event was something else. Yes, it gave me time to build a relationship with the students and staff, and I got some good roleplay in, but the tension, the feelings of just wanting to get it out of the way and done so I could relax. *whoof*

As for bleed, binging Skeleton Crew has helped take the mind off it somewhat, and it was great fun. Made for quite the contrast with Andor S2, the previous Star Wars show I’d watched. I’m soon to head over to S2 of Doctor Who, though no thanks to the Guardian and the Doctor Who FB page, I’m already aware of the season’s big events. You’d think there would be some sort of policy on not putting giant spoilers in article headlines, or giving it a couple of days before you announce them but no… *grumbles* Mind you, I’ve likely not helped things but continuing to listen to my Ravenswood playlist mixed with a lot of AC/DC, but as associated as they are with the event, they still make me happy. I’ve long been curious as to what the reaction would be if you hooked my brain up to an activity monitor and played the opening riff of Whole Lotta Rosie.

Overall, the game was vast amounts of fun. Everyone bought into the setting and atmosphere, worked with the story and went along with all manner of shenanigans. The horse curse was a highlight, as was the finale to the voodoo doll saga. I’ve no idea how it began, but I assume it was a cursed item. If they can’t keep that bloody cabinet locked they don’t deserve to have one if you ask me. I missed the start of it, but the end involved some screaming and confrontation, Physical’s star player collapsing in the lunch area and screaming how his career was over shortly before one of the screaming folks stabbed a blood bag filled voodoo doll. Just your everyday lunch at Ravenswood, especially given the other lunch break featured the Automaton entering and a mass Remove Curse being cast, thanks to yet another cursed item. That bloody cabinet. At least, I believe that’s what happened, and stand happy to be corrected. I don’t think it was the same lunch, as I’m pretty sure the Sunday lunch I spent as the Automaton, or hiding waiting for students to choose what object they’ll scry. It’s all a blur,

“Oh, Yowies — you eat the ass end of them.”
“Ummmmmm…”

The people. From the faculty, to the NPC Magical OH&S inspector (Who’d been determined to shut the school down, but was thwarted by having his notes ‘accidentally’ destroyed) to the student body, we all seemed to understand what we were getting into. The Inspector played the role of ‘officious jerk’ to a T (From talking to him he’s been somewhat typecast, but enjoys it) and I was a little sad Phys Ed ended without him interrupting me to enquire about student safety, as we’d planned the first night. Playing the person everyone hates can be tricky, but every time I saw or talked to him about it he was having a barrel of laughs. Especially on the dance floor Saturday night – I’ve no idea what was done to him to induce that sort of behaviour, but my money’s on some sort of unholy Fae brewed cocktail. Or Truth Serum. Apparently there was a bunch or two of that being brewed up somewhere on campus…

“Some one summoned a yowie and now it’s in the woods”
“There’s 2 boys kissing in the woods?”

The main con is the distance, both to the venue and how the players are scattered about. From what the orgs have said there’s spin off potential, and I think there would be an audience in my neck of the woods, but I’m not head GM material for it. Support staff, hell yes, but not in charge. It was lovely as players began to arrive and the chorus of “Hey, haven’t seen you since last year” began, but I want to see these people more. (Even if I’m not throwing spells at them) It’s a lovely community and I’m really pleased to share a hobby with then. For example, the two people running the hazing ritual Friday night gave me some chocolate Yowie eggs as thanks afterwards. It’s the little things that can mean the most, you know?

“So, just to clarify. Have you just awarded both of the students who were doping?”

This next part isn’t so much Cons, as things I want to do better/wish I’d done.
First, taking better care of myself in the lead up and during the event, mentally and physically. I need reminders for go the fuck to sleep and eat a sensible amount of food before LARP, though the game catering itself was wonderful. You’d think by this stage my nerves would be better, but nope. I can’t help but be in brown trousers mode, whether for doing something new, or going to the other side of the country to play let’s pretend with rules. I choose to take it as a good thing, that I care about it and want it to go well and I really do. I just need to believe other people when they tell me it’ll go well.

Be more organised. The weather can be planned for (And as I’ve already said, the crew did wonderfully), and I knew kind of what I wanted, but hadn’t worked out what order to do games in and how much time things would take. Also, while I had a few cheerfully insulting nicknames prepared, I do want more.

Doing more, whether that be asking more questions, talking to other players and getting reactions. I barely cast a spell all weekend for crying out loud! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to overshadow the students, they’re the reason we do this. As I’ve said, I also really want the Yowie and Automaton to return, but a minor cameo. Too much of a good thing can ruin it, you know? Getting back to Coach, part of the initial idea for the character was him being announced and at least half the staff facepalming while muttering “By Gandalf’s beard, it’s that guy” and that didn’t exactly happen. I didn’t seem to cause any havoc on campus (the students managed more than enough) and that’s certainly a goal for next year. Still, the students seemed happy to see me, even the ones who only watched my class, and that’s a big thing. The trophy has been taken by the orgs and will be in Physical House’s dorm next year. More Phys Ed has been demanded, and who am I to argue with that?

 “THIS IS NOT MOH&S COMPLIANT!”

