I have returned from a land beyond space and time, otherwise known as Western Australia, where I’ve been teaching at wizard university (No, not the Unseen one. Sadly). That’s right, it was Ravenswood Institute’s second event and dear readers, I had a blast. Wait, I had a Magic Missile! No. Melf’s Acid Arrow? Thunderwave? Fireball? (OK, I’ll stop now) For I wasn’t a mere student this year, but a member of staff – enter Duncan Kincaid, sports coach and Phys Ed instructor! The following recollections may be inaccurate, be missing important context and will almost certainly contain events I don’t mention during questioning and later rely on in court.

I’d enjoyed myself at their opening event last year, and had been kicking around the character idea for most of that time. it appealed owing to the contrast between the more reserved members of staff and a sports obsessed yobbo (Albeit one magically trained) with the short version being “What if HG Nelson taught at [THE MAGIC SCHOOL THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED]?” I’d submitted it to the admins, asking more if I was on the right track than expecting to be given the OK, and to my eternal surprise it was accepted, with a terrifying speed. Learning later the amount of trust they’d put in me, that they saw what I’d brought to the last game and thought my idea could work, was incredibly flattering, and far from the last compliment I’d receive. Still getting used to that. As long time readers may know, I have a teeny problem with self esteem.

So, what happened? Dancing, wizardry, a mechanical beast came to life, strange creatures appeared and cursed items ran amok. Horses, of a sort, cute (and unexpectedly vicious) animals, shouting, far too much rain and some good old fashioned Aussie racism. It’ll make some sort of sense when explained. The Friday was setup and student arrival. A lesson in basic spellcasting took place (as some folks missed it last year which meant they were in strife) followed by after hours shenanigans. There was a request to NPC a Yowie, who was being summoned by the Spiritual Dorm as part of their hazing of new students, with some ‘extra Aussie’ flavour asked for. Challenge accepted! He was meant to be creepy at first, then funnier, but once I got a laugh I couldn’t stop. What followed was regular abuse, insults (*sniffs players hand* “Smells virginal”), some revelations (“How’d you get the name Yowie?” “I dunno, I walk up to folks, they yell “YOWIE!” and run like fuck.”) and more abuse of white people in general. This lead to the recurring question “Are all Yowie’s racist?” and if I had $5 for every time that was asked over the weekend… The summoning circle was broken (as planned) and I escaped, with a loud cry of “Jokes on you dickheads, I’m free again!” It was glorious fun getting to unleash that inner yobbo.

Saturday morning was Magical Foci with Professor Emberleaf, and that was a joy. She’s a wonderful calming presence and as awful as I am at arts and crafts, it was oddly soothing putting something together. Far as I’m concerned, it’s a relaxing amulet to be placed over the dressing room door after a game that helps sooth wounds and tempers. Cursed Objects was next, which meant I was helping with scrying. In short, students were sitting around a table talking to the object in question in a positive tone while crew walked around making noises and trying to put them off. This would last for 10 minutes, with the tension being ratcheted up every 2. The temptation to whisper in people’s ears “Who are you?” and “What do you want?” was presented, and I jumped at it. We almost made one group literally jump when we gently lifted then dropped the table they were sitting around. *maniacal cackle*

Rain meant the Magical Creatures excursion had to take place indoors, but we coped. I can’t say enough how well everyone coped with the weather, which wasn’t great. A Quetzalcóatl’s eggs were on display, and the mother herself paid us a visit (a fantastic piece of puppetry courtesy of the Magical Creatures professor). A pair of her eggs went missing, and it seemed as if the rest were about to be stolen, but I missed the rest of that plot line. IIRC Saturday also saw the Horse curse. Basically, a cursed item had gotten loose, and if you touched it, you believed you were a horse. At one point there was half a dozen of them, students and faculty members alike, prancing about. A staff member timed it beautifully walking up to them playing The Horses on his phone just as the chorus started. *chef kiss* Then it was club time, dinner and the school dance, which meant time for Coach to dress fancy!

The dance brought shenanigans, dancing and some light drugging of the inspector who’d come for an OHS look at the school. Oh, and a return appearance from the Yowie. Emerging from the darkness as ‘Every Breath You Take’ played was a beautiful accident I couldn’t have managed if I tried. So, for some folks the first words they heard the Yowie speak was a loud “WHAT THE FUCK? Even I know that’s a song about stalking!” My personal dislike of the playlist bled over, which meant when asked what music he did like, the response was something like “the primal elemental sound of this country. I believe they call it Acca Dacca!” There was more banter, the discovery of his true name (I panicked for some reason and said Artorius, which I’m retconning to Artie) and getting a slightly supercharged spell to send him home. “You hear a loud cry of ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk’ as he disappears.” The super secret faculty after party was crashed by students, and I headed for bed. I’m really hoping the Yowie cameos in future games – I have a head canon vision of him storming into the next dance, marching up to the DJ and demanding “I want a song about a very special lady, and I want it now!” Several minutes of frenzied air guitar later, he vanishes into the night, and I immediately chug a large energy drink/consume half a tins worth of Milo (NOT Kerrigan) to replace what I’ve just sweated. Rock and roll.

Needless to say, I was slightly impaired come Sunday. There was breakfast (Did I mention the event is catered?) and more NPC duty, this time as an automaton with the spirit of the previous Cursed Objects animating it. A long trek out to the woods, waiting followed by more waiting (Some students had activated a curse), but seeing the looks on their faces as it began to move was worth it. There was conversation on the long walk back, and he told the emotional story of his life before and during the scrying ceremony. I cheerfully admit to stealing the entire thing lock stock and barrel from an episode of Crusade, but hearing afterwards that I’d made some of them cry made all the waiting and sweating (By Crom, I’d forgotten just how much sweat dripping in your eyes stings) inside the costume worth it. I was crying too, before you ask.

We also got to be extra creepy during one of the scryings, which was to investigate a cricket ball that had the soul of a small child (I think, I missed a lot of that plot last year) inside. I can imagine that having your eyes closed while 3 people whisper variations on “Mummy, are you there? I’m scared. Mummy, where are you? Mummy, they keep hitting me.” in your ears isn’t fun, but points to the players for somehow not cracking. It was a toss up between that and the specimen jar one, for which I was whispering “I just wanted a chance in life like you. All they do is slice me open and stitch me up again. I can still feel the scalpels…” I remain very glad I was on that end of the ceremony, as I’m all but certain I’d have cracked and fled screaming.

Note: There’s a lot of care taken at the event, with players inputting a list of their dislikes beforehand, and we crew do our best to stay away from them. Also, if you need to step away, you’re more than welcome to put the hand up and walk, no questions asked. Self care is important. The opening for my class stressed there would be coarse language and physical activity, with an overall message of ‘If you aren’t up for it, I don’t need a reason why.”

Before I’d realised, it was time for Phys Ed, my class, and in the words of one of Australia’s leading stuntmen, “I don’t have the brown underpants on for nothing!” Mercifully the weather had cleared up, and after an opening warning and the casting of a spell of my own devising, that being “Sobrietus, In Extremis”*, we were on! There was sorting them into teams, some meditation and testing how awakened their sense were, by blindfolding half, with the others hurling spell balls at them. It went surprisingly well, with some lovely dexterity on display. A 3-legged race brought out their competitive spirit, with spells being hurled back and forth. Frisbee dodgeball followed and Hot (Potato) Component finished up, with me giving the trophy to 2 players who’d both admitted to taking performance enhancing potions earlier that day. Whoops?

My voice was slightly shot and I was a nervous wreck, but it went really well, and I’m already plotting how to make next years bigger and better, with more audience participation and less illegal doping. Hopefully there’ll be more nicknames, with one player who’d been channelling Elle Woods (Complete with matching Phys Ed lycra – I hadn’t expected her to participate, let alone match outfits) known as Barbie, her more goth compatriot was Wednesday and the school’s resident sports nut, who’s name was Flash, became “Gordon’s Alive.” Hearing people laugh at that damn near made my event. That film is sacred in my house, to the extent there’s a good chance any use of the phrase “I love you” is answered with “But we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!”

And it was over, and back to reality. Harrumph. I should sleep now, so I’ll keep you in anticipation for part 2 of the Festival of the Wand, where too much magic is barely enough!

*It was then pointed out the the punch at the dance was non-alcoholic. As it was fey brewed, I stand by my actions.