There’s also a fair whack of things I wanted to do, but didn’t get to, for various reasons. Mostly I wanted to participate more, to establish a reputation. I’ve had moments in games and life where someone will look at me and go “That was you?” and it feels glorious. Sure, of the things I didn’t do I’m glad for – there was a brief moment of temptation to start flirting with the people talking to the Yowie at the dance, but I like to think had the reception been positive I’d have said “I’m sure you’re all lovely, but you’re a tad scrawny and well, hairless for me.” (Though if you think I haven’t done some searching for Ghillie suits or Chewbacca costumes for next year, you would be very wrong) I’m seeking parts that I can add to my costume, but I’m trying to put any purchases off till early net year, or at least till after Pheno in October, which is a lovely convention and I recommend you all attend. I should be writing that game now as I write this.

Still, if I can learn from this and put those lessons into practise for next year, I should be in good stead. Maybe it’ll be one big game instead of some smaller ones or a mini tourney between class breaks? For now, it’ll be a mystery. I’ve submitted my feedback, the orgs are meeting in a few weeks to debrief and plot for the future, and I’m trying to bask in the glow of a job well done, patiently waiting for the event photos (Yes, there’s some of the Yowie and Automaton, not just Coach) and a hell of a lot of lovely compliments.

So, what happens next? Well, for you my dear readers I’ll tell you. Has this piqued your interest? Do you have the urge to cast spells, cause chaos and be abused by a sweary Yowie? Then get on it and join the FB group! Too far away? Ask the orgs nicely, and they may agree to letting you write and run a spinoff! Prepare for next event, and make sure when it’s time you have a ticket to Ravenswood Institute, where too much magic is barely enough!

Festival of the Wand, Part 1!

I have returned from a land beyond space and time, otherwise known as Western Australia, where I’ve been teaching at wizard university (No, not the Unseen one. Sadly). That’s right, it was Ravenswood Institute’s second event and dear readers, I had a blast. Wait, I had a Magic Missile! No. Melf’s Acid Arrow? Thunderwave? Fireball? (OK, I’ll stop now) For I wasn’t a mere student this year, but a member of staff – enter Duncan Kincaid, sports coach and Phys Ed instructor! The following recollections may be inaccurate, be missing important context and will almost certainly contain events I don’t mention during questioning and later rely on in court.

I mean, what other number would I choose? (It looks more purple in the flesh)

I’d enjoyed myself at their opening event last year, and had been kicking around the character idea for most of that time. it appealed owing to the contrast between the more reserved members of staff and a sports obsessed yobbo (Albeit one magically trained) with the short version being “What if HG Nelson taught at [THE MAGIC SCHOOL THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED]?” I’d submitted it to the admins, asking more if I was on the right track than expecting to be given the OK, and to my eternal surprise it was accepted, with a terrifying speed. Learning later the amount of trust they’d put in me, that they saw what I’d brought to the last game and thought my idea could work, was incredibly flattering, and far from the last compliment I’d receive. Still getting used to that. As long time readers may know, I have a teeny problem with self esteem.

So, what happened? Dancing, wizardry, a mechanical beast came to life, strange creatures appeared and cursed items ran amok. Horses, of a sort, cute (and unexpectedly vicious) animals, shouting, far too much rain and some good old fashioned Aussie racism. It’ll make some sort of sense when explained. The Friday was setup and student arrival. A lesson in basic spellcasting took place (as some folks missed it last year which meant they were in strife) followed by after hours shenanigans. There was a request to NPC a Yowie, who was being summoned by the Spiritual Dorm as part of their hazing of new students, with some ‘extra Aussie’ flavour asked for. Challenge accepted! He was meant to be creepy at first, then funnier, but once I got a laugh I couldn’t stop. What followed was regular abuse, insults (*sniffs players hand* “Smells virginal”), some revelations (“How’d you get the name Yowie?” “I dunno, I walk up to folks, they yell “YOWIE!” and run like fuck.”) and more abuse of white people in general. This lead to the recurring question “Are all Yowie’s racist?” and if I had $5 for every time that was asked over the weekend… The summoning circle was broken (as planned) and I escaped, with a loud cry of “Jokes on you dickheads, I’m free again!” It was glorious fun getting to unleash that inner yobbo.

And that’s the only mention she’ll get!

Saturday morning was Magical Foci with Professor Emberleaf, and that was a joy. She’s a wonderful calming presence and as awful as I am at arts and crafts, it was oddly soothing putting something together. Far as I’m concerned, it’s a relaxing amulet to be placed over the dressing room door after a game that helps sooth wounds and tempers. Cursed Objects was next, which meant I was helping with scrying. In short, students were sitting around a table talking to the object in question in a positive tone while crew walked around making noises and trying to put them off. This would last for 10 minutes, with the tension being ratcheted up every 2. The temptation to whisper in people’s ears “Who are you?” and “What do you want?” was presented, and I jumped at it. We almost made one group literally jump when we gently lifted then dropped the table they were sitting around. *maniacal cackle*

I’m artistic!

Rain meant the Magical Creatures excursion had to take place indoors, but we coped. I can’t say enough how well everyone coped with the weather, which wasn’t great. A Quetzalcóatl’s eggs were on display, and the mother herself paid us a visit (a fantastic piece of puppetry courtesy of the Magical Creatures professor). A pair of her eggs went missing, and it seemed as if the rest were about to be stolen, but I missed the rest of that plot line. IIRC Saturday also saw the Horse curse. Basically, a cursed item had gotten loose, and if you touched it, you believed you were a horse. At one point there was half a dozen of them, students and faculty members alike, prancing about. A staff member timed it beautifully walking up to them playing The Horses on his phone just as the chorus started. *chef kiss* Then it was club time, dinner and the school dance, which meant time for Coach to dress fancy!

I am darkness. I am the night. I am Coach!

The dance brought shenanigans, dancing and some light drugging of the inspector who’d come for an OHS look at the school. Oh, and a return appearance from the Yowie. Emerging from the darkness as ‘Every Breath You Take’ played was a beautiful accident I couldn’t have managed if I tried. So, for some folks the first words they heard the Yowie speak was a loud “WHAT THE FUCK? Even I know that’s a song about stalking!” My personal dislike of the playlist bled over, which meant when asked what music he did like, the response was something like “the primal elemental sound of this country. I believe they call it Acca Dacca!” There was more banter, the discovery of his true name (I panicked for some reason and said Artorius, which I’m retconning to Artie) and getting a slightly supercharged spell to send him home. “You hear a loud cry of ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk’ as he disappears.” The super secret faculty after party was crashed by students, and I headed for bed. I’m really hoping the Yowie cameos in future games – I have a head canon vision of him storming into the next dance, marching up to the DJ and demanding “I want a song about a very special lady, and I want it now!” Several minutes of frenzied air guitar later, he vanishes into the night, and I immediately chug a large energy drink/consume half a tins worth of Milo (NOT Kerrigan) to replace what I’ve just sweated. Rock and roll.

Needless to say, I was slightly impaired come Sunday. There was breakfast (Did I mention the event is catered?) and more NPC duty, this time as an automaton with the spirit of the previous Cursed Objects animating it. A long trek out to the woods, waiting followed by more waiting (Some students had activated a curse), but seeing the looks on their faces as it began to move was worth it. There was conversation on the long walk back, and he told the emotional story of his life before and during the scrying ceremony. I cheerfully admit to stealing the entire thing lock stock and barrel from an episode of Crusade, but hearing afterwards that I’d made some of them cry made all the waiting and sweating (By Crom, I’d forgotten just how much sweat dripping in your eyes stings) inside the costume worth it. I was crying too, before you ask.

Enough said.

We also got to be extra creepy during one of the scryings, which was to investigate a cricket ball that had the soul of a small child (I think, I missed a lot of that plot last year) inside. I can imagine that having your eyes closed while 3 people whisper variations on “Mummy, are you there? I’m scared. Mummy, where are you? Mummy, they keep hitting me.” in your ears isn’t fun, but points to the players for somehow not cracking. It was a toss up between that and the specimen jar one, for which I was whispering “I just wanted a chance in life like you. All they do is slice me open and stitch me up again. I can still feel the scalpels…” I remain very glad I was on that end of the ceremony, as I’m all but certain I’d have cracked and fled screaming.

Note: There’s a lot of care taken at the event, with players inputting a list of their dislikes beforehand, and we crew do our best to stay away from them. Also, if you need to step away, you’re more than welcome to put the hand up and walk, no questions asked. Self care is important. The opening for my class stressed there would be coarse language and physical activity, with an overall message of ‘If you aren’t up for it, I don’t need a reason why.”

I don’t have a name for it, but it was $8 very well spent.

Before I’d realised, it was time for Phys Ed, my class, and in the words of one of Australia’s leading stuntmen, “I don’t have the brown underpants on for nothing!” Mercifully the weather had cleared up, and after an opening warning and the casting of a spell of my own devising, that being “Sobrietus, In Extremis”*, we were on! There was sorting them into teams, some meditation and testing how awakened their sense were, by blindfolding half, with the others hurling spell balls at them. It went surprisingly well, with some lovely dexterity on display. A 3-legged race brought out their competitive spirit, with spells being hurled back and forth. Frisbee dodgeball followed and Hot (Potato) Component finished up, with me giving the trophy to 2 players who’d both admitted to taking performance enhancing potions earlier that day. Whoops?

My voice was slightly shot and I was a nervous wreck, but it went really well, and I’m already plotting how to make next years bigger and better, with more audience participation and less illegal doping. Hopefully there’ll be more nicknames, with one player who’d been channelling Elle Woods (Complete with matching Phys Ed lycra – I hadn’t expected her to participate, let alone match outfits) known as Barbie, her more goth compatriot was Wednesday and the school’s resident sports nut, who’s name was Flash, became “Gordon’s Alive.” Hearing people laugh at that damn near made my event. That film is sacred in my house, to the extent there’s a good chance any use of the phrase “I love you” is answered with “But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!”

And it was over, and back to reality. Harrumph. I should sleep now, so I’ll keep you in anticipation for part 2 of the Festival of the Wand, where too much magic is barely enough!

*It was then pointed out the the punch at the dance was non-alcoholic. As it was fey brewed, I stand by my actions.

A series of short reviews

I have seen a bunch of films recently, the urge to write about them hit, so here we are. Mild spoilers to follow.

The Hitman’s Bodyguard
The sort of film that Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L Jackson can do in their sleep. Surprising amounts of fun regardless. 

The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard
More of the same in fancier locations, with the welcome addition of Salma Hayek and a glorious turn from Morgan Freeman.

The Expend4bles
It’s not surprising that they’ve gotten worse the more films they’ve made. The first was a solid action film that coasted more on goodwill and the idea of a bunch of old farts kicking ass than anything, but it’s been a steady downhill since then. For a franchise that based itself around ageing action stars, it shed a lot of them between 3 and 4. This one’s half team film, half Jason Statham solo film, with Megan Fox’s uncannily smooth face, always salon perfect hair and S&M style tactical gear a lowlight. As for the ‘acting’, and I use that term loosely, she’s at least better than 50 Cent, who seems to have spent about that much on an acting coach. I’m not expecting a fifth in the series, but if they can make 5 Scorpion King films…

Thunderbolts*
Just as the 1993 Three Musketeers is a scenery chewing contest between Tim Curry and Oliver Platt, this is a ‘who’s having more fun’ contest between David Harbour and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. I’m aware I’ve missed story beats from projects I’ve not seen, but there wasn’t any great moments of “WTF did I miss?” The story it’s trying to tell kind of works, but the bouncing between broad and bleak comedy wasn’t quite working for me, the sacrificial lamb character being bumped off very early and OH GODS I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I maintain my belief that the MCU should have wound up after Avengers: Endgame, or at least taken a solid couple of years minimum break. It’s not that I’m against it, I’m just so very tired of it. Given recent creative decisions (All of Secret Invasion, the first female led film being after the character was dead, that they still can’t get a Blade script to screen, bringing back RDJ to play Doctor Doom, etc), it feels like the magic has gone, you know? At the very least, it was only about 2 hours long so it didn’t take up an excessive amount of my time. 

Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning
It’s been long enough between drinks that I really should have re-watched Part 1 again beforehand. I’m somewhat glad it’s the final, as I’m not sure the stakes could be raised any higher. Intrigue, double crossing and whacky spy shenanigans abound, though some sequences did feel more than a bit padded. A couple of unexpected call backs had me bouncing with joy, whereas another development had me wondering where it was pulled from. Again, should have re-watched Part 1. But let’s face it, that isn’t why you go to see these films anymore, you go to see Tom Cruise doing absurdly dangerous stunts and more running in one film than a Doctor Who companion does in a lifetime. How no-one has put together a ‘My First Reader’ version of one of these films I’ll never know. “See Tom Run. Run Tom Run. Jump Tom Jump.” It practically writes itself.

Yes, it could be said that the stunts also a testament to his ego, so he could say “I did that!” or how an awful lot of situations end up as ‘Everyone looks to Cruise to solve the problem’, and that is an issue. Yes, there’s things he can’t do in universe (though not very many), and that has been an issue. Furthermore, despite the near 3 hour run time, there’s characters and revelations that deserved more focus, and there’s a fair whack of opening exposition to catch everyone up.. Really, I just want incredibly competent agents being made to frantically improvise when plans go wrong, and there was more ‘people in suits arguing in rooms’ for my taste in this one. It doesn’t hit the heights of 3 and Fallout, but it’s far above 2 in the scheme of things.

Yes, there have been other things in my life going on, but you’ll have to wait for me to write about them. Be seeing you…

Change. Not always bad, but frequently painful.

Yes, yes, it’s been a while. Let’s face it, you aren’t reading this for regular updates. So, what’s the reason been this time? I’ll explain.

I have moved house, and into one I actually own! Before I go any further, I need to issue Herculean level thanks to all who’ve helped. No matter how little you think you’ve done, we have seen it and appreciate it. It has meant the world to us, and made an incredibly stressful time a lot less “Oh fuck, let’s just burn the house down and flee.” It’s a sign of the quality of the people in our lives the number of folks who’ve offered help, and our thanks and pizza (or indeed, the joy an almost teenager took throwing things in a skip) seems vastly inadequate for the help you’ve given us. We love you all.

The move itself was like an age of the Earth, or the credits to a Marvel film when you really need to pee but don’t want to miss the after credits part. I knew we had a lot of stuff, and there’s 2 flights of stairs to get to the new place, but I didn’t think it would take as long as it did. Let alone the stuff that went upstairs that should have gone to the garage. *sighs* The two days following were painful, to say the least. Every day is leg day. There hasn’t been any noise issues so far, outside of the shopping centre across the street’s fire alarm going off around 1am recently and while a nearby church’s singing was oddly soothing Sunday morning, the screaming and yelling style of worship they shifted to was disconcerting to say the least. As issues go, that ain’t bad though. Still, a large amount of stuff is on shelves, though that’s brought it’s own chaos. You see, we madly got stuff out of boxes, but with the deadline, there was no organisation. Well, outside of me getting precious and putting all my Robert E Howard on the one shelf. So, that’s the next task for me – and not getting distracted won’t be easy.

All that work though has meant we aren’t, for the most part, living out of boxes and that’s done wonders for me. Being able to see my stuff, even if the hell of moving has me more inclined to try to sell more of it, has made it feel more like ours. Funny what moving does to a book collection. We’re still talking through decoration, though my wife and I have planned to take one side of a corridor each and decorate according to our whims. She’s looking at theatre posters and pictures of her friends. I’m looking at a poster for the 1973 Three Musketeers, some Frank Frazetta art and concert posters. We match beautifully don’t we? If we really go all out, we might even colour code the walls before we hang art up…

In other news, I’m going back to the Ravenswood Institute LARP this year, but not as a student! I’d been kicking around an idea since last event and it seemed workable. I got in touch with the orgs to run it past them and see if I was on the right track and before I knew it, I’m an NPC crew member! IC details are still being sorted, so this is strictly an out of character announcement, but I’m really looking forward to it. Also means I get to fuss over new costume and props! There will be some hard work though, mostly vocal practice, as one of the ideas was having an enchanted whistle/blowing horn, the effect being “Shut up and pay attention to me!” Now, I own a blowing horn (Leaving me with money at medieval events is dangerous), but can’t exactly make much of a sound and as I live in an apartment building, I’d rather not torment my neighbours. So, the working plan is to find the nearest national park, walk a decent distance in away from people, put my lips together, and blow…

Lastly, I have survived another year, and we had people over to celebrate that! It was lovely to see people, get their feedback on the new place and feel loved that they responded to the dress code request, that being to please wear a cape/cloak. I probably should have expected the one cheeky sod who dressed as Edna Mode… We didn’t wind up playing many games or watching a movie, but I did get to show the classic Doctor Who serial The Time Warrior, and a HAI! time was had by all. I did just realise I didn’t put on the playlist I’d made, though given the number of people in the room that’s probably for the best. So, for those curious, here it is:

That’s it for now, I need to clean up and head to work. I hope you’re all having a wonderful day, for a Monday that is. Be seeing you…

*sighs*

As frequently, it’s been a while since I’ve written here. Working in retail during the Christmas season doesn’t leave much time and combine that with exhaustion from the heat (Stupid burning hell pit of a country) and a self diagnosed seasonal depression spike have meant I haven’t exactly been in a good frame of mind. I’ll spare you further ruminations and instead apologise to anyone who had the misfortune to interact with me when I’ve not been having a good day.

So, instead the good stuff! My wife and I bought an apartment, more on that later. I bought another LARP sword, though that was mostly to distract from the constant mind shattering terror of the orange one’s return. It’s felt really fucking weird the couple of times I’ve talked to customers in the store about Fair and Balanced, having to really labour the point that it was run in October 2016, when that shit was still funny. I was really looking forward to being able to look at the news without that creeping feeling of dread, that constant background noise of “Oh what the fuck has he done now?” I keep telling myself all I can do is be a good person, help where I can and not snitch. To worry about the things I can change, keep looking to hope and not doom scroll. Election day local time was particularly bad, as it was deathly quiet in the store, which left me time to, you guessed it, doom scroll. sigh

I got to see Hammerfall with my wife, and it was as ridiculous and glorious as I’d hoped for. For starters, neither of us had any hope we’d ever get the chance, but getting to see them was a real bucket list kind of night. For a band who’ve played massive Euro festivals, to see them at the Manning Bar may have seemed like a comedown, but the show was just as over the top, albeit with less pyro. Gods, I adore when bands do the co-ordinated headbanging, it’s so stupid I can’t help but love it. I can’t explain why, but it just makes me so happy. Outside of Hammerfall, I’ve been listening to a lot of versions of The Ecstasy of Gold. That’s mostly as A: it’s fucking brilliant and B: my wife mentioned putting a will together, and my brain (After mostly recovering from running screaming at the merest contemplation of my mortality) set to wanting to make a funeral playlist. I know there’ll be some John Williams and Iron Maiden, but I can’t decide if Brillig’s The Old Captain is the start or end song.

And yes, I am now a home owner. Since that, instances of friends calling me bourgeois scum and/or calling for my execution via madame guillotine have shot up alarmingly. This has meant, since we’re moving to a smaller space, that I’m having to pack and cull things. It’s been, emotional. One shelf has a pile of notebooks* (THEY STAY!) next to a pile of gaming books that I’ll be letting go. So, if there’s something of mine you’ve coveted, this could be your lucky day! The idea is to have some sort of giveaway or set up an “Give me a few bucks if you want, otherwise take it from my house!” event. RPG books, some bits of LARP kit and DVD’s will likely be the first up for the chop.

i got a free month of Amazon Prime and have been binging Vox Machina, which has been a joy. In news that will surprise no-one who knows me, Grog and Scanlan continue to be my favourites, and the character development they’ve gone through has been emotional and hilarious. Grog’s cry of “I GOT A BEARD!” brings joy, as does damn near every time Scanlan sings. Also, I get to continue my game of “I recognise that voice!” When that’s done, the plan is to shift over to the final season of Lower Decks. I’m really gonna miss that show.

Speaking of LARP, I was attempting to distract myself from the heat on Tuesday and had thoughts about a pirate based game again. Mostly pillaging from Hoist the Colours plot wise, the last survivors of a mighty pirate horde wash up on a lost island and have to figure out what to do next. That or, several ships wash up on the same island, but different locations. Each crew has something the other wants (Powder, map fragments, water, etc) and have to decide how to proceed. Shenanigans ensue. Yes, I started listening to Larps and Tarps coverage of Hoist again, but they bring joy and I need that right now.

It’s past 1am and I have plans to people tomorrow. Bedtime now. Take care of each other. Night all.

* I don’t have a notebook problem. There are notebooks I don’t own, so I’m fine.

Oh well, wherever, wherever you are,

Iron Maiden’s gonna get you, no matter how far!
See the blood flow, watching it shed, from up above my head!
Iron Maiden wants you, for dead!

Between the announcement of the Run For Your Lives 50th Anniversary tour and the recent death of former vocalist Paul Di’Anno, early Iron Maiden has been on the brain. Shocking, I know. it’s had me listening to those first two albums, and reminded me of just how different they are to the rest of Maiden’s catalogue. Combine that with speculation regarding the setlist for the upcoming tour, with the setlist ranging from their self titled debut to 1992’s Fear of the Dark. Maiden bassist Steve Harris hinted in the press release that there will be ‘songs they haven’t played in years and many we will likely never play again’, which isn’t shocking as the band is 5 years older than I am. This started giving me ideas, such as a ‘Worst of’ setlist*, or ‘Movies Steve Harris has watched recently’ or even a ‘1 song from every album’ set. 17 studio albums, 17 songs? So, that’s what I’m going to do!

Iron Maiden. (1980)
The self titled debut, where it all began. The sound is rough, but the energy is there, from the short and sharp Prowler, to the glam rock stomp of Running Free or the epic Phantom of the Opera. However, it wouldn’t be a Maiden set without the song of the same name, right?

Killers. (1981)
The difficult second album, this saw the arrival of guitarist Adrian Smith and producer Martin Birch, both key figures in the bands rise to glory. As for what track I’d play, it’s Wrathchild. That’s no disrespect to the likes of opening instrumental The Ides of March or the thundering title track, but that opening drum and bass of Wrathchild just fires my soul. It’s on my Maiden live bucket list, so I couldn’t not vote for it.

The Number of the Beast (1982)
And here we see the departure of Di’Anno, the arrival of Bruce Dickinson and what is thought of as the band’s glory years. True, Invaders and Gangland are a bit naff, and Total Eclipse (No, not of the heart) would have worked far better, while 22 Acacia Avenue (A sequel to Charlotte the Harlot from their debut) hasn’t aged well. But how to choose one song? Hallowed be thy Name, a tale of a condemned man on his way to the gallows, that has been in my head every work performance review I’ve ever had. The Prisoner, based off the classic series? The title track, responsible for my love of the band in the first place? Sorry, no. It’s got to be Run to the Hills. The joy it brings me, and the way I immediately bounce around and air guitar to it, it’s the winner.

Piece of Mind.
The revolving door continues, with the departure of drummer Clive Burr and the arrival of Nicko McBrain and at long last, the classic line up is complete. While it contains one of Maiden’s all time stinkers in Quest for Fire, that’s balanced by the likes of Die with your Boots On, The Trooper and the thunder of Where Eagles Dare, in which McBrain doesn’t just stake his claim to the drum seat, he seems to hit everything on the kit at once. The legend goes that he learnt the song a half second at a time, and while I’m not a drummer I can believe that. However, my choice is the albums second single, Flight Of Icarus. I’ve joked in the past that my wife hopes someday I’ll feel about her the way I do the solo in that song and I continue to be gutted that Covid got in the way of my seeing them perform it live on the Legacy of the Beast tour. Bruce had a flamethrower under each arm during parts of it. *cries*

Powerslave (1984)
Finally, an album with no change in band members! That doesn’t mean it’s perfect though, as between the instrumental Losfer Words (Big ‘Orra) and the odd choice of two songs about fencing (The Duellists and Flash of the Blade) show. But what is left is an embarrassment of riches, with the rousing boy’s own WW2 adventure of Aces High, the anti war ferocity of 2 Minutes to Midnight, the epic title track, who’s guitar solos should be studied in schools and Back in the Village, another excursion to one of Dickinson’s favourite TV shows. But my choice is avian inspired, that being The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, a song introduced when played live as ‘what not to do when your bird shits on you.’

Somewhere in Time (1986)
After an unprecedented 6 month break following the seemingly never ending World Slavery tour, and chronicled in 1985’s Live After Death, they returned to the studio determined to experiment and the result polarises to this day. Guitar synths? The purists weren’t happy, not one bit. There’s no songs from Dickinson on this one for varying reasons, it’s a product of it’s time and could be seen as a twin to Judas Priest’s Turbo, released the same year and a similar sound. As for a song choice, there’s the the epic Alexander the Great (Rhyming Aegean Sea and 334 BC is *chef kiss*), the rousing sing along of Heaven Can Wait, or the enjoy life while you can of Wasted Years, but for me it’s Stranger in a Strange Land.

Seventh Son of a Seventh Son (1988)
As with most concept albums, the theme doesn’t quite hang on, but Can I Play with Madness is a cracker, and still regularly played live to this day. The Evil that Men Do and the title track have the traditional Maiden gallop and epic in equal measure, but I have to choose the album opener, Moonchild. From the delicate intro, acoustic guitar mixing with Dickinson’s voice, to the way it builds and builds, finally launching with enough force to break orbit.

If you know, you know.

No Prayer For The Dying (1990)
Line up changes are back! It’s goodbye Adrian Smith and hello Janick Gers, a fine guitarist (who played on Dickinson’s solo album Tattooed Millionaire) and a back to basics approach, ie ditching the spandex for denim and leather. (It did bring us all together after all) As for a song choice, do I have to? Amidst the WW2 songs Tailgunner and Run Silent Run Deep, the televangelist satirising (Or at least trying to) Holy Smoke, and the forgettable likes of Hooks in You or The Assassin, it’s not an album I’ve gone back to in a long time. But if I have to choose, it’s the guilty pleasure shock horror schlock of Bring Your Daughter… To The Slaughter, a song that to it’s credit knocked Cliff Richard off the Christmas Number 1 in the UK that year and may it long be by applauded for doing so.

Fear of the Dark (1992)
It’s an improvement, but not by much. There’s a fair whack of Maiden by numbers (See Chains of Misery, Judas be my Guide and Fear is the Key), and I’d put money on From Here to Eternity being Steve Harris trying to write an AC/DC song, but the ferocious burst of Be Quick or Be Dead and the sombre Afraid to Shoot Strangers stand out amidst the rest. The true classic though, is that iconic title track, a regular part of the live set since then. Hearing the crowd singing along with the guitar line never fails to raise my spirits.

The X Factor (1995)
It was a long gap between albums, but not every band can immediately replace their singer. An increasingly frustrated Dickinson had jumped ship to start a solo career and was replaced by Blaze Bayley, formerly of Wolfsbane. I have a lot of sympathy for Bayley, as he was both replacing an iconic front man and had a very different voice. The denim was now dyed black, and combined with the horrific album cover of Eddie having his body torn apart, it’s all gone a bit grim. As for a song choice, it’s between Sign of the Cross, Lord of the Flies and Man on the Edge, and I plump for the gothic epic Sign.

Virtual XI (1998)
Generally considered the least of Maiden’s back catalogue, I feel it could have been improved have several tracks been shortened. By a lot. Don’t Look to the Eyes of a Stranger is a prime example of this, and while I quite enjoy The Angel and the Gambler in it’s 70’s hard rock pomp, the 4:05 music video version (Compared to the 9: 52 length original) is by far my preferred version. In that spirit, my favourite track is also the shortest, and that’s Futureal. A right banger it is, and a highlight of the era.

Brave New World (2000)
By this point things weren’t looking good. Maiden were playing smaller venues and while Dickinson’s solo career was thriving creatively, having been joined by former cohort Adrian Smith, it wasn’t exactly setting the charts on fire. While Blaze Bayley has spoken highly of the plans for a third album in recent years, it wasn’t to be. As if in answer to many prayers news filtered though that Bayley was gone, and that both Bruce Dickinson and Adrian Smith were to return. Anticipation was high, could a new album restore the bands fortunes? Oh hell yes! From opener The Wicker Man, through epics Blood Brothers and The Nomad, to the storming Out of the Silent Planet it said one thing loud and clear: Iron Maiden are back. This was to be no ‘Greatest Hits’ revival, but a whole new era. Indeed, it’s the opener that’s my choice. It’s a banger, and I’d love to hear it played live.

Dance of Death (2003)
Yes, the cover art is awful, we all agree. But the albums a cracker, so I’ll forgive it this time. Yes, opener Wildest Dreams is fairly standard, but I adore the riff in Rainmaker and the thunder of No More Lies. Paschendale is a grim tale of the horrors of the First World War, matched in emotion by Montsegur, and the album ends with the bands, at the time of writing, only completely acoustic number, Journeyman. But my track of choice is the title track, in all it’s hammy ridiculous glory. It could go fully Spinal Tap, but somehow makes it work.

A Matter of Life and Death (2006)
Further tales of war and death, the band infuriated a section of fandom by playing the entire album from start to finish on a chunk of the tour. I say fuck em’, there’s only so many times you can play the old stuff. These Colours Don’t Run is a defiant cry, perhaps in response to the Ozzfest incident, The Longest Day takes us through the D-Day landings (I’m guessing Adrian Smith had recently watched the film), but it’s the opening single, The Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg, that’s my choice.

The Final Frontier (2010)
The band kept themselves busy during the break between albums, recording a documentary (Flight 666) and finally returning to Australia! Nice work lads, you’d only been saying you’d be down under again since 199fucking5. It was a special night for me, and the memories I still cherish. As for the album, opener Satellite 15 is an odd one, but all becomes clear when the second half of the track, named for the album, kicks in. El Dorado gallops along at speed, while closer When the Wild Wind Blows is a nightmarish epic of fear of nuclear war. My pick? Coming Home, an emotional track about finally, well coming home. It hits me where I live, you know?

The Book of Souls (2015)
Yes, the wait between albums are getting longer, but it’s not as if the band are getting younger. This is the point when the tendency towards epics got pushed past any logical extreme, with it being the bands first studio double album, and longest ever song, Empire of the Clouds, an 18 minute long piano based number about the R101 airship disaster. (Fun Fact: One of the Eighth Doctor’s companions was meant to have died on it) I should not listen to Tears of a Clown when I’m having a bad mental health day, as Death or Glory is far more cheerful. The woah-oh’s in The Red and the Black are as addictive as Warhammer 40,000, and Speed of Light rumbles along, but it’s disc 1 opener If Eternity Should Fail that’s my choice. Originally written by Dickinson for a solo album, a reworked version appeared on his most recent disc, The Mandrake Project. While it’s not bad, it doesn’t quite have the soaring bombast of the original, and Maiden’s career long commitment to ‘too much bombast is barely enough’ is one of the reasons I love them so.

Senjutsu (2021)
Another double album? Recorded in secret and hidden away for when the then current tour, cut short by that bastard Covid 19, ended? The epics continue, though there’s a few odd notes for me. The Writing on the Wall is a cracking tune, but given Bruce Dickinson’s support of Brexit, some of the lyrics have me wanting the band to leave politics out of things. It’s the same with Darkest Hour, which despite a soaring chorus speaks a little too highly of Winston Churchill, something Doctor Who has done in recent years as well. Therefore, I’m plumping for Death of the Celts, even with the extended middle section that could have been cut in half.

*whew* 17 albums, 17 tracks. This spiralled out of control pretty quickly. In any case, if you’ve made it this far I salute you. Thoughts, feedback, abuse at my choices? I’m curious to hear.

Time for bed now. Good night all. Be seeing you…

Not very fast, kinda furious.


To be aware, this entry will contain minor spoilers for the Fast and the Furious films. You have been warned.

For Feng Shui related reasons, the Fast and the Furious binge watch has continued. I still haven’t watched Tokyo Drift, and for some reason Netflix here doesn’t have F9, but does have Fast X and the Hobbs and Shaw spin off. Crom spare me, I may have to buy the damn things at some point*, if only for the DVD commentaries which hopefully hint at the rumoured feud between several of the leading men about them not being less macho on screen than the others. Rumour has it there’s agreements where one person can’t take as many punches as the other – testosterone poisoning is a funny thing, isn’t it?

I continue to be amused that it’s gone from a series about illegal street racers, some of whom seem to be allergic to sleeves, and that runs almost entirely on the male gaze. (Yes, there’s plenty of buff dudes in tight clothing for those who like that sort of thing, but they’re vastly outnumbered by the scantily clad ladies. I’m reminded of the series Chuck, which I remember enjoying back in the day (And by that I mean the late 2000’s/early 2010’s), but that’s been retrospectively poisoned for me by stars Adam Baldwin and Zachary Levi’s embrace of the far right. I’m more likely to re-watch Burn Notice (Which has it’s own male gaze issues, but also features Bruce Campbell) or Leverage in any case. *sighs* Not everyone is as wonderful as Mark Hamill readers, remember that.

But I digress. So, the films go from a barely plausible series about street racers, to one where two loosely defined ‘agents’ have to team up to stop a cybernetically enhanced madman who has what is functionally a robot motorbike. I get it, the sequel has to go bigger, but surely there’s a point at which you stop, right? NOPE. I feel confident in saying these films throw that, like physics and reality, out the nearest high window at a great speed. There’s the 2 cars dragging a 10 ton safe while being pursued through the streets of Rio in one film, which is in turn topped in a later entry by the driving of a car out the window off a stupidly giant building in Dubai, into and through another building and then into a third stupidly giant building at which point the heroes finally leap out of the car. And I haven’t mentioned the incident with the Predator drone…

There’s no synopsis I can give that will match Grant ‘Honey Heist’ Howitt’s spectacular write up of the first 7 films, but I’m seriously considering adding a mechanic that gives players a bonus to driving checks when they mime changing gears, ala the shot gun rule.

Feng Shui 2nd Ed’s weapon damage table.

I do have a massive bone to pick with them though. Seeing Helen Mirren appear was a joy, even if was an extended cameo but that pales in comparison to Fast 8, in which Charlize Theron plays some sort of cyber terrorist, but who spends more time at a keyboard than with a weapon in hand and that is not what I watch a Charlize Theron film for. Yes, I believe she reappears later in the series, but still. It just seems a phenomenal waste. Maybe that’s why I’m not in charge of the franchise, which is probably a good thing.

So. I’ve begun writing the pitch, have been making character notes and ensuring the game starts with a fight scene. I should start learning the system as well, but I’m borrowing one of my gaming groups to run the back of the book adventure in December, which should help with that. Gonna log off here and start making more notes for that.

Be seeing you…

*As well as the Expendables films, but fortunately 3 out of the 4 are on Netflix at the moment. Based on their trajectory, I’m expecting the 4th, which I haven’t seen yet, to be the worst. Though it can’t possibly be as as bad as XXX: The Return of Xander Cage, which was so damned awful I couldn’t stomach any more after about half an hour. Copies of Hard Boiled and The Killer (I have much to thank the late 90’s SBS Saturday night cult movie slot for, but introducing me to the work of Chow Yun-Fat is in the top 5) have been ordered and will hopefully wash the bad taste of that out of my mouth. Gunpowder Milkshake is next on the watch list till they arrive, and I should probably re-watch Shoot ‘Em Up while I’m at it. Might add The A-Team and The Losers to the list as well